Episode 209 Kelly Bohnhoff Healing Family Trauma Transcript

This transcript is from episode 209 with guest Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff.

[00:00:00] Scott DeLuzio: Thanks for tuning in to the Drive On Podcast where we are focused on giving hope and strength to the entire military community, whether you’re a veteran active duty guard reserve, or a family member, this podcast will share inspirational stories and resources that are useful to you. I’m your host Scott DeLuzio and now let’s get on with the show.

[00:00:21] Scott DeLuzio: Welcome back to the Drive On Podcast. Today, my guest is Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff Dr. Bohnhoff joins us today to talk about healing, family trauma. And oftentimes in the military and veteran life we experience traumatic events. That’s part of the job, which I think most of us understand however, when we don’t deal with those traumatic events properly they.

[00:00:45] Scott DeLuzio: Can seep into our family lives which will then affect our spouses, our children, other family members that you might have even neighbors and other people in your life. So Dr. Bohnhoff has written the book beyond trauma drama uh, Cultivating the [00:01:00] sacred nature of families to heal. And she’s here today to discuss how we can begin healing our families.

[00:01:07] Scott DeLuzio: So welcome to the show, Dr. Bohnhoff. I’m glad to have you on and have you. Share your experiences and your background with us to, to help heal some of these families that are in need of it.

[00:01:19] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Sure. Thank you so much, Scott. It’s really wonderful to be here. It’s an honor. So in my own life so the fast for the past 35 years.

[00:01:27] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I have spent time as a registered nurse and a trauma therapist with countless generations of traumatized families while navigating my own journey of abuse and trafficking and childhood. And so, since that time, I have tried to figure out the answer to one question, which is why is it that children.

[00:01:52] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Are being hurt by those that are meant to love them and keep them. And so I’ve had the [00:02:00] opportunity to write the upcoming book beyond trauma drama, cultivating the sacred, the nature of families to heal, because I discovered some insights about how it is that families who have trauma in their lives continue to experience that phenomenon.

[00:02:18] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And I discovered something. I called the Merry go round of survival. And it has seven characteristics that I noticed in my own family, in the families of the children, I was serving generations of families. And it seemed like we were all in the same ride, the same merry-go-round. The other part that I discovered is that really, since the time of our first ancestors, we’ve been echoing human evolution, which means that our previous generations.

[00:02:49] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Didn’t recognize they were on this Merry go round and they unconsciously, and most of the time, unintentionally conditioned and imprinted [00:03:00] into their children and grandchildren. And great-grandchildren this Merry go round of survival. And so if we can find out where we are hovering in this process, Of healing, then we can transform that process.

[00:03:17] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: But for me, the biggest aha moment was I had no idea I was on this ride. My parents didn’t know they were on the ride and so on and so forth. And so as families, what I would say to anyone listening, who were a trauma drama, and we can talk about what that means is touching their life, whether it was from the point of conception to the development in the wound to trauma.

[00:03:43] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: That was experienced when someone was born or trauma that was experienced when they were a teen or an adult later in life, how does this trauma drama affect us? And then what is it that we can do to see this as a [00:04:00] healing journey that we are not broken, but that we are becoming the greatest expression of love.

[00:04:08] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Individually and as families and as a world that we have ever known. So this is a hero’s journey, not just of us as people, but as families, as communities, as societies and as a world. And we are at a turning point in human’s evolution, as it relates to this, I call it, we are heading into the era of love.

[00:04:32] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And in order to do that, we have to understand we are suffering. What does it look like? If we’re on a ride, what kind of ride is it? And what would we like to do if we choose to, if we prefer to heal, how do we transform that ride? So that the generations that are here on the earth now, and those that will be born later will be on a different merry-go-round.

[00:04:56] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And I call that the Merry go round of the spirit, where we can [00:05:00] balance our mind, our body and our sacred nature, which is why it’s referred to in the book that. So.

[00:05:08] Scott DeLuzio: You talk about this merry-go-round of survival and how you’re on this. And when I think of a merry-go-round I think of, this ride that you get on and you go nowhere fast and you go around and round in circles and you see the same things that you pass by.

[00:05:22] Scott DeLuzio: You might have family member standing off on the side, who’s holding your stuff or whatever, and you wait for them every time you go by and it’s that same. The same scene over and over again until the ride stops. Right. And it just doesn’t end until, or nothing changes I should say until the ride is over, you get off the ride and you move on, go to the next thing.

[00:05:40] Scott DeLuzio: Right. So what, what exactly is the Merry go round of survival that you mentioned and how would someone know that they’re even on it? Right. If they’re on it, What does that look like? And how could they recognize all that? Right.

[00:05:55] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Great. So, I’ve spent more than a half a century of my own life[00:06:00] trying to figure out what this pattern looks like, because it didn’t matter what environment I was in.

[00:06:05] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I’ve been across four states. I’ve been in most of. In fact, most of my career has been in living rooms under bridges, in foster care families. And so it didn’t matter what the language was or what the ethnicity of anyone was. The pattern was the same and it finally came to me. So there’s seven characteristics.

[00:06:23] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So the very first thing that you’ll notice, and this is remember as a pattern that you’ll, that you may identify or resonate within yourself. You may notice the pattern in a relationship with another person like your spouse or an intimate partner. You could find this in a business relationship. You could find this in a friendship, you will find it in families.

[00:06:45] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Some of the things that the term for toxic parents, toxic families, dysfunctional families, whatever the language is around those terms. And I noticed there’s. Kind of a new wave of interest in those who have narcissistic [00:07:00] parent or partner or something like that. And we can talk more about that later.

[00:07:03] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: You’ll notice the same pattern in communities. You’ll notice the same pattern society. And you’ll begin to, if you look at the world from the vantage point of, from the perspective of the stars as if you’re an astronaut and you’re looking at the world right now, you’ll notice the seven characteristics that I’m about to share with you, that I noticed the very first characteristic that you notice is secrets.

[00:07:28] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: We have a tendency when we’re trying to survive. There are things that may happen to us that. We keep secret and there are reasons why we keep it secret. The second characteristic is silence about those secrets. The third is the shame that we feel about what has happened to us and shame is I am unlovable.

[00:07:59] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I am [00:08:00] not worthy and I am not enough. And some refer to shame as I am bad. In other words, you feel that you are bad yourself which is different than I have done something bad, which is more guilt. So shame is very much at the depth in the core of how you believe I’m unlovable, unworthy or not enough.

[00:08:22] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: The next that we experience on this merry-go-round are something that is called shadows. What are shadows? Well, shadows are those parts of ourself that we keep in the dark that we keep pressed down, repressed, suppressed things like judgment criticism, blame. Guilt worry hurt, any of those things where I was raised in the 1960s as I’ll give you something to cry about, right?

[00:08:52] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I mean, just keep the, keep those emotions, especially if you’re not gonna be kind, or if you feel judgemental [00:09:00] critical, then just keep those to yourself. Keep those. So those are shadows. And many of us who have had trauma touch our lives will keep that shadow part. The part of us that’s super mad, like super angry and raging about what has happened, but we’re not gonna show the anger because showing the anger in some situations can actually be very dangerous thing to do as a child.

[00:09:23] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: If you’re in an environment where you are told, you gotta keep that to. Right. So we have secret silent shame. Shadows then comes the status quo. So the status quo is let’s not have any conflict. There is a conflict avoidance. I listen, I don’t wanna cause a scene. I don’t wanna make anyone angry. I just wanna keep the piece here because it’s just easier for all involved.

[00:09:54] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So you may notice a pattern of if there’s seven SS seven characteristics. So status [00:10:00] quo, then we get to one that I noticed quite often in my own life. And in relationships with people is sabotage. What in the world are we doing? We get to this beautiful point where we have healed to a certain point.

[00:10:13] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: We’ve kept it together. Our relationships seem to be going good. And then all of a sudden I call it to me in my own language. I get another shovel to the face it’s as if something it’s as if. Things follow me around in life to get in my way, as it relates to the progress I’m making. So we have a tendency to self sabotage individually in a couple relationship.

[00:10:41] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And in families, entire families can get to a point where they have gotten to a place where they can have a roof over their head. They can have food on the table. They can have clothing. Their children are going to school and doing well. And then a mom or a dad, or a primary [00:11:00] caregiver who has been healthy, starts using heroin again, it just, it happens and I’ve seen it quite a bit.

[00:11:08] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And so sabotage is a big one for all of us who have had trauma. Then the last one is suffering. So suffering is What we feel really has kind of all of these things. So it’s kind of all of the secrets and the silence and the shame and the shadows and the status quo and the self sabotage leads to this level of something I call suffering.

[00:11:34] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: But what I say in my own language is this anguish without measure, there is so much emotion. That we hold in our mind in our bodies and then in, and then on our spirit as well. So how do you know if you’re on the Merry go round, there are seven questions associated. So for your listeners and for you, and I let’s see secrets, are there any secrets [00:12:00] that I am keeping in my, that happened in childhood?

[00:12:05] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: That I’m holding. Are there any secrets that I’m keeping about what might be going on in the marriage or in a partner relationship or any secrets that our family is keeping? Right. Silence. Am I being quiet? Am I keep keeping silent about those secrets? Whether it’s to yourself or to others shame. Do I feel UNOV.

[00:12:34] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Unworthy, not enough for me. This is the key marker. If you’re like, well, is trauma drama impacting my life has trauma drama touched my life in any way. The first way, that you’ve been touched by that is by ask is by asking that very one question. Are you caring? Shame? Do you feel lovable, right?

[00:12:57] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I,

[00:12:57] Scott DeLuzio: yeah. I think that is.[00:13:00] A good indication for whether or not you’re on this. And then as you go through this list of these seven different items that you, you listed off, you might start to recognize more and more of those things in your life. If you can identify the one you might be able to then.

[00:13:16] Scott DeLuzio: Trace back to some of the others and you’re right. It is kind of like a circular thing where one follows the other, you can’t have, you can’t be silent about secrets if you don’t have secrets. So, that, that type of thing. So, so one is, seems like it always is gonna follow the other.

[00:13:30] Scott DeLuzio: So if you can take a look back on. What’s going on in your life and how you’ve reacted to things and what you tell yourself and what you think about yourself, then you might very well be on this Merry go round. Right? Right.

[00:13:44] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And so I envision the Merry go round of survival. If you think about all the generations and ancestors.

[00:13:50] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So. In spiritual language, the circle of life who doesn’t love be lion king, we could probably all sing the song right now, the circle of alive. [00:14:00] So the circle is actually a sacred geometry, right? So we all circle around we’re born. And then we, what I say, we go is from birth to birth, not necessarily birth to death, but we birth into kind of our next sacred adventure, if you will.

[00:14:14] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: But if you just imagine. Your family and your generation is on the Merry go round, and then you have more children. And then some people who are on the up and down giraffe or who are sitting in the seat or whatever. Well, they go into their next sacred adventure. And all we’re doing is we’re just having new generations on that Merry go round.

[00:14:34] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And the reason why I call it transforming the Merry go, rather than getting off the Merry go round. Because a lot of people say, well, I wanna get off that ride. I’m tired of the music. I’m tired of seeing the same faces. I’m tired of, going around, I’m getting kind of seasick at this point. It’s really a transformation of those seven characteristics into.

[00:14:54] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Different characteristics, like from secrets, you would be able to [00:15:00] transform a secret into more of a sovereignty, right? You’re move. You wanna move towards sovereignty, which is this idea that you own your own, your spark of creation. You own your own power. You have your own ability to think your own ability to experience.

[00:15:17] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And so, you basically reframe and you restore and this connection to your mind, body and spirit. So human nature needs sacred nature. And we spend our lifetime between the two, but what has happened for humanity is that we lost track of our sovereignty of our sacredness. So early, so many generations before you and I were even conceived of that, it just hasn’t been a part of our language and it has been really a part of the parenting or the community or the society yet.

[00:15:54] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And I wanna say yet, because the reason why a lot of this information is now [00:16:00] coming into more clarity for me is because I finally was able to restore. That connection for myself.

[00:16:11] Scott DeLuzio: I think that’s a good way to reframe your thinking of how these secrets and how all of this stuff kind of connects together. So it, thinking about that transformation and it’s work, you have to do work to get there right. To really think about that.

[00:16:27] Scott DeLuzio: Because I think just as most people, most humans out there are Willing to just kind of accept the status quo. If you’re not really thinking about what it is that’s going on. And so I think with that we need to give it some conscious effort to transform a. Not only just ourselves, but our families, our communities, the, all the way around and what better way than starting right in your own home and start with what you can control and then see what kind of impact that has [00:17:00] spreading out to the rest of society as well.

[00:17:02] Scott DeLuzio: Right.

[00:17:03] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Right. So one of the things I think about is to just even consider the possibility that you’re on. A survival Merry go round to just even say, oh, okay. So this is what’s been going on. This is what’s happening. And to even consider the possibility that you can transform it at all is a revolutionary idea.

[00:17:28] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: You’ve already started. This noticing and curiosity. So the non-judgment about, well, how so for me, when I first came through this awakening process, the first thing my human nature said was, well, what took you so long? 56 years? My gosh how much longer did you need? Right. Well, that was my ego, my beautiful ego, trying to keep me in the status quo.

[00:17:53] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And what I was able to understand was that. The sacred nature, soul, spirit, whatever you would like to refer [00:18:00] to inner guidance system, gut instinct. I just envisioned that sacred part, putting their arms around my ego saying, Hey man, take a vacation. Like you have been, you have kept me alive. I so appreciate everything you have tried to do to keep me, in my seat, on my feet, helping other people.

[00:18:20] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And now. Take a break, man. Because the sacred part of us really is just here to experience. So to, for life, to live through us, this was a big change for me. My, my relationship with life looked like this, my fist were up and I was just waiting for whatever the next thing was. That was gonna come at me.

[00:18:42] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So the trauma I experienced happened for me at the point of conception, I was conceived under stress. I was developed in the womb under stress. I was born into stress and so our brains are actually hardwired for connection. So our mind [00:19:00] bodies and spirits are actually balanced usually, but what happened was my brain.

[00:19:07] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: My experience was hardwired for protection. So rather than connection, I was about protection. So the beautiful thing about this transformation for me has been this understanding that, oh, thank you, human nature for keeping me here. And yet I don’t need to keep my fists up anymore because life isn’t happening to me.

[00:19:29] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: There isn’t anyone to blame. There isn’t anyone to judge there. Any there’s anyone else to shame? All of us were here. The six of us in my own family of origin, two parents, I’m the oldest of four. So we all came in together actually to help each other have experiences as human beings, hopefully to remember that we were sacred, hopefully to help share something with the world that would be meaningful.

[00:19:57] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And some of. Two [00:20:00] of the members of my family of origin have passed away. My daddy and I, unfortunately haven’t been able to reconnect. And so some of us are in a different part of that journey of rebalancing mind, body, and spirit. But here’s what I want everyone to know. If you have had trauma touch your life in any stage of your life.

[00:20:21] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I want you to know that you are not broken. You’re actually in a healing process and all that’s happening is your inner guidance, your sacred nature, your soul, whatever you choose to call it is attempting to restore its opportunity to live through you in this lifetime. That’s all this is, and no one has done anything wrong.

[00:20:47] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: This gets a little bit harder as it relates to, well, wait a minute, and I know this may sound strange as someone who has had experiences with abuse and trafficking, but one of the things I recognized is that. I have as much a [00:21:00] terrorist in me, a bully in me, someone who’s been unkind, someone who’s said unkind things.

[00:21:06] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So this villain and victim kind of, idea or polarity. I just want us all to know that, we’re all sacred. The people who you, who were wounded who harmed me or who harmed others is as sacred. Me or you or anybody else who was harmed. And so how do we begin to negotiate and navigate that experience where, ah we’re all sacred.

[00:21:40] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: We all have free will. And there are some choices that each of us made. So I know for a fact that my father and those who were involved in the trafficking who caused harm have been wounded themselves, no excuses just explaining [00:22:00] that wounded people, wounded, other people. And I have done that unconsciously trauma attracts trauma.

[00:22:11] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So if you’re ever wondering how you chose your intimate partner or your husband, wife, or your whoever, all you are mirrors to each other about what you are wanting to heal in your lifetime. So it’s just a different way of looking at this phenomenon.

[00:22:36] Scott DeLuzio: Right? And I, so one of the reasons that this podcast even exists is to help out the military, the veteran community the people who are coming back from combat, who are getting out of the military and trying to.

[00:22:53] Scott DeLuzio: Started a new life as a civilian. Right. And they come out with these traumatic [00:23:00] events that they may have experienced and they. Start to hurt the people that are around them. Their spouses, their children, just the people in their lives. Right. Not intentionally. It’s not like they’re setting off to be like, okay, I’m hurting.

[00:23:16] Scott DeLuzio: So this person needs to pay for it. And this person needs to, but. It happens. It comes off. I’m guilty of it myself coming back from combat. I started, I had angry outbursts, right. And I started seeing that in my son who. Was starting to react to frustrations in his own life, as minor as they may be, but with a very similar way that I was reacting to things.

[00:23:41] Scott DeLuzio: And my gosh was that an ugly look in the mirror, looking at my, myself in this young child and realizing man, that’s exactly how I am reacting this. Isn’t okay. I need to do something to change this, right. What are some ways that, that people can, once when they realize that they’re on this [00:24:00] Merry go round, what are some ways that people can move for forward and move towards healing themselves, healing, their families, healing the people around them.

[00:24:08] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Yeah. The, so there’s a lot going on there. So here’s what I would say. Whether you are a combat veteran in service to. Our country, which is incredible. It’s an incredible commitment. And I’m overwhelmed and humbled by those who serve. What I would say is the first thing that happens is the first fight and battle.

[00:24:38] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: The first war that you are engaged in that needs to transform is the battle within this is an inside out job. So before we can help those, we love to transform those dynamics and communications with our families [00:25:00] or our partners or whoever we have to be willing to honor our own healing. We have to be willing to notice when we’re criticizing ourselves to notice when we are saying we’re unlovable or we’re doing things that are not lovable.

[00:25:18] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So for instance, if addictions in my own life, there are so many addictions, lots of addictions, but here is the addiction that. More addictive than any substance on the face of this earth that we were unaware of. And it is the addiction of trauma drama. It is the stress res it is a human stress response that just indicates that we are not balanced in our mind, body and spirit and drama is all of that conflict and hissing and spit.

[00:25:55] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: We keep going around in. So it’s the combination of the trauma, [00:26:00] an event that throws our mind, body and spirit off balance along with now the dynamics and engaging in interactions, communications that are toxic. It’s the combination and all that is in our world right now within ourselves. And others is it, this is a human stress response.

[00:26:16] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And all it’s saying is everyone has reached their level of suffer. And once you get to a level of suffering, you have preferences, not just choices. Do I prefer to stay on the merry-go-round or do I make a choice to begin being curious, not judgemental or blaming of myself or anybody else? Am I gonna stay curious to notice about what is my thought?

[00:26:44] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: What am I saying? How am I feeling? What am I. That keeps me on that. Merry-go-round so Scott, there’s three simple things that I’ve learned how to do that. I share with people with a bonus. So here’s what it is. And I think you’re old enough to remember this, but [00:27:00] when we’re we were in grade school I’m not sure they still teaching the stop drop and roll maneuver.

[00:27:05] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Oh yeah. In case you’re on fire right now, I had another podcaster yesterday. Say. Have you ever seen a child on fire? Like why are we still having to learn the stop drop and roll? When was the last time you saw somebody running down the street? And I chuckled and I said, I don’t know but what this reminded me of is being on fire, whether it’s being in crisis with yourself in your relationships, in your families.

[00:27:27] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So what I’ve created is something called stop drop and be stop. And be still it’s one of the hardest things for us to do drop into your. Three deep breaths, five seconds in five seconds, hold five seconds out. And you breathe in and out for at least two to three minutes. It really helps your nervous system.

[00:27:56] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So you’re being still, you’re dropping into your breath [00:28:00] and you’re being stop drop. Be in the moment. You are in and how do you do that? Because we got our monkey minds and you got a hundred things going on and you got your tech all over the place. So the way to do this is very simple. Do not do this while you’re driving, pull over, we have actually six senses, but the five senses you use in being is, what am I seeing?

[00:28:27] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: What am I hearing? What am I feeling underneath me? With my hands, the car seats underneath me, what do I smell? What do I TA what do I have a taste in my mouth? Did I just brush my teeth that I just have a hamburger? Right. And so that gets you into a being state. So you stop, you drop and you be.

[00:28:51] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And the next thing I do, if I’m really struggling, let’s say anger comes up or irritation. Those are big things for me. I know I’m kind of outta balance when that’s starting to happen. I can [00:29:00] feel it in my body. Now I stop drop, beat, and then I give myself a hug. Well, what is that? That’s where I harness unconditional gratitude and I name out loud or in my mind, three things in that moment.

[00:29:16] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I am grateful. And what quantum physics or other spiritual teachings tell us is that when we change the vibration, if I’ve gone from a vibration of anger and irritation frustration, which are lower level energy, negative thoughts, kind of thing. And I pull into the stop drop, be with a hug. My vibration has changed in my body and in every.

[00:29:47] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Thing around me. And the reason why, again, these are all kind of what I call downloads or dreams and visions that I’ve had about bringing very simple ideas to help us transform this [00:30:00] merry-go-round in each moment is some, the reason why I love it is because I’ve used it over and over again with my granddaughters, because I am devoted to changing the vibration and healing the generations.

[00:30:16] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Of my own family and I’m doing it in real time and it has to be very simple and fun. And so these are the things that I’ve come up with that I’ve noticed have changed things very quickly. And it’s something that I can do with the people I love and they’re willing to do it with me. So when children or adults are running that energy of hurt or frustration or a two year old meltdown or.

[00:30:45] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Whatever my husband and I do this. If we’re about to head into some territory where more healing is about to get done, that’s how I frame it. We stop drop B, think of three things we’re grateful for. [00:31:00] And then we move into whatever discussion it is. We need to have, it changes everything. It changes the moment.

[00:31:12] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And once you learn how to do that, then that becomes your instead of survival software, right? That default mechanism, then that new transformed way of being becomes your default mechanism. The more you do it, the more you go to it. And then that Merry go round is transformed. That’s what I’ve noticed.

[00:31:34] Scott DeLuzio: I, it sounds almost like a muscle that needs to be exercised. Right? That’s all it is. The more you, you lift the weights, the stronger the muscle gets and the more you’re gonna go to that muscle to, to use, to lift. Other things and it’s not just necessarily to show off at the gym or whatever it’s practical uses.

[00:31:53] Scott DeLuzio: So you can come home and you can pick heavy things up. You can do things that you wouldn’t be able to do had you not [00:32:00] exercise that prior. So, my guess just like with any exercise is the. Few times you do that exercise. It’s probably gonna leave you a little bit sore. It’s might be a difficult thing to do.

[00:32:13] Scott DeLuzio: If you keep working at it and do it over and over, it just becomes something that is second nature to you. Just like going to the gym and picking up weights, right? The first time you go to the gym and pick up those weights, you’re gonna be hating yourself for how sorry you are.

[00:32:29] Scott DeLuzio: But if you keep at it you’re going to, you’re going to. See the results and the benefits from all of that. Yeah. I

[00:32:37] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: think one of the most surprising me thing for me, Scott, is that, when trauma happens in early childhood, those are called adverse childhood experiences. I did not stop loving my parents.

[00:32:48] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I stopped loving myself and to go from a state of being where I felt unlovable and afraid my entire. [00:33:00] And that’s the, that was how I lived my life for 56 years. And to practice this new muscle thing, what ha what has happened is I have learned to have self love, self trust, self respect, and those are things that I had no idea.

[00:33:25] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And so to just change the vibration and to be on this healing journey, which I will be on the rest of my life is to have faith and believe in the sacred nature, the truth of who I am and allow that to flow and in doing so. There’s a lot of families that asked, well, I’m doing this for myself and I’m healing.

[00:33:46] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And yet my parents or my partner, or my family’s still super toxic. Am I supposed to just walk away? Do I just leave them in the dust back here? Because most of the time they don’t understand what I’m doing and [00:34:00] they’re getting actually worse and not better because I’m making ’em uncomfortable.

[00:34:04] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So what do I do? And here’s what I would. There is nothing for you to do. You’re not responsible for their journey. If they’re uncomfortable, then all that means is they’re starting to get curious and notice, and yes, they’re hissing and spit, but stay in your lane, do your own healing. Your vibration will change the way those interactions happen.

[00:34:31] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And if they’re overwhelming, then you have the opportunity to say. Hey, I’m not real interested in that. So you step out of the replay. You step out of the reenactment, you stepped, you step out of the reaction. Once I moved away and toward my own healing with my father, it allowed me the chance to really heal.

[00:34:58] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And there may be a time where [00:35:00] those situations and circumstances will require you to honor your inner guidance system and keep moving. But here’s what I would say. He is a spark of creation. I am not truly separated from him in any real way. And he is on his journey. And I imagine that if he were to call or I had an opportunity to see him again, But I am not the same person and neither is he.

[00:35:28] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And so there’s always hope that those that you love that may be struggling in their humanness, not yet met their sacredness again. That is their journey, their experience. And it’s all right, let go. That’s what I would say. Let go and keep moving.

[00:35:48] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. Because really at the end of the day, you can only really control yourself and work towards healing yourself.

[00:35:56] Scott DeLuzio: Become a better version of yourself. And like we are saying [00:36:00] before, it takes work, it takes effort. You have to keep working at that. And if you’re spending your. Energy and effort trying to affect somebody else who may not be in that same place as you, who is ready to be changed, to be healed, to be, whatever the languages that you want to use.

[00:36:18] Scott DeLuzio: You’re spending all that energy on that person, but. Not spending it on yourself and you’re not gonna do yourself any favors there. You’re not making any progress with your own journey. Right?

[00:36:30] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Right. So one of the things I noticed, and there will be families who choose not to heal. And that’s where that addiction to trauma drama comes from.

[00:36:39] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So I used to when I was in the homes of families many years ago, Jerry Springer was always on the television. And, we got chairs flying and people screaming and whose baby daddy is that, and this, that, or the other now remember trauma drama is such an intense addiction because we’ve normalized.

[00:36:58] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: So there will be [00:37:00] people and families that it’s just too hard to break that addiction. It takes a lot of courage to step out of the role. So in my case, the oldest child, the protector, the peacekeeper, once I moved out of that, play my father’s narrative of my character in that play, it changed the dynamic of everybody.

[00:37:23] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And that’s where real healing can begin to occur, not just for whoever steps stage left or right. But whoever goes in whatever direction they want to. So moving to towards a different dynamic and interaction with the people you love is an act of courage. Now, having said that there will be families it’s too hard.

[00:37:45] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: It’s too scary to move out of your position, your role in the play. And that’s all right, too, because everybody is experiencing their humanness as a [00:38:00] spiritual being in their own way. And we don’t know what anyone’s sacred contract is or what decisions they have made about what they want to experience.

[00:38:08] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: And I think just allowing yourself to heal is more than enough, but as a child who was conditioned to be responsible for everyone else, I had no clue. About what I liked or what I felt or what I knew or did not know. So a lot of this has to do with just getting that aha moment that, oh, so I’m here to experience what it means to be human.

[00:38:38] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: I’m not meant to stay wounded humanity. Wasn’t meant to hover. On the ride of the Merry go round of survival, but we can’t transform it. Scott, if we don’t know that we’re on the ride in the first place. And that’s why for me, this message is so critical.

[00:38:59] Scott DeLuzio: Right? So I think. [00:39:00] We talked about that before. How, can I even identify that we’re on this ride and you went through the seven steps that are in there with the, all the questions that you can ask yourself and figure out, okay is this something that I’m experiencing in my life?

[00:39:16] Scott DeLuzio: But also when you realize that and you recognize, okay, I am on this Merry go round. We talked about, the ways that you can work towards getting yourself healed and move towards that. And I think that’s a key point is the healing working towards that healing because not only will it impact you, it will likely also have.

[00:39:45] Scott DeLuzio: An exponential effect where it starts to impact the other people in your lives. Especially if you’re the one who experienced some sort of trauma whatever it may have been, it could have been an assault. It could have been combat, it could have [00:40:00] been any number of things. Right, right. But if you’re now taking that and unleashing it on other people, once a.

[00:40:08] Scott DeLuzio: Recognize that you have this problem with this trauma and you work on resolving that trauma. Just by, normal human nature and human interactions. You’re not gonna want to hurt the people around you. The people who you love and care about, you don’t wanna hurt those people. And so, as you are healing, you’re gonna be hurting those people less and less and less.

[00:40:37] Scott DeLuzio: Yes. To a point where now. They are able to be healed, cuz they’re not constantly being bombarded with this negativity coming from you. And so it, it will eventually have that exponential effect where you end up getting yourself and the people around you in a better place. And I think that’s really what it’s all about.

[00:40:59] Scott DeLuzio: Just [00:41:00] trying to work on getting everyone in a better place. Right,

[00:41:03] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: right. And the best way. For me, what I know is to help and leave a legacy of healing in my own family and generations is to honor my own healing. It will always start with me. It will always end with me. And as I honor my own sacred spark, it’s really effortless as it relates to.

[00:41:29] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: If I am comfortable in my, and it’s. So love isn’t necessarily a word or emotion. What I would say is love is a state of being, and you will come into that effortlessly when the balance is restored, mind, body, and spirit, and then you’ll begin to notice and perceive around you. It just seems like miracles happen in your family or in your relationships.

[00:41:57] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: You’re like, well, how did that happen? Or the baby seems [00:42:00] so much calmer or whatever it is. It’s an energetic, vibrational state of being. And as long as I can hold onto my own state of being not doing then.

[00:42:17] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Life transforms. And it transforms around me around the people I love and we are, we don’t have to work at it. It happens effortlessly. And so that’s where the hope is for anyone who wants to just explore this way of seeing trauma. Again, it’s a process of healing. It’s just an opportunity for trauma drama.

[00:42:44] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: If you can break yourself of the addiction of trauma drama, if you notice and are curious about it and you just pay attention to it and then it, and with intention and love, heal that for yourself, it [00:43:00] will echo then into the world that we all would love to live.

[00:43:07] Scott DeLuzio: With that. I think this is a kind of a good place to, to close out this episode.

[00:43:11] Scott DeLuzio: But I wanna give you a chance to tell people where they can go to find a copy of the book when it’s released it. It’s not out quite yet, but it will be by the time this episode comes out. So where can they go to find the book and get in touch with you to find out more inform.

[00:43:26] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: Sure. So the book will be published the end of September on Amazon. And if you’re looking for me, you can go to one sacred family.com. That’s O N E S a C R E D. family.com.

[00:43:41] Scott DeLuzio: Great. And I will have links to all of us in the show notes and where you can go to get in touch with Dr. Bohnhoff and find a copy of the book.

[00:43:49] Scott DeLuzio: Thank you again for joining me today. Really appreciate your time and the information that you were able to provide us. And hopefully that gets out to some families and helps heal the, these [00:44:00] these families. Thank you

[00:44:01] Dr. Kelly Bohnhoff: so much, Scott.

[00:44:02] Scott DeLuzio: Thanks for listening to the Drive On Podcast. If you wanna check out more episodes or learn more about the show, you can visit our website driveonpodcast.com. We’re also on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and YouTube at drive on podcast.

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