Episode 235 Vicki Matthews How to Get Along With Anyone Transcript
This transcript is from episode 235 with guest Vicki Matthews.
Scott DeLuzio: [00:00:00] Thanks for tuning in to the Drive On Podcast where we are focused on giving hope and strength to the entire military community. Whether you’re a veteran, active duty, guard, reserve, or a family member, this podcast will share inspirational stories and resources that are useful to you. I’m your host Scott DeLuzio and now let’s get on with the show.
Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Drive On Podcast Today my guest is Dr. Vicki Matthews. Dr. Matthews is an author, teacher, relationship coach, and naturopathic physician. Her work is focused on helping people better understand themselves and the people in their lives, and from this understanding Naturally grow better relationships.
And today we’re gonna discuss how to manage things like anger in ourselves and in others, and some quick fixes that we might need to put into our lives when things aren’t going quite the way we want them to. So, welcome to the show Vicki, I’m glad to have you
Vicki Matthews: here. Thank [00:01:00] you. It’s great to be here.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. So, why don’t you tell us a little bit. About yourself and your
Vicki Matthews: background. Okay, so I am a naturopathic physician and a relationship coach. I have a degree in psychology as well. In fact in an mba in consumer behavior, my husband says I have way too much education, but I love learning.
So I’ll go back to school. The drop of a beat. So, so anyway, what I have done over the course of my practice is work with people fairly seriously ill people and especially focused on cancer patients. And one of the things that I found in my practice was to really heal from cancer, you have to be balanced emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
And I, we worked on those areas, but when we came to the emotional piece, almost every single person’s emotional issues dealt with relationships. So what I did was start introducing into my practice something that I’d used for my relationship with my husband, which was a system based on the five element model from traditional Chinese medicine which is water, wood, fire, earth, and metal.
And in that [00:02:00] model that they used to describe seasons or the phases of anything I saw personal. So I started ascribing personalities and identifying where, what my tendencies would be, what my husbands, and how to make those work better. And I started sharing that with my patients, and it really made differences for them.
So that was incredibly fulfilling. I remember one of my, one of my clients was a macho guy who had been a football star in college and he had a son and his son didn’t wanna play with. . And so he came to me and said, I’m wa I’m raising a wimpy kid. You know what’s with my kid? He’s a wimp.
It’s like, no, he’s not a wimp. He’s just not like you. He’s different. So you need to understand that about him. He was a very, he’s what I would call a water personality, whereas the dad was a, would make it happen. Assertive, aggressive type personality. And once he understood that his kid was artistic and.
Really wanted to camera, really wanted to loved drawing and painting. He got him a camera and [00:03:00] they, it changed the relationship. They did photo weekends together and that kid’s a professional photographer now. And so it was that level of understanding not to project ourselves onto other people or, and we’ll never.
Totally experience what someone else does, but we can at least try and understand it. So, and that, that helped me again with my marriage significantly.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. And I, I’ve noticed when with my own children watching them grow up you know, from the time that they’re infants and they’re growing up and they start to develop their own personalities and they’re as unique as.
As anything else, right? Yes. And to expect that they’re going to have the same exact interests as you or the same talents or whatever. It’s just sort of unrealistic. I mean, sure. They’re gonna probably. Gravitate a little bit more towards what mom or dad is doing, just because that’s what they know.
If mom and dad are always if mom’s always you know, baking these wonderful cakes and brownies and other things like that, well the kids are [00:04:00] gonna start to be like, Hey, these things taste great and I’m gonna want to learn a little bit more about how do these things, how do I do that? Right.
And so I think that’s just sort of natural, right? But they’re gonna have their own interests as well. They may not be into that that, you know, more than just, you know, the younger years of their lives. . So, so yeah, you definitely have to be open, I think, in all relationships to what other people are.
What their talents are, what their yes. What their interests are and things like that. Yes. So you’re not projecting your own interests and your own things onto other people. Right,
Vicki Matthews: Exactly. And also if you know what their skills are. For example, if you’re hiring someone, you want people. to have the same skill set that you’re requiring for that particular position.
So that’s another way of again, that with this model that, that I developed, that’s featured in my book, you can know ahead of time you’re gonna be looking if you want a salesperson, well, you don’t wanna hire a shy person. You [00:05:00] want someone that likes to be out there either, you know, the more wood personality of make it happen, or even better a fire personality.
Those are the people that love to be in front of an audience. They, you know, 10,000 people, no problem. I’ll go talk to ’em tomorrow. They’re really engaging and tell jokes well and connect with people. That’s what you want a salesperson to be able to connect. So it’s also if you’re running a company or trying to get yourself hired someplace, how to play to your strengths or how to help your employees play to their strengths.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. So you mentioned earlier the five. Different personalities that you’re talking about there. , could you describe what each one of those are? Cause I, I know you, you mentioned them as in terms of like the elements. Yes. And what does each one of those actually mean? Right. As far as like, let’s relate that to a, a.
Type of person that, A type of person, Absolutely. Maybe an avatar of somebody that we might know in our own lives, right? Yes.
Vicki Matthews: Okay. So it starts with water and they, the Chinese built this on the flow of seasons. So that’s winter. Water is winter, [00:06:00] it’s a quiet time. Anything, everything’s inter directed.
Think about it. The fish is swimming under the ice, but we don’t see ’em on the surface. The animals are sleeping in their dens, that kind of a thing. So it’s very still very restful, very. Inter directed time. Those are gonna be your searchers, your loaners as personalities. They’re philosoph, very creative artists think about Vincent Vangogh.
He would’ve been a really good example of a watered person just, you know, super, super creative and not particularly the most socially functional person on the planet because they don’t really need other people. They’re totally happy with themselves and what they’re doing. Okay. So, the next around the cycle would be spring.
That’s that wood. , and that’s, you know, that’s the force it takes for a bud to burst through the bark of a tree, you know, just like energy manifest. I always joke to people when you’re hiring, if you want something done, hire a wood woods, make things happen. So would people or the business executives, they’re athletes, The trial lawyers, generals Walter Payton was a wood, [00:07:00] you know, as the, as a football player, he could make every play that needed to happen.
It’s a visionaries. Would people look at the future, they’re very good at reading the future and saying, Okay, we need to get from A to Z. Here’s how we’re gonna get there. This, and this. So they’re future honored. They’re great planners and they’re great organizers. So then you come to summer, those are, that’s fiery energy.
And those, as I said, they’re people that love to talk to other people. They’re comedians, Speaker. Actors, they love attention. The late comic Robin Williams was a perfect example of a fire, you know, like no boundaries, like drop it all and just be hysterical right on the spot. And so those are people, but they, it really matters to fire people, to a connect with other people.
It may not be a long term connection, in fact it probably won’t be but quick connections, they’re great at parties. They can work any room at any party any time. I mean, just really, they’re people short. . So they’re and they are, they can make anything a party, they can make anything fun. So we love the fire people.
It’s just that [00:08:00] sometimes they tire us after a while. , right? So then we’re gonna go to fall, which is the metal personality, and that’s where things close down. You star you’re the summer’s ending. And in autumn, you know, the leaves fall from the tree. We, the energy starts moving back inward. So one thing about.
About metal people is that they sit at the end of the cycle. So they can look back and say, Here’s what worked, here’s what didn’t worked, here’s what we’re taking forward, here’s what we’re leaving behind. They’re great sorters, they’re great analysts. The architects account anything that needs detail.
Architects, accountants, corporate lawyers, military very frequently sits in the metal element because it’s so structured and organized. There’s nothing more structured than. As an element, but again, you can, you, we don’t have just one, we have all five of them in us, so we lead with one, but we can access all of them.
So I, I think of Frank Lloyd Wright as a really good example as an architect, and [00:09:00] so specific and detailed, but still very creative in his own way. He was a really good example of a metal person. So the last is, Earth in the model, when the model is drawn, Earth sits between fire and metal and it’s balance.
It’s solstice and equinoxes, and we talk about earth mothers. That’s what earth is. Earth is caring and nurturing and desire to make other people happy. Foodies. Our earth. Good cooks have a lot of earth. Any nurse or teacher you’ve ever known has a lot of earth energy cuz they’re so caring and they want other people to be happy.
So basically their distinct personalities. But again, we have all of them. So we, I can access my metal if I need to look back and say, Well, this didn’t work, so why am I gonna try it again? Type of thing but without thinking about it, I’m gonna lead with my wood and my husband, without thinking about it, will lead with his metal.
So, you know, it’s just, And then the trick is this model isn’t just static. They all relate to each other. [00:10:00] So they relate to each other, each elemental personality, just like it does in nature. Think about water. Water feeds wood, right? Trees need water to grow, but water puts out fire. So the relationship between a water and a wood PE person is going to be very different than a water and a fire person.
All of them can work. And that’s something I really focus on very strongly in my book. And that I don’t want people to say, Well, like, you know, that’s a water person. I can’t possibly be with them. No, no, no, no. You can fall in love with anyone you want and I promise there’s a way to make it work.
so.
Scott DeLuzio: Sure. Yeah. Okay. So I think you know, cuz we. Using some of the terms that you were referring to some of the elements and I wanted, you know, to kind of clarify some of that for the listeners and a lot of those I feel like as you’re describing them like I already knew what they were, I just didn’t know specifically the element that which element corresponded to.
Personality. Yeah. Personality, right? Yes. There’s the introvert extrovert kind of thing, right? Where you can, like [00:11:00] those I’m familiar with and these I maybe wasn’t so familiar with. And so now I can kind of, relate to those a little bit better now that you’ve explained those.
Right? So thank you. So, so now that we’re talking about veterans largely is. Population that’s really listening to this podcast or the people who are listening to it are interested in helping out the veterans in their lives. Yeah. And we’re talking about people who, especially over the last 20 some odd years, have dealt with conflict quite a bit.
Mm-hmm. and a good number of us have tended to have probably an aggressive personality. Mm-hmm. . And anger is one of those things that’s somewhat encouraged in the military. Mm-hmm. , so. I wanna talk about what we do when we bring some of that stuff home. Cause I, it’s probably pretty easy for a lot of us to bring that home into our personal relationships out of work after we leave the military.
It’s. Just been ingrained in us for so long that, you know, maybe we just don’t know how to turn that off. And so how can we better manage some of that in our anger?
Vicki Matthews: And I think that’s [00:12:00] a really wise observation and suggestion that if you think about. Elements, Wood and metal are the two most structured.
It doesn’t get a whole lot more structured than wood and metal. And so I would venture to guess that 90% of the people that are in military and do well in military are either wood or metal per personalities. So when wood is stressed, it goes to anger. So A and I have to imagine never having been in the military myself, but there have to be a lot of stressed situations.
So it. Not surprising that people would become angry. And what you wanna do is, number one, try and ratchet down the stress level. And then there are lots of ways to help someone that is, is feeling stressed and angry. Mitigate that and soften that. I mean, you can’t tell somebody, you can’t be angry.
Because you know, you and I both know that’s not going to work. . If
Scott DeLuzio: anything It’ll backfire on you. Exactly. You’ll just
Vicki Matthews: get, Get more angry. . Yeah. But I [00:13:00] do think if people understand, okay, where I’m gonna go, because again, I’m that wood personality. If I know I’m gonna go to anger, , I can do some things and we’re talking some silly things like there’s certain tees that help balance wood energy.
There’s certain colors that help balance wood energy. So if I know I’m going into a place where my buttons are likely to get pushed, I might actually. Proactively wear a different color or, I mean, it may sound woo woo, but certain stones have an energy, cuz these are all energies we’re talking about. You know, they’re not, you know, wearing a badge that says, Okay, I’m a wood type of thing.
It’s kind of wired into your energy that can help. Help make things go more smoothly. So it’s kind of that understanding and it’s an understanding of yourself. It’s also an understanding, going back to that, how water and wood relate versus water and fire. That you could be madly in love with a, be a water person and be madly in love with a fire person.
But you have to understand the dynamics and once you do, you can work with it. I mean, I, I honestly, truly believe anybody [00:14:00] can get along with anybody else if they understand and are willing to put a little effort.
Scott DeLuzio: Right. And I think that’s the key out of all of this here. Regardless of what you call it, if it’s wood or fire or whatever mm-hmm.
you know, whatever the personality types are, whatever you call it. I think at the end of the day just that understanding aspect of it is the most important it is thing. And so, You know, someone might be listening to this and they, they may feel like, Oh that’s a little too woo woo for me.
Woo woo. Right. I’m not really buying into all of that stuff. And that’s fine. And I get it because you know, certain things are not gonna be, it’s not gonna be for everyone. They’re not gonna understand it the right way. To Right. Get the full benefit out of it. Right. But I think you still can have a takeaway here of just that general understanding of the other people.
Yes. And try to understand their personality. Just like, you were talking about that. That guy in the beginning of this episode where he was into football and his son wasn’t, and yes. You know, he was thinking, Oh, I’m raising a woo. Well, no, you’re not raising a woo, you’re just raising somebody who [00:15:00] has a different personality than you.
They’re not into that, a different type of stuff. Right. And that’s okay. Like I think
Vicki Matthews: that’s in some ways better. You know, it’s better because he will honor the difference of his child and help raise that. Not try and make a little mini me out of him. Right.
Scott DeLuzio: And if you think about it, All have the same personalities, like how boring would this world be?
Vicki Matthews: That would be horrible. It would be pretty boring. And not everything would get done. I mean, that’s the other thing that I think is really special and I tried to put into the information in my book is here is what each of these different personalities will be really good at. Yeah. Here’s what they might have trouble with.
Here’s what, like, if you need a plumber, don’t go to a fire , you know, find a personality that knows detail and knows how to do things and is good with their hands. And so it’s really a it’s like I think of it in some ways as a prime of understanding all the different people in your life.
Scott DeLuzio: Right. Because there are so many different people and you just brought up some good examples there of [00:16:00] even the people who provide services, right? A plumber, electrician, a mm-hmm. , a doctor, a mm-hmm. , you know, the landscaper or your accountant. All of those people, they all have their own personalities and You may not. Necessarily want to invite ’em over to dinner because maybe they’re just not your cup of tea, but Right. if they’re the right personality for the job that they’re doing then maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you want to hang onto that
Vicki Matthews: person because, and you wanna understand them enough to get along with them well enough so that it’s a win-win for everybody.
Yeah, exactly. That’s what I, you know, I look at what’s happening in the country, 40 million lawsuits a year with the third highest divorce rate in the world. Half of our millennials already in relationship counseling that says to me, We have trouble getting along. You know, We really do. And I think that comes from.
Either not an ability to understand or not willing to understand. And that’s why I tried to make it as simple as possible. I mean, there’s a quiz to figure out on my website to figure out what your primary LMI personality is. I mean, you don’t even to sit and [00:17:00] ponder yourself, you can take this quiz, but if we understand that what you’re gonna bring to the table and what someone else is gonna bring to the table, how do you benefit from that?
Scott DeLuzio: Right. There is a benefit there too because if you had everybody who was very analytical mindset you’re not gonna end up. Great artworks that, that are, you know, all over museums, all over the world, right? You’re not, Or dinners
Vicki Matthews: you won’t have any or good dinner . Yeah.
Scott DeLuzio: I mean, you’ll eat, but it’s not gonna be like you’re going to some five star restaurant or anything, right?
No, you’re not . So, so let’s change up a little bit here. Let’s talk about when we’re dealing. Other people, You know, let’s say we’re trying to have a better understanding of other people and mm-hmm. , but we’re dealing with people who don’t quite understand us and they end up getting angry with us for whatever reason.
Maybe our personalities are just clashing with them. They don’t Right. Quite understand where we’re coming from how do we deal with other people and help those relationships.
Vicki Matthews: Okay. It, a lot of [00:18:00] it will depend on how invested in the relationship. . I mean, if this is your mother-in-law and you have to get along with this person, then I will go back to the word understanding.
I mean, I have had to work with a lot of people, a lot of people in my practice who I just hit me the wrong way, but I knew I could help this person and I’m committed to helping people. So I was like, Okay, I’m gonna have to really work with this person. What I have done for myself is, I can tell you the.
The high points of every single personality. Yes, they may rub the wrong way, but they’re good at this, they’re good at this, they’re good at this. And I try and see the best in that person, and that helps me understand where they’re coming from and that they’re probably coming from a good place. I mean, nobody gets up in the morning and decides to be a jerk, I think.
Really? I hope not. So it’s, it comes back to that understanding that if we have If we take a little bit of a time to look at how they’re acting, what matters to them what they’re good at, you know, few, a few little markers, we can pretty much say, Okay they’re [00:19:00] manifesting this type of energy and emotions, unfortunately, are a great way to do it.
Where we go when we’re stressed is a pretty good indication of our elemental personality. Waters are gonna go to depress. They’re gonna go to they go deep underwater. They detach, they go to depression, they go to fear ang and that kind of thing. A wood personality is gonna go to anger. They’re gonna go to anger and frustration cuz they’re usually, they’re trying to do something and something’s in their way.
I. Water or fire. People are gonna go to anxiety and panic. You know, still, it’s gonna be very active, very movement oriented, but it’s gonna be like it’s a, it’s like, Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. What’s happening? What’s happening here? That’s a outta balance. Fire person, Earth people will go to caring and compassion.
They, it, you have to be really out of balance as an earth to go to something that’s not functional, and that would be codependence Earth People are, can become codependent and metal people. They go [00:20:00] to . If they’re really outta balance and things aren’t going well, they can go to grief, they can go to sadness that it’s ending and things aren’t ending well, or something’s over, and it’s not over in a good way.
But they can also become very erudite and arrogant because they have seen a whole cycle. They usually know more about what’s going on than most people, so they, and they know that about themselves. So if they’re out of balance, and the goal, of course, is always. So if they get out of balance they can be a little aloof, a little aite, a little I know more than you do type of thing.
Scott DeLuzio: So, and I think we, we all know people, I think, who have some of these traits that you’ve talked about. Right? And so, you know, as you’re, for the listeners, as you’re sitting there listening to this episode, You know, I want you to think about some of these people who are in your life that maybe you don’t have quite as good of a relationship with as you could, or that you maybe want to have, want to, you know, you mentioned [00:21:00] like a mother-in-law, for example.
Mm-hmm. , and that’s a stereotypical example where a lot of times it works. No, it just, and it works really well because, you know, in a lot of cases you know, the in-laws just don’t have great relationships. Right. But that’s something that you probably should want to have a good relationship with those people, right?
That if those people are important to your spouse, then they should be important to you as well. Absolutely. And so you’d wanna work on that. So, so maybe think about them and what their personality types are and mm-hmm. , try to maybe get an understanding of what it is that is driving their behaviors or their actions or what have you, because.
You know, at the end of the day I would imagine that many in-laws want only what’s best for their son or daughter. Yes. And if it seems like they’re not getting it from their spouse, then maybe that’s a great reason why they’re acting the way they’re acting or saying what they’re saying or whatever the case may be.
And so, you know, try to just come to a better understanding of whatever it is that they’re. They’re going through
Vicki Matthews: And what their priorities [00:22:00] are. I mean, look at it through their lens because each of the elemental personalities look at the world through a different lens. A wood’s gonna say, What can I get done today?
You know, what, Can I check off my list? A metal person’s gonna say, Oh what has, what is so great that I wanna move forward with it? You know, looking back, in fact, an interesting thing about the metal personality and a lot of military sits in the metal personality because hierarchy is so much a part of the metal element.
Because metal people tend to look back. If I say a typical wood question is, where do you wanna be in 10 years? And any wood on the planet can answer that question. You ask that to someone who has a really strong metal personality, they don’t look forward, they look back. So you almost have to say, 10 years from now, what would you like to look back on and have achieve?
It’s understanding that perspective in them and each of the elemental personalities has a different perspective. But it’s that kind of understanding. You know, if I had a couple that I worked with and [00:23:00] she was a wood. She’s like, So what do you wanna get done tomorrow? What do you wanna get done next week?
What if we do this in three years? And her husband was so not able to process that, You know, her wood was so, Forward looking and his metal was so backward, you know, analyzing and assessing. It was a, they had to really come to terms with that’s, there has to be a better way to approach it because it isn’t, you’re not wired to be compatible that way.
I mean, they had a great relationship in lots of other ways though.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, no, absolutely. And when you understand where that other person is coming from, that person who’s looking back instead of forward or vice versa, when you understand where they’re coming. It will help you to do things like rephrase questions.
Yes. You know, as opposed to where would you like to be in 10 years? Yes. Where would, in 10 years, you would like to look back and see back. Yes. Yeah, exactly like that. Just reframing that the question just ever so slightly. Mm-hmm. , helps to. Put yourself in that other person’s shoes and Yes. And [00:24:00] kind of understand where they’re coming from.
And you know, I think the, one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to have you on the show is because I know just so many military related people whether they’re currently serving or veterans they have troubled relationships especially marriages. Mm-hmm. , you know, where they’re getting divorced.
More often than the typical American family is getting divorced. And that’s, to me it’s a shame because a lot of times there, there is something there between those people. It’s not a bad relationship, it’s just maybe they don’t quite understand each other. And that’s key.
It is, the understanding is the key, I think. And when. You work on that and try to understand each other’s personalities and their likes and their dislikes and their beliefs and everything, the whole picture, whatever makes up that person. Mm-hmm. , and call it what you want, if you want to call it the different elements or if you want to call it different things.
To me, that doesn’t matter. It’s really just building on that understanding and helping. [00:25:00] Yeah. Helping to understand who they are. Exactly.
Vicki Matthews: Yeah. Yeah. And that’s where I think, I mean, a really good example is from my past. My husband and I met married and met in college and we married, moved and graduated all on the same weekend.
You know, I was just like, let’s just get it all done there. And we were driving out from Chicago to la, which is where I grew up, to go to my best friend’s wedding. We hit the Mojave Desert. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been to the Mojave Desert, but there is nothing. There it is. Rocks and sand. That’s it. And my husband drove the speed limit and I looked at him and I said, Can we speed this up?
And he looked back at me like I had four heads and said, We’re going the speed limit. And it was like, Oh my God. I don’t think I like the man. I love. I mean, who is this person? . I mean, I would’ve been like tearing through the Mojave Desert. . And that was the beginning of the quest for me. How do, how can I understand this person because I love this person and I wanna spend the rest of my life with this person.
And it wasn’t too long after that I, as part of my naturopathic studies, I discovered the five element model and started working [00:26:00] with it and realizing, well, he’s a metal, he’s wired to honor. Rules, laws, process, protocol. I am not . So, but I have to appreciate that in him and give him space for that to be okay.
And he has to appreciate that I’m a cowgirl. I mean, I’m like, make it happen. Who cares? You know, Harry bar the door type of thing. And he has to appreciate that matters to me. And a good turning point in our marriage was for a wood personality that’s making things happen. The last thing you wanna do is say, You can say, How about if this, but to say no to someone who’s in the middle of a big planning thing is like a car running into a brick.
Right. So he really quickly figured out the no, wasn’t a good idea, . And I mean, a good example is I wanted to tear a wall down the day after Christmas with our Christmas tree still up. And he’s like, Yeah, I’m not sure you’ve considered all the dust and all the mess. So he did stop me in a very reasonable way from doing a very stupid thing.
So [00:27:00] it’s. No matter how you relate, if you understand each other and take the time to learn the tools, a little bit of, you know, understanding makes a huge difference and you can get along with anybody.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, this, I think Is a conversation that is way deeper than I think we can get into here.
But I did mention in the beginning that you are an author. You wrote the book that I want to give you the chance to talk a little bit more about the book. Okay. But in the book again titled The Five Elements of Relationships, How to Get Along With Anyone, Anytime, Any Place. So could you tell us a little bit about that book and what it’s all about and what people could expect?
Okay.
Vicki Matthews: What you can expect from it is honestly better relationships. You can expect that you will understand anybody that you come across even at a cursory level, and there’s certain clues that will tell you pretty quickly what their primary personality is. Another aspect of the five element model is it’s that predictive, You know, water will feed wood, but it’s not gonna be so cool for.
And [00:28:00] so you can pretty much within five minutes determine you, you’ll know what your personality is. And I have a quiz on my website that people can take to determine the mix of the different elements in their personality. And so the minute you come across someone, you’ll be able to say, Oh, so this’ll be where we’ll, really, it’ll be easy and here’s where it’s gonna be hard.
So, you know, be aware of that and so I think that probably was the most important part for me was for people to. To give them like a model literally to fit things into. And so that’s what my book is about. It’s about that model and the different personalities and a whole lot about each of the personalities and things.
That’ll be easy for them. Things that’ll be hard. And I, and half the book is about when things don’t work. It’s like, here’s what you can do when you’re in a relationship with this type of a person and it’s not going smoothly. Yes. Again, like me, I loved him. I wasn’t sure I liked him. So how to make that better so that you can get along.
You may end up saying, Okay, we were too young, we shouldn’t have married and you know, let’s say we need to go our separate [00:29:00] ways, but I’ll tell you, I, everybody I’ve worked. I’m making sure this is true. I think of everybody I’ve worked with, only one couple has decided to divorce and then they hired me to help them divorce amicably.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, and I think that just goes to say something like once when you understand the person that you’re with you know, you may not be madly in love with every single person that you meet, right? That’s not the goal. Like, hope not, Or that would
Vicki Matthews: be’s not a very complicated life.
Scott DeLuzio: Let would be a very uncomfortable life , right?
But you’re gonna, you’re going to at least understand them and. Be able to get along with them once when you, Yeah, you have that, that understanding under your belt. Right.
Vicki Matthews: And honor them for what they’re good at honor. Just, it may not be what you’re good at, in which case maybe you need them, but, and their priorities may not be what your priorities are, but honor them for who they are and what their goal and role in this world is instead of dissing them because they’re not like you.
Right,
Scott DeLuzio: And that I [00:30:00] think these days it’s just all too easy to do. People do it so often and it’s just become. Part of I hate to say it, but it’s part of a culture almost where people just attack other people for having different personalities, different points of view, different beliefs, whatever.
You know, And that’s just not the right way. It isn’t have a functioning society, Right?
Vicki Matthews: No. And it’s why we don’t get along. Yeah. You can’t ha it’s hard to get along with someone that’s criticizing you all the time. So it’s. Or bashing what you believe in or how you approach things. I mean, five different personality sides.
It’s five different ways to approach things and there, there’s nothing wrong with any of them. Some will work better. It’s sort of saying to people, stop seeing the world through your lens and understand that, that in this case, we can identify five different lenses to look at the. All of them valid.
All of them important. I mean, my gosh, if you want someone to take care of your kids, hire someone that’s got a lot of earth energy. They will get nurtured, maybe better than you as a metal personality or wood personality would nurture [00:31:00] them in ways, you know, they may be the one that teaches the girl how to sew.
I mean, who knows? But honor them for that. I mean, I think if we I think understanding leads to the ability to honor to, to value somebody. And it’s so easy, as you said, to dis somebody because you, but that means you just don’t understand. .
Scott DeLuzio: Right. And that’s, I think the, probably the worst way to handle things is to just bash somebody else’s beliefs or.
Knock ’em down for you know, their points of view or their personalities or whatever, like that isn’t the right way to do things. And so, yeah, you know, we see that all too often and unfortunately not only is that just, you know, through social media or the news or whatever that, that comes home, comes into our relationships and that’s the way we start interacting with.
The person at the grocery store or whatever, and that’s like, that’s no way to go about living your life. Right? Well, you’re
Vicki Matthews: setting, you’re setting people up to fail. I mean, I do coaching with business executives. It’s like if you want someone to be a good salesperson, don’t hire a an earth. [00:32:00] They’ll be baking them cookies.
They’re not gonna be making, Well, I don’t wanna bother you. So maybe we’ll talk about this sale later. I mean, hire someone that’s either got a lot of fire or a lot of wood, or ideally a combination of the both. Cuz we all have all five. So it’s. It’s helping people, helping us play to people’s strengths when we’re working with them or we’re raising them as our children, or we’re trying to get along with a mother-in-law.
Everybody has strengths. Each of these personalities has great gifts to offer. They may not be the same gifts you have to offer, but look at them through the lens of their gifts, and that’s where understanding comes from and it’s much easier to get along with people that way. Yeah. And
Scott DeLuzio: so, you also mentioned as part of this book that you wrote, There’s a few quick fixes that you can have.
Yes. When things aren’t going the right way. Could you talk a little bit about those?
Vicki Matthews: Okay. Yes. It’s, some of them will sound a little different or too easy to believe or whatever, but they’re true. Let’s talk about for metal elements. People that are, you know, the end of the cycle, they’re really analytical, they’re really wise.
They can look [00:33:00] back and say, This work, this didn’t, we’re not gonna bother with this anymore. There are. Red clover tea will help balance the metal energy. El cappa and mullen. Teas will help balance the metal en energy. There are stones he tight. Snowflake, obsidian the energy. Everything has energy to me. I mean, so there’s energy in everything.
Those help balance metal. The color white. Is very good for supporting metal. If you have too much metal that you’re kind of stuck and you just don’t know how to go, you can’t move forward. You’re just stuck. Or you’re who hyper-critical, you know, you realize, God, I had been bitching about everybody today,
I mean, I really am not meaning to be so critical. You wanna loosen that up and. What will do that is water metal flow. The energy flows out of metal in the model into water. So by building your water, you’re pulling energy out of metal. So wearing blue or painting a wall blue. If you, I had one guy [00:34:00] who worked in an office where his co, they were two of them in an office and the person that he was in an office with was a metal person and they were just, you know, driving in bonkers.
So they pay, he panned them, paint one wall blue, and it, you know, it made enough of a subtle difference that it’s like, okay, yeah, the guy chilled out a lot. It was really good. Another thing that helps if there’s too much metal is fire. Fire melts metal. So Red reds. Fiery things like that. It’s, again, some of it sounds pretty woo woo, but I’ve been in practice for decades and worked, used this with people and it’s subtle, but it works.
It makes a difference. You know, We’re not trying to change people, we’re just trying to help bring them into balance and for themselves personally, and help other people understand them. I mean, it truly loving gift is to say, Hey, Know, you seem like you are really agitated these days. I brought you a blue scarf to wear because water helps dampen down too much fire, so it’s.
You know, it just depends on how, [00:35:00] what you wanna do with it, how you wanna use it. Some people use the book just to understand. It’s like, okay, so if I understand, I get it. But there’s so much more you can do to be proactive to help. I mean, I had another person that knew that her mother-in-law, Was really, really a fiery woman, which, you know, his, her husband thought, Oh God, you know, my mom was always a barrel of laughs.
You know, it was so much fun. Drove my client crazy. So to try and help the mother-in-law not be so fiery when they came, when she and her husband came over, she seriously did get like a blue tablecloth. She, you know, she served teas that would be a little dampening to, to fire energy and it’s subtle.
It’s minor, but it can make a.
Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. That’s interesting how, you know, some of those small fixes could you know, help to tamper mm-hmm. Some of the Yeah. Stronger personalities that Yes, yes. That, that you might be in, in contact with. So, again, The book, The Five Elements of Relationships, How to Get Along With [00:36:00] Anyone, Anytime, Any place.
Where can people go to get a copy of this book and get in touch with you?
Vicki Matthews: The book is available on Amazon and at Barnes and Noble, and my website is dr Vicki matthews.com and if they’re interested to know the mix of the elements in their person. On that website is a free little quiz that they can take very short one page about to help them see, you know, how much of me is metal, how much of me is water fire?
Cause we all have all five of them in us. And there’s also get Along now.com is a free little booklet they can get.
Scott DeLuzio: Okay, excellent. And I will have links to all of that in the show notes. So anyone who’s looking to get a copy of the book or take that quiz check the show notes out and I’ll link them there and you can check it out and get in touch with Dr.
Vicki Matthews through the website.
Vicki Matthews: I, you can go to [email protected]. Is the email you can use if you wanna.
Scott DeLuzio: Excellent. Yes. So the contact information will be there as well. Excellent. So, again it’s been a pleasure speaking with you today. Really glad that you came on and helped us to better understand the other [00:37:00] people in our lives and the relationships that we have and how we can help improve them as we progress forward.
Vicki Matthews: Yeah, that’s the goal. I want everybody to feel like they have tools to get along better.
Scott DeLuzio: All right. Thanks again.
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