Episode 409 Nate Turner Engaging Kids While Deployed Transcript

This transcript is from episode 409 with guest Nate Turner.

Scott DeLuzio: [00:00:00] Thanks for tuning in to the Drive On Podcast where we are focused on giving hope and strength to the entire military community. Whether you’re a veteran, active duty, guard, reserve, or a family member, this podcast will share inspirational stories and resources that are useful to you. I’m your host, Scott DeLuzio, and now let’s get on with the show.

Hey everyone. Welcome back to Drive On. I’m your host, Scott DeLuzio. And today my guest is Nate Turner. Nate is a speaker, author, lawyer, and advocate for parenting and college readiness. And today we’re going to be discussing tools, techniques, and strategies for staying connected with your children during deployments and how to avoid common mistakes.

Social and educational problems when parents are not physically present. So, uh, before we get started, uh, and get into all of that, I first want to welcome you to the show, Nate. I’m glad to have you here.

Nate Turner: Hey, thank you for having me. And I’m glad you [00:01:00] extended the invitation. I’m really

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think this is a, an important topic and one that maybe isn’t covered enough, um, with, within the military and the veteran community. Um, you know, just talking about, uh, you know, family life and the challenges that we might have, um, in, Just the day to day type of stuff, right? And just staying engaged, especially when folks are deployed.

So, um, can you maybe just start off, share some strategies for parents that, um, that they might be able to use to stay engaged with their children while they’re, they’re deployed or, or otherwise not at home, you know, they may be, uh, you know, away on a training exercise or something like that. Sometimes it.

They just can’t physically be there.

Nate Turner: Sure. I didn’t want to, so I’ll start with this, Scott. The reason that I’m here with you is because I have a son who’s now 29. Wow. Just turned 29. 30 [00:02:00] years ago, I started writing notes to a unborn child about the things that I wanted the child to know. I had this sort of feeling that I wasn’t going to live very long and, or, I was going to mess up our relationship like my, I believe my father had done with ours.

And so I wanted to write notes to the child to tell the child about how much I love the child. Um, as it turned out, when my son was two, he asked me to start writing him to, he wanted mail. And so I started writing him letters. And what I found from that, that that was a great way to communicate with him so that when he was 16, 13 years ago, when you were getting ready to leave the service, uh, He decided to move to Brazil, his own deployment, and I took those letters, put them in a binder, and I gave them to him.

So, one of the things I would suggest the parents do, is to write their children. Write them about the things that they would want their children to know. I have a good friend who gave me a book for Father’s Day that said, Dad, something like, Dad, tell me everything [00:03:00] about your life that I don’t know. And here’s a good opportunity to maybe start writing children about things about your life that they don’t know.

And now we also have video, so you could also use video. You could use YouTube and create a private channel that’s just for you and your family. And you could schedule the releases so that while you’re gone, you could release new episodes to your children about things you might want them to know. Right.

Scott DeLuzio: And I like that feature too. I actually use that, that the scheduling feature that you just talked about, I actually use that for this show when, uh, you know, we do, uh, we were recording an episode right now, it’s the 1st of July. This episode’s not going to come out until the 6th of uh, August. And so as we’re, we’re sitting here, we’re talking and I’m going to edit this episode after we’re done talking at some point, and then. So I don’t forget, I upload everything to where it needs to go. And I, I do the schedule and then let technology take over and post everything, you know, so that is a good feature too, [00:04:00] because, um, you know, especially when you are deployed, you may.

Only get a limited amount of downtime when, uh, you’re, you’re able to write a letter or, uh, record a video or whatever the case may be, whatever tool that you use to communicate with folks back home. You may only get a limited amount of time and, uh, you may want to sit down and just record everything for a week all at once, right?

And then, um, Let’s say you want to send something daily, uh, you know, once a day, every day for a week, uh, and you can record seven of those things and, and just schedule them out so that one goes out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, all the way throughout the, the end of the week. And that will save you a little bit of sanity, you know, when it’s like, Oh, shoot, I didn’t do that today.

Now I got to scramble and try to figure out how to fit it in, in my schedule. But [00:05:00] that just makes it a little bit easier, I think. So that’s kind of cool. Um, and. And, and we talked a little bit about, the technology side of things, you know, recording a video, um, a lot of times laptops and, uh, tablets and other devices that you might have just real easy to record a quick video of yourself.

Are any other technologies or tools or things like that, that might be available?

Nate Turner: If Google’s working, which it wasn’t for us earlier, but if Google’s working, you could also schedule emails. So you could do that too. You could write them and schedule the, the, um, the transmission of, of the email. You could, uh, communicate via some, like if you wanted to send balloons or something like that, you could send balloons.

You could schedule those. I mean, we live in a time where you can almost schedule. Anything and everything. So you can be at the front of your children’s mind, even though you could be, you know, thousands of miles away from

Scott DeLuzio: You know, it’s, it’s funny that you mentioned that because that’s, those things are things that I also use for this show. I [00:06:00] also schedule all the emails to like the guests I sent you an email a couple of days ago that had the outline that I had prepared for this, uh, episode, well, That was a, I, I did that shortly after you scheduled the interview, uh, wrote out all the questions and got everything ready to go and I didn’t want to forget to send it to you.

So I, I scheduled it, um, but I do that too, with like text messages. Um, when I, I travel sometimes for work and, uh, whenever I’m away from home, uh, I.

I send a text message to my, my kids. Um, and in the text message, everyone is, it’s just a joke, like a stupid dad joke, you know, that, that type of thing. But I schedule them so that every day that I’m gone, uh, they get a message from me and it’s, it’s got a joke and, uh, you know, it gets them laughing a little bit and, and it makes it a little bit easier, you know, um, and, and sometimes I’ll send something else.

Like if they have a, uh, you know, an event coming up or whatever, I’ll, I don’t want to. [00:07:00] Forget to send something. So I’m going to schedule it. And, uh, you know, so if the kid has a, uh, you know, a baseball tournament coming up or, uh, uh, you know, a recital or, uh, you know, some big event in their life and you unfortunately can’t be there for it.

Um, You know, make sure that that message gets there, you know, and, and scheduling it like that, um, whether it’s a text message or an email or, uh, whatever it is, uh, you know, video, uh, those types of things you can, you can schedule and make sure that they get there when they need to be there. Uh, and that, that’ll make, uh, things a little bit better for the, the kids.

I mean, I know it, nothing’s going to replace having, you know, mom or dad there with you, but it makes it a little bit easier. Doesn’t it?

Nate Turner: Yeah. And just let’s them, know that you’re, that they’re being thought of, which is, which is hugely important. I think all of us want to feel like we’re important and that we matter to someone. So when, when the people who, um, created you brought you into this world, find a [00:08:00] way, and you know that they’re doing something for the greater good to still think about you.

Um, that has to mean something.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, exactly. And, and, you know, maybe especially in, uh, older, uh, kids where, you know, maybe teenage where they can maybe wrap their head around, uh, you know, deployment and like what that means on the, uh, on a bigger scale, whereas maybe a, uh, so much for joining me today, and I’ll see you in the next one.

Doing something as, as big as defending the country and they still have time to remember you like that. That makes you feel good. You know, it makes you feel like, okay, well, um, you know, mom or dad or whoever it is, they still care. It’s like, yeah, I know they can’t be here, but they still care.

Nate Turner: Right. [00:09:00] Absolutely.

Scott DeLuzio: When. Uh, you have a deployed parent.

Um, I, unfortunately it happens. I mean, I was a parent too when I was deployed for, I mean, my, my son was just two months old or so when, when I, uh, left home. So he doesn’t remember the fact that I wasn’t there. Um,

Nate Turner: on you than on him.

Scott DeLuzio: was, it was tough on me, um, and tough on my wife too. Um, we were first time parents and, um, you know, going over, having me go overseas while she was pregnant and, and then, uh, or, or finding out that we’re, I was going overseas while she was pregnant and then, uh, going shortly after our, our son was born.

Um, it was, it was hard. Um, but, um, You know, you, you also, you also have to think like there’s a, a child there who has a stressed out parent maybe, and, and so that could be a, uh, an issue for, for the child too, no matter how young, uh, the child could be, [00:10:00] um, now how can deployed parents help their children avoid any, uh, Of these types of problems that come from a prolonged absence, let’s say, um, you know, and it, it may not be talking as, as young as, you know, infant, uh, stage, but, but there’s other, uh, issues that, that come across, uh, you know, a little bit older kids, uh, when, when their parents gone for an extended amount of time, how do we help them, uh, avoid these issues?

Nate Turner: So I’m, I’ve never, I’ve never served. Um, but I watched the movies about it. It’s so, so my guess is I’m seriously, my guess is that it’s like a mission. I would say it is a mission. Whether or not I’m a parent who’s here with a child, I have to know what it is that I want my outcome to be. I think parents have to decide what they want the outcome to be.

So yes, you’re going to have some challenges that a parent who’s present is not going to have, but you still have to decide what you want the outcome to be. And then I would say, and then [00:11:00] because we don’t raise or we shouldn’t raise children in a vacuum, that I believe it is true that it takes a village to raise a child, then the thing that we want to do is create a village.

And not a village of idiots, but a village of, a village of do gooders, a village who can actually help us while we’re away. Who can actually carry out the mission that we’ve decided we want for our children. Um, so I, I like to call the, the group, the village, the starting five. And I believe that parents, whether or not you are deployed or whether or not you are present, because we’re all so busy doing stuff and believing that there’s this thing called work life balance, that it would behoove us to have people who can help us to help our children.

So in the starting five, it’s like a basketball team. Uh, you have a point guard, you have a shooting guard, you have a small forward, you have a power forward, you have a center. I think every family should have that. In my son’s life, I think I’ve been, for the most part, I’ve been his point guard. It’s my job to point him in the right direction, guard all his hopes and dreams.

But we have to know what his hopes and dreams are, [00:12:00] and before he can tell you what his hopes and dreams are, be small, then his hopes and dreams have to come a little bit from what you hope and dream for him to do. And then you put the other people in place. A shooting guard, someone who was aspirational, would, shows up, is full of encouragement.

A small forward, someone who helps the child remember to dot all the I’s and cross all the T’s to make sure they cover all the small details. A power forward, somebody who’s really for us, because once we get tired of the child, when they do things we don’t like, we need someone to remind us, this is not about us, that we all have the power forward.

And then lastly, a center of influence, someone who knows People who can get the child involved or engaged in things that the child is really interested in. But I think if we could create that kind of unit, then the deployment may be easier.

Scott DeLuzio: And one of the things that I, I’ve noticed just with our kids, uh, growing up is, uh, there’s a lot of trial and error. Um, there’s no handbook that comes with a child that that tells you like, this is what you need to do. So there’s a lot of, you know, especially new parents, you’re, you’re kind of [00:13:00] figuring it out on the fly.

I mean, yeah, of course. Uh, there are people in, you know, in a lot of our lives that that can help. Guide us in the right direction. Maybe a parent or, uh, other people like that, that, that can help you, uh, with that, but ultimately as a parent, you have to make the decisions for yourself. You, you might have questions you can ask some people that can help out in that, that regard.

Um, but, but ultimately it’s up to you, uh, to, to figure these things out. But, um, but also. Another thing that is, know, you, you got to use a little bit of trial and error is figuring out the kids hopes and dreams and things that they want out of life. Um, you know, You might, uh, you know, have a, have a son or something.

You’d be like, you know what, this kid is, you know, you’re looking at a little baby, uh, you know, infant and you’re like, this kid is going to play in major league baseball, uh, when he gets older. And that’s, that’s my hope and dream. And that’s, that’s, that’s gonna be [00:14:00] my, my, uh, retirement ticket right there.

This is, is, uh, you know, athletic, athletic skills, but you may have them, you know, out there on the field playing t ball and little league and all those things. And you might absolutely hate it and, and he may be terrible at it too. And he just doesn’t want to do it. And so, okay. There’s, there’s. We tried it.

It didn’t work. There goes my hopes and dreams, you know, but, but you try something else and you find something that, that they are interested in and it can keep them busy too. Because I found with, with my kids, when they find something that they are interested in, they will. Pour their heart and soul into these things.

Um, and, and I’m not using this to say like, Oh, well this’ll just become a babysitter for them and they’ll, you know, you don’t have to worry about the kids. It helps to take their attention off of the other issues that might be going on in the world at the time, you know? And so, um, [00:15:00] uh, you know, parent being deployed, that’s a big issue in their life.

And so if they had something else to focus their attention on, now they’re not. Just solely focused on what’s going on with mom or dad as they’re deployed. And so that, that type of thing, I think you got to figure out what that is to get them stimulated and engaged in those types of things. Right.

Nate Turner: Agree, agree. Yep. Then you just create a plan to make sure that they are able to stay on track while you’re, while you’re away.

Scott DeLuzio: And, and also, uh, the, the plan should also include, um, you know, not being, um, uh, Overbearing on the parent who is staying behind, uh, with, with the kids because, uh, you know, I know like we have three, three children and, um, if we had to bring them to three different places all at the same time, that would be a nightmare for one parent to have to figure out.

So, so figuring it out, there’s going to be some balance, right? And so you got to figure out works for, [00:16:00] uh, the, the child, but also what works for the person who’s, who’s staying behind

Nate Turner: Yeah.

Scott DeLuzio: Um,

Nate Turner: Hence your village. And so then, right, if you have a village and other people are having similar issues, you all can be a support system for one another. So maybe you’re home and I’m deployed and you look out for my child. In the way that you know I would want, and when you’re gone, I step up and do the same thing, and somebody else, and so we develop a community of folks that, you know, So that the, that the children and the spouses that are behind never feel like they have to do everything about

Scott DeLuzio: Right. And I think, especially in military communities where they are, there’s military bases and you got a lot of military families living around those bases, um, I, I think the, the people there will be a little more understanding of, uh, Those types of issues that, that may be coming up with, um, with that and, and be more willing to lend a hand in those kinds of circumstances.

[00:17:00] Um, versus, uh, you know, maybe, uh, you know, someone who just travels a lot for work and, and it’s, you know, they live in, you know, someplace not even near a military base and it’s not a military job or anything. They just, Travel all over the world and they’re gone half the year, uh, for, uh, for work. Well, people are going to maybe be a little less understanding of all that, but, but the benefit of military community is you got that kind of built in.

Everyone kind of understands what a deployment is and what that means to a family. And so, so that’s, uh, you know, one benefit there. So like, I guess, to your point, don’t. Hesitate to get, get out there and meet these people and, uh, and make those connections and build that community of people that, that can be there to help and you can lean on those people when you need it.

Um, so you’re not carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Right?

Nate Turner: it. Yep, exactly.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. So, um, now balancing roles [00:18:00] here, like as parents and, uh. And service members as, as they’re, uh, being deployed and the balance kind of shifts in the household, right? Where, you know, maybe dad always did these types of things in the house and, and mom always did these things and then dad’s gone and now mom has to do everything.

And, you know, how, how do parents, uh, balance these things as, as, uh, uh, As trying to run the household, but also as trying to raise these kids.

Nate Turner: So I’m a, so I, I’m a, as I mentioned earlier, I’m a big believer or should I say a lack of believer in the idea that there’s this thing called balance. I don’t know that we, we ever have work life balance. I think balance is being imbalanced. Um, so I’d say when you’re. When you’re gone, um, if your family, so let me back up.

I think if a family has a, a mission statement, so our family has a mission [00:19:00] statement and our family has, has a vision state. And so whether or not I’m here or if I’m gone, my family still knows what the mission is for the family. Um, my, if, if my wife is around or not, we still know what the vision is for the family.

And so the ideal is, you know, whether or not I’m here or not, There’s a mission and a vision that we have to carry out and vice versa. So again, it’s not the same, but my wife is away from home or has historically been away from home a lot more now. She’s, she’s an educator. Um, so she has to, you know, there was every school events, et cetera.

Now she’s a Dean of a university. So she spent more time away from home than I did. The traditional family is that the mom’s at home and she cooks the meals, she takes the kids to school, she does the laundry, but that’s not the tradition in our home, so I had to do those things. Not that I had to do them, they have to be done, somebody’s got to do them.

Scott DeLuzio: Right.

Nate Turner: You step up to the plate and you do [00:20:00] them because the family has a bigger, a bigger mission. The mission is that our family is successful, that our family is functional, that our, our family shows that we care about each other. Our family supports other people’s successes and other people’s goals and objectives.

And if it means that one person this week has to do the dishes every day, Then that person has to do dishes every day. If somebody has to clean up the house and somebody else doesn’t seem to ever do it, well, the house has to be clean. So you just, you just do what needs to be done because you’re doing it for the benefit of something greater than yourself.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And, and I think a lot of service members can relate to that because, um, you know, you’re, you’re getting deployed and, and you have to do, uh, whatever it takes to accomplish a mission. And, uh, you know, if, if one. Part of the unit is, uh, is down for some reason. Maybe they, there’s injuries or their, their equipment’s down or something like that.

Well, okay. Well, someone else is going to have to pick up the slack. If you can’t just, Oh, well, [00:21:00] I guess we, guess we lose the war because, uh, you know, because you know, someone, you know, a few people got sick or something like that, I don’t know, like you got to figure it out and you got to go and do it. And fill in, uh, fill in the holes and, and do the work that needs to be done in order to accomplish the mission.

And in this case, um, you know, you, your family has a mission statement. I think maybe a lot of families, uh, out there. Maybe don’t have that type of thing, but maybe they should have some sort of mission statement so they can stay focused and be like, okay, this is, this is why we’re doing what we’re doing.

Um, you know, in the military, there’s a mission and every mission you, you plan and you, you Have a design for what is about to take place and you, everybody who’s out on that mission, they know what the end result is. They know what success looks like. Um, yeah, you may get there a different way than you planned.

Right. Um, but as long as you get there that you can [00:22:00] count that mission as a success. And so working with that in mind, okay, what does success look like in your family and Chances are something’s going to happen and something’s going to screw up your ideal vision of how we get there. And, and you, you need to work around that and you need to figure it out.

Even if that means one person needs to pick up a little more slack than they, they were Assigned in the initial plan, right? Um, you, you gotta just figure it out. Right. And so just because mom or dad is away, uh, on, on a deployment or training mission or something like that, well, okay, someone’s going to have to pick up the slack.

And that’s, um, that is, uh, the way that you accomplish the goal of whatever that mission is. Right.

Nate Turner: Yeah. And there’s a lesson that you’ll carry with you forever. So my father, as I mentioned, I think at one point my father served And he was in the Air Force. So did my grandfather and my uncles. [00:23:00] Um, but my father was very much the mission person. Like, okay, we’re buying this home and your job is to take care of everything outside.

That means cutting the grass, raking the leaves, shoveling the snow. That’s your job. And then when my, you know, when my mother would work longer, he’d say, I mean, the dishes are not washed, but that wasn’t my job, dad. No, no, no, no, no, no. You want the house, right? Right? So the mission means you got to come inside, now you got to wash the dishes too, right?

And then you got a little sister, and did you, did you feed her? Did she eat? No, but she like, okay man, that, she has to get, you just got to pick up the slack to your point. You just have to, but I understand that, right? I understand that as a child, that my father’s, the expectation in my household is that everybody has to do their job.

Their job, the house has to run a certain way and if somebody can’t do it, you got to step up. If you’re capable, you have to step up and do [00:24:00] it.

Scott DeLuzio: two dogs and, um, when we feed them twice a day, once in the morning, once around kind of dinner time, and we have a calendar on the box where we keep all their food and that calendar has a little, little thing every day, uh, morning and night, um, you know, throughout the month and you can, you can check off, did, did I, and you put your initials, that’s our, our.

Standard what we, we put in place. You put your initials if you, if you, uh, fed the dogs in the morning or in the, the evening. So that way we know it’s been done and, and that way. Um, but whenever someone walks by, they take a look. Oh, it’s, it’s dinner time. Okay, I take a look. Is it, is it checked off? No. Okay.

Well, I’m gonna feed them and you go grab the bowls and, and you put the food in and you, you give it all. Dog’s the food and you check it off with your initials and that way everybody knows. And so everybody is responsible for it and you got to take responsibility. Um, and you know, granted with [00:25:00] little kids, sometimes you have to remind them, Hey, you’re walking by that.

Did the, did the dogs get fed? And they take a look. Oh no, no. Okay. But they know I’ll go feed them, you know? Um, and so that’s just, you know, one example, but, um, but for sure. Yeah. Everything. Everything needs to get done. And you, you just have to kind of make that expectation that it may be you doing a disproportionate amount of the work.

Um, but. It’s for the greater good, for the household to keep running. Um, and you know, it won’t always be that way. It’ll balance itself out at some point, you know, maybe not a perfect balance, right? There’s no perfect balance like you were saying before, but, um, there may be another time when somebody else is picking up a little more slack than you are.

And you know, it, it all works out in the end. And so, um, so I think that’s a good way to, to think of it. And, and hopefully some, some folks can. Uh, learn something from that and, [00:26:00] and kind of managing their, their household. Um, you know, whether someone’s deployed or not, I think it’s still a good way to look at it.

Um, now. Uh, before we were recording, I was kind of doing a little bit of research and looking things up. Um, and, and I found, uh, your life template, uh, kind of a backwards, uh, design process and, and how can I help, uh, parents raise successful and, and well rounded children.

Nate Turner: So Scott, so as I mentioned, my son is 29 now. He holds a PhD from Carnegie Mellon in Electrical and Computer Engineering, um, a bachelor’s degree in Computer Engineering, Electrical Engineering, and Computer Science from Santa Clara University. And he’s currently a second year MBA student at NYU. I just say all that to say, at no point in time have I ever had an educator ask me what my hopes and dreams were for my child.

So that’s what the Life Template does. The Life Template sets up the place for parents to know what they want for their own child’s life. Because it [00:27:00] is likely that other people won’t ask you what you want for your children. They’ll make some assumptions. And in this country, we do a great deal of outsourcing.

So we, we drop our kids off at school or the daycare, and we assume that they are, they, they want the same things for our children without necessarily having had that conversation. So the life template has three, three major things. One is that. We raise children who are intellectually ambitious, which is very different from being a great student, having great test scores or great GPA.

I’m interested in him having those things without question, but I wanted him also to be able to think critically and most notably learn how to think using the Socratic method. So that’s element one. The second part was that I wanted to make sure that he was raised to be globally and culturally competent.

The world is bigger, but it’s also smaller. And so I wanted him to be able to understand other people’s perspectives and be able to speak other languages because I think there is some value when you go somewhere and you can speak in the tongue [00:28:00] of the people of who, where you’re visiting, as opposed to always asking people to speak English.

And then lastly, I wanted him to be, to, to be a child who cared for something greater than himself. So the last element is humanitarian drive. And so those are the three elements about how we wanted. to raise a child. It has nothing to do with what he chooses to do as a profession. Um, it just had to do with the kind of person, a person who can think on his own two feet, a person who, who understands that he’s a world citizen and that he’s responsible for something other than himself.

And that, that’s essentially the life tip.

Scott DeLuzio: And that’s a good way to think about it, I think too, because when you first started talking about it, uh, it sounded to me like you were, you were planning, you know, what degree was he going to get in what a job was he going to have and, and how do we get them set up to, to succeed and, you know, become a doctor or a lawyer, you know, whatever the, the goal was that for that, but then as you’re talking to [00:29:00] kind of clarified it a little bit more and that’s not what it was at all.

Um, and. Yeah. And it, uh, but it does help to make. Sure. That the kids are, um, the type of person that you can look at them and be like, you know, I’m, I’m proud to call that person, my, my son or my daughter. Um, you know, because they grew up to be, uh, you know, well educated, uh, well rounded, uh, you know, they, they’re, they can think for themselves.

They, they can, uh, You know, be polite, you know, they have good manners with the people that they interact with. Um, they, you were mentioning learning this, uh, different languages so that they can interact with people. Um, you know, if they were to travel to another country, they can interact with people, uh, in that country in their language.

Um, you know, maybe not perfectly fluently. Maybe they are, uh, that would be great, but, um, but at least, uh, I know when I, I see somebody who’s. [00:30:00] Speaking to me in English here in America. Um, and I know that not from, uh, America, uh, it’s like, okay, well, this person’s giving it a shot, you know, their best shot.

And, and it makes it a lot easier than me trying to figure out, uh, you know, Chinese or, you know, Russian or some other language that I just don’t know. Um, you know, it makes life a lot easier. I, maybe it’s not. Perfect, but I can figure that out a heck of a lot easier than I can some other language that I’ve never, uh, never learned, you know?

Um, and so it’s the same thing for anyone else, uh, you know, where, where they live. And so, um, you know, if you’re going to their country, um, why not learn, uh, at least some key phrases? Um, you know, at a minimum, whenever I travel, uh, to places, I like to learn, uh, how to say. Basic things. Thank you. And, you know, stuff like that to the people in their language because, uh, you know, I am appreciative of them and I want to Express it in a way that I know that they’re going to understand.

Um, [00:31:00] and so that, that type of thing, you know, um, but doing that for your children, especially kind of at a young age, um, I like, I like the idea of kind of the backward design approach. Uh, to where you think about, okay, what is it that I want and how do I get them there? Uh, and we do that a lot of times in the military too, where we, uh, do some backwards planning where we know, okay, we need to, uh, be at a certain place at a certain time.

Uh, let’s, okay, let’s work backwards. What do we need to do? Okay. We need to travel there. Okay. How long does that take? And that, that’s a certain amount of time. Okay. So we subtract that from whatever the arrival time is. Um, and we have time that we need to, you know, plan. Pack things. And we need to do all the other things that we need to do before we get, get moving.

Um, and let’s, let’s back our way back to, okay, what time do we need to get started doing all of this stuff? And that allows us to get there on time. Um, and. Uh, maybe has fueled some anxiety in veterans, [00:32:00] uh, down the road afterwards, because it’s always like, we need to be on time. If we’re not 15 minutes early, we’re late, you know, that type of thing.

But, um, but you know, we, I think we’re familiar with that. And so using this kind of life template, uh, like you described it is, uh, is a good way to make sure that the kids are on the right track and, um, you know, sometimes a deployment will, um, You know, kind of mess things up a little bit, but as long as you stick to that plan, uh, you know, the, the, the community, the group of people can kind of stick to that plan, uh, and, and help get the kids to be where they need to be.

Um, you know, they’ll, they’ll be okay. I think that’s a good way to look at it.

Nate Turner: Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, if I could just add one more thing. So there’s a second element to it, which is there, it’s full of threes. So the next set of threes is that, um, which follows the actual backward design for education, which is, uh, there’s a [00:33:00] element of familiarity. There’s, um, there’s mastery and then there’s core.

So what I like to say to families is there are things I think it’s great for children in some respect to be jacks of all trade. I think the most remarkable children that I ever meet are children who could talk to you about just about anything. I’m like, wow, how old, Scott, how old are your children? How do they know this stuff?

And so like, what does that mean? I mean, it’s like making sure, giving children essentially what I call like the buffet of life. Give them an opportunity to, to be at the buffet table and experience everything at the table. And they can decide later on to, to your point earlier, Hey, maybe I can put them in T ball, MIT ball.

Maybe I’ll put them in soccer. They don’t like soccer. Maybe I give them some piano lessons. Maybe So, there’s a lot of different terms that you can use that differentiate these different genres. But if I’m just going to rather get my essays done, then there’s a lot of possibilities out there. There’s a lot of different ways that you can find a job that exists within [00:34:00] a certain area of the city.

Behavior, um, respect, reading, writing, math, and science. There are some things that we have to master in, to be successful in the society we live in. And then lastly, I would say, there’s, to me, the most important part, which is the core. I hate to think about it this way, but I would, but I do think, if my child, were to depart from this earth, what would I want people to say about my son?

Who, who more importantly, would I want to say people to say that he was? And then that to me is at the heart of everything we do. How do I make sure my son’s life becomes who he’d want to be when his time on this planet is over?

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, and we all have, unfortunately, we do all have expiration dates and we don’t know what that date is, but, um, but yeah, living up to a, um, I guess, [00:35:00] uh, how do you put it? Living up to a, uh, uh, uh, type of person that, um, you know, People can look back at it and say, you know, that was a good person. Um, they, they lit up the room when they walked in and they made everyone laugh and smile and they, they always had a, you know, maybe a witty comment or they had some, you know, something about them that, um, you know, would, uh, just be.

A good thing to remember them by. Um, you know, and, and not this person was a jerk and this person was, uh, you know, an absolute nightmare when, when they were around. And like, that’s not the type of person you want to have. So, um, you know, but someone who always had something interesting to say and, uh, you know, could engage in a lively conversation.

And, and like you said, even at a young age, you want to, uh, introduce people. These kids too. Uh, I love the way you said that the buffet of life, where, where you can see all the different things that are in front of them. And, uh, maybe they don’t have [00:36:00] mastery of it. Everything that they’ve been exposed to who does, right?

I know I don’t, I’m for sure not. Um, but you can make them familiar with a lot of different things. And that way, when those things come up in a conversation, they can have a conversation about it. And like you said, even, even if they have conversations with adults who are like, Wow. This person, this young person knows about all these, uh, different topics.

Like what an interesting person. Like that’s, that goes to that core. Like this is a, this is an interesting person to be around. I want to be around more people like this who have something interesting to talk about, uh, in, in these, these types of situations. So, um, so I guess kind of bringing all of this back now to, uh, You know, parents, they get deployed, they go on training missions, they’re away for periods of time using that core group of people, that community that [00:37:00] can help in these situations and kind of help carry the load when they’re deployed.

When need be. Um, that’s another thing in the military that we are familiar with. I mean, every, who’s ever, uh, been in a machine gunner, uh, position or assistant machine gunner position who had to carry lots of ammunition or a heavy machine gun over, you know, Rough terrain, they know that every once in a while you might have to switch off and you’re not going to be able to, you know, make it a hundred percent of the time, uh, carrying that heavy load for long, long distances.

You might have to swap it off. And so, um, are people out there who you can. I don’t want to say swap off, like you’re going to hand your kids over and here you take care of them. Right. But, but there’s going to be people there who can help you out when, uh, you know, you got three kids at practice all at the same time and gosh, how am I going to be in three places at once?

Well, you’re not going to be, [00:38:00] but you can, you can ask the neighbor who can, you know, maybe pick them up or, you know, that type of thing. Um, you know, to, to kind of help balance it out in that way when they’re in need, you They know they can count on you to, to come and help them out as well. So, um, you know, bringing all this together, it’s like, there’s so much that can be done.

It’s just, I think sometimes as parents, we need to get out of our own way and get out of our own head in the, the daily routine of life because we, um, we just get so Stuck in the minutia of what’s going on. Uh, if you look at the bigger picture, have that mission statement for your family, um, and, and say, okay, what do I need to do to accomplish that mission?

Um, some of the other stuff may not even matter. You know, you want to make sure your, your kids are, are clothed and fed and, uh, you know, they’re, they’re educated and that they are, they’re growing up to be good people. Like those are the things that matter. Um, [00:39:00] a lot of times the other stuff that we worry about, it doesn’t matter.

And. And as long as you’re focusing on the things that do matter, I think that your kids and your family overall will be better off. And, and that’s, I think what, what we need to kind of focus on, right?

Nate Turner: Yeah. And if the families can communicate to the children early on what matters, then the children will understand that and be able to carry it out. Aristotle famously said, bring me a child at seven, I’ll show you the man. I mean, today you can’t probably say the man. You’d have to say, I’ll show you the person or the adult.

But, but, but, um, change society aside, I think that there’s there and child psychologists would say that there’s some truth to that, that most of what we become happens between zero and seven. And if that is the case, then we’re raising children who understand that there’s a bigger goal, objective. We’re not the most important thing on the planet, but we’re no less important than anybody else.

Um, that we’re supposed to exist to serve the greater good, that [00:40:00] we should, we, we treat people the way we want people to treat us. I believe in this thing called the mutable law of reciprocity, that if Scott gives to me, then I have to give to Scott. I have to give to Scott equal. Or greater value than Scott gave to me.

And so if we’re both doing that, then the planet is going to be greatly improved. But yeah, I think we, if we teach children, those kinds of things early on. Um, it makes things a lot easier moving forward.

Scott DeLuzio: Absolutely. Um, and, and it’s easier to teach that at a young age than it is at an older age when those things maybe didn’t get, uh, you know, the seed didn’t get planted in their brain and, and they, uh, they now formulated different. Ideas of how the world should be and maybe they aren’t the greatest and you know, so yeah, definitely helping guide them in the right direction.

I’m not saying, you know, be manipulative and influence them in the wrong ways, but, um, you know, influencing them to be a good [00:41:00] person and they’ll figure it out on their own. But, you know, giving that, that type of example that you just gave, um, will help make them, uh, they’ll make their own version of that and, and they’ll Be better off for it, I think.

Nate Turner: Yeah, if you, if you’re associating with those kind of people, Scott’s a part of my life, and Scott’s wife is a part of my life, and other people are a part of my life, then the children see that. I, Scott, I’m a, I’m a huge Lion King fan, and Lion King is the reason that I’m a father. Um, but when I, if you ever go back and watch the movie, you’ll see, uh, Rafiki holding up Simba above the village. say to the village, essentially, hey, here’s a guy we’re all responsible for because one day this guy is also going to be responsible for us. And there’s no particular person that is better suited for him. There’s a monkey, there’s a bird. It’s not just the lions, [00:42:00] it’s everybody that’s part of the village.

And we help to remind him of what his goals and objectives are, even when his father, the mission per se, when his father isn’t there, when he loses his way. He remembers who he is because that’s what’s poured into him as a child. I think that that, for me, sort of, uh, describes what I hope would happen.

What I hope would happen in my own child’s life and what I would recommend for anyone. You can’t do it by yourself, but have a village.

Scott DeLuzio: sure. Yeah. And it’s a good way to think about it too. I never really thought of it, um, as, you know, kind of why in the, the, the movie, why, uh, Simba was being held up that way, uh, but, um, Yeah, the better they take care of him, you know, and he was just a cub at that point, uh, the better they take care of him, the better values that get instilled in him, the better, uh, they, they treat him, uh, the better he’ll treat them when he’s older and he becomes the king and he, He’s kind of in charge of, of the whole, uh, you know, [00:43:00] area.

And so, yeah, that, that is, uh, kind of an interesting way to think about it. I never really thought of it that,

Nate Turner: He eventually has to come back and do the very thing that he was prepared to do, that he didn’t realize he was prepared to do. His job was to come back and take care of the village that was falling apart. He came back to Pride Land. So, yeah, that’s the way I think about, like, I role as parents.

Scott DeLuzio: that’s pretty cool as a, as a cool way to think about it. So, um, before we wrap up, uh, Where can listeners go to find out more information about, uh, kind of what you do? Uh, any resources and, uh, things like that, that you might have available? Uh, where can people go to check that out?

Nate Turner: Sure, I have a website, um, nathaniel a turner.com. N-A-T-H-A-N-I-E-L-A-T-U-R-N-E r.com. Um, so you can go there. Then we have some free resources right now. Uh, some things around, um, summer learning, uh, how to avoid summer learning loss. Um, there’s, we have a couple white papers and some things that parents should know about preparing [00:44:00] kids for, for college or and beyond.

But yeah, that’s, you can go there. I think we have a, have an online course for parents. Um, so yeah, we’re trying to build more stuff, uh, there. We’ve written, I think we have six books. The books are listed on the, on the site as well.

Scott DeLuzio: Excellent. And I’ll have a link to that in the show notes as well for the listeners, so you can check that out. Uh, just grab, go to the show notes, click the link and you can grab, uh, all the stuff there that, that Nate was talking about. Um. Again, before we wrap up, I, at this point in the show, I’d like to add a little bit of humor.

Um, sometimes conversations that we have on the show could be a little, uh, tough, a little difficult, and I love adding some humor. Hopefully it puts a smile on somebody’s face, uh, whether they’re laughing at the joke I tell, or they’re laughing at me. I don’t really care as long as there’s a smile on their face.

Um, uh, Just real quick here. Hopefully I can get this joke out. Um, I got this joke book, [00:45:00] Dad Jokes. Uh, my kids got four, uh, Father’s Day. So extra punny, um, and a lot of eye rolling, uh, jokes in this book. So, um, so here we go. An old man walked out of his house. An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was a lot of difficult work and his only son was in prison.

And the old man described the predicament in a letter to his son. And he says, dear son, it looks like there will be no tomatoes this year. I’m just too old to be digging. I wish you were here to dig it for me. Love, dad. And a week later he received a response. Dear dad, sorry, I’m not there to help, but whatever you do, don’t dig up that garden.

That’s where I buried the bodies. Soon after the FBI agents arrived and dug up the entire area, but they couldn’t find any bodies. And they apologized for the inconvenience to the old man. And then they left. And the next day, the old man received another letter. Dear dad, go ahead and plant the tomatoes.

Now that’s the best I could do [00:46:00] under the circumstances.

Nate Turner: I got it. See, I laughed twice. You got two laughs.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, there you go. There you go. All right. Um, so anyways, thank you again for taking the time to come on, um, on the show and sharing this. Uh, hopefully this is helpful for some folks who are, uh, you know, facing deployments, um, whether they’re upcoming, they might be in the midst of a deployment or, uh, you know, even training exercises where, where folks will be out of town, uh, for an extended period of time, hopefully this helps make things a little bit easier.

And, um, makes, makes it so that they can keep on their family’s mission and not, uh, lose sight of what it is that is actually important. So thank you again.

Nate Turner: Well, thank you. It’s been my pleasure.

Scott DeLuzio: Thanks for listening to the Drive On Podcast. If you want to support the show, please check out Scott’s [00:47:00] book, Surviving Son on Amazon. All of the sales from that book go directly back into this podcast and work to help veterans in need. You can also follow the Drive On Podcast on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts.