Episode 428 Aaron Gray Finding Strength in Adversity Transcript

This transcript is from episode 428 with guest Aaron Gray.

Scott DeLuzio: [00:00:00] Thanks for tuning in to the Drive On Podcast where we are focused on giving hope and strength to the entire military community. Whether you’re a veteran, active duty, guard, reserve, or a family member, this podcast will share inspirational stories and resources that are useful to you. I’m your host, Scott DeLuzio, and now let’s get on with the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to drive on. I’m your host Scott DeLuzio. And today my guest is Aaron Gray, who is a podcaster, a mindset mentor and expert in personal development. Uh. We’re going to dive into his experiences and his approach into overcoming obstacles, specifically focusing on the importance of mindset and personal growth.

So before we get into that, Aaron, uh, welcome to the show. Really glad to have you here.

Aaron Gray: Yeah, Scott, I’m really glad to be here, man.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. Um, uh, let’s start with your background. Kind of [00:01:00] what got you into, um, you know, doing what you’re doing now, helping others, developing a positive, resilient mindset and, uh, you know, all, all the work that you’re doing now.

Aaron Gray: Uh, yeah, man. So, uh, thanks for asking. And again, thanks for having me on. Uh, so how this all got started was it started out with trauma and I lost a child. It’s coming up on 12 years now, lost him, um, to a heat stroke. Uh, it was an accident. He was, he was left in the car. And so it, it was one of those things, you know, you go to work, everything’s normal and you get a call.

I think it was about two, two o’clock in the afternoon and everything’s not normal anymore for the rest of your life. And so fast forward seven years, kind of went through the, my divorce with my ex wife. She was involved in the accident, but we stuck together seven years. So seven years out, we could go through a divorce and I had done a lot of shoulder up work.

And what I mean when I say that is I, you know, I’d sat on a couch probably 150 hours [00:02:00] of talk therapy. I’d done EMDR. I did TMS, which TMS, I don’t know if you’re familiar, and I don’t know, it takes trans magnetic. Crane. Anyway, it’s a, it’s a thing where they have a magnetic stimulation where they’re tapping on a specific spot in our brain.

It stimulates, uh, I think neuroplasticity makes some connections that have been broken, uh, reconnect. And so I went through that. And uh, they had me medicated. I was, I was on a lot of Clotapin, uh, for the anxiety. And I quit that after about five years and that was, that was probably my first big eye opening thing.

I would kind of came out from underneath that cloud and, um, then at seven years, went through the divorce, and I, I was, I was. Still feeling well, you know, I’m sure we’ll get to it moving forward, but I was still feeling stuck. I didn’t feel good. I wasn’t happy. I felt like anxiety and depression and unhappy.

We’re just kind of, so everyone have to live life because, [00:03:00] you know, I tell my story. It’s a sad story. It sucks. Everybody can think, man, God, I see how you couldn’t get over that. So I had that affirmation. Um, I mean, I was, people would say, you know, they understood, and so that was just telling me this is how I’m supposed to be, right?

And um, anybody who kind of bucked that, um, I was, I would quickly point out how they, they didn’t know. Oh, is that what you did when your kid died? Knowing they didn’t lose a kid. And um, so. You know, so I would rebuff that and move fast forward at seven years past after his passing and I really began to, I began exercising.

So I started just walking because I wasn’t in any kind of shape. So I just started walking and um, you know, with the stress, I had some stress, weight loss too, but I lost about, 40 pounds. I’m, and it, you know, walking and eating right, really watching what I was eating. Um, I quit [00:04:00] drinking when Joel passed away.

So it’s, it’s been 12, you know, it’s been, uh, it was 11. So it’s 11 and a half years since I quit drinking and there’s just so much going on. There’s court cases going on and all this stuff. So I, I quit drinking then. And, you know, like I said, I quit the Kuladapan. I got to exercise and now my diet’s good.

So I’m getting processed food out. And what I learned I was doing was I was going through a holistic wellness process, and this is now documented, therapists are now, it’s not all of them having adopted it, but a lot of them are beginning to adopt it, and it’s not just working on the shoulders up, it’s getting the whole body involved in the healing process.

So since then, I’ve learned a lot about that. I’ve added things like meditation and breath work and spirituality and, and all these things. And in doing that, I knew, I knew as soon as he died, I wanted to help other people. I thought it was to stop heat stroke deaths from happening. And we did a lot of outreach there early on.

I was [00:05:00] such a mess. I don’t know how well I did, but I did a lot of outreach trying to at least make you aware. I had never even heard of it. You know, I thought only women that did this had gone to the bar or had intentionally done it. I didn’t know that it happened accidentally. And so it does. And it happens about 40 times a year, still does.

Now our cars have warning signs in them when the heat is a certain thing. I know in the overpasses, they have things on them. You didn’t have any of that before Joel passed away. So I’m not taking credit for it, but a lot has changed and I’m appreciative of that. So I got into helping men and I really want to focus on helping people men specifically because it helps me.

I feel better when I’m able to help somebody else. And I think it gives Joel’s little life purpose. It gives it more meaning. You know, it was only five months old. He was a perfectly healthy baby. Like I said, you know, he was, he was a good kid, but it’s only five months. So it’s not like we had all these great experiences together or great conversations or anything like that, you [00:06:00] know, so it’s, there’s that.

And so it gives me. It gives his little life some purpose and some meaning. And I don’t just do it for that, but it’s a win win for everybody, I guess is the way I’d say it.

Scott DeLuzio: Sure. And you used a word in your, uh, your kind of background story there, uh, the word that you used was normal. Um, and to me, normal is a strange word because normal changes. Uh, I think people get the idea that normal is, uh, A constant, like it’s just unwavering. It’s normal. Right. But so after my brother, uh, was, was killed, um, people started telling me, you have to, you have to figure out what the new normal is.

And I was like, what the hell are you talking about? New normal, you know, uh, like normal is normal. Like this is an abnormal situation, but okay. Now there’s a new set of circumstances. Now, now I have to figure out what normal is like without my [00:07:00] brother in my life. You know, and, and what Is changing and how are relationships different?

How are, you know, think different things in life? How, how do they change, um, because of this? And yeah, normal is like an evolving creature. Like everything changes when you, You’re talking about normal, uh, especially in the face of trauma in a traumatic situation like what you went through. And I would not be one to say, I, you know, I know what you’re going through or anything like that, but, but it, uh, you know, trauma, traumatic situation, uh, will change things in your life and you know, you, you know, any hopes and dreams and goals or aspirations for the future, they’re different.

Now, uh, they, they can be different. They can’t be the same as they were before that trauma, right? Um, and so I think a lot of people go through that and they’re, they might be trying to put a round peg through a [00:08:00] square hole or, or whatever, because They just want that, that normal that they, um, that they experienced before.

They want that to continue, but it can’t continue. And sometimes you have to figure out how to let that go, right?

Aaron Gray: Very much so. And in, in, I’ll just go off me specifically. New normal is something obviously I totally heard as well. You know, you’ve got a new normal, um, to, to go off me. I had, I was trying to, and it was a, it was a, Mindset shift. And that’s, that’s kind of where I get the idea of a mind to that mentor and that I need to help others see this shift, but there’s a shift of, I’m not going to live like that.

I don’t want to live like this. I’m unhappy. This sucks. This new normal sucks. I don’t want it to be like this. And, you know, I, I had the worry [00:09:00] or guilt. Or fear of guilt, you know, you move forward, well Joel can’t move forward, right? Or your brother, he can’t move forward anymore. So I feel guilty moving forward because I don’t wanna leave anybody behind.

And the truth is, is our, everything changes. Not just our mindset, but chemically we change. And we get, you know, we get into the reptilian brain where it’s just fight or flight. Or freeze all the time. Then now we’re not making good decisions because we can’t reason properly. Our memory sucks. Like all these things are occurring.

And when we’re in the moment. It just feels like the world’s falling around and it’s just proving more and more that I’m supposed to feel shitty and I’m not supposed to be happy, you know, and I, you said you didn’t, I think you said it appropriately that the, that our dreams and goals change. And I think what gets lost is [00:10:00] that we can’t, we can no longer dream and we can no longer really have lofty goals because we’ve suffered something traumatic.

And I’m not, you know, you go through phases. Um, I’m definitely in a, where I need to be on this and there is no comparing trauma. A lot of bad shit happens to a lot of people and it just sucks and mine is mine and yours is yours and and we just have to kind of do the best we can with those and I’ve learned to be appreciative of that and you know you were very careful to say uh, you know, I know what you’re going through, you know, not to say I know what you’re going through, because you know, right?

You, you know, like you don’t know what I’m going through and I don’t know what you went through with your brother and, and guys who have been to war. I, I don’t know, but I know that I’ve been through something really hard and, and then I was able to shift. And so that’s kind of where my subject matter expertise comes from.

So anyway, all the way back, me moving forward came also with some guilt. I can only imagine that. Imagine that veterans, [00:11:00] you with your brother, you know, you’re leaving behind, you feel like you’re leaving something behind, but you’re not. This person is past, they’ve moved wherever your belief system is, they’ve moved to that stage.

And so, we don’t need to have guilt and we can still have purpose driven by those that we’ve lost.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, for sure. Um, you, you definitely, uh, can use that as, as fuel, uh, almost like in your case, you know, you’re out here using this now to, Uh, help other people because other people have gone through something similar. And while you don’t know the exact circumstances, they’re, they’re similar enough that you can.

Help them with their mindset, with the shoulders up. Right. And, and there’s other things too, I’m sure that you, you do. But, uh, I, sometimes I think if you don’t have the [00:12:00] shoulders up, your mindset, uh, in a good place, the rest of it, I don’t know, How successful you’re going to be with that, um, because there’s a lot of just bad attitudes and, and things like that, which will prevent you from, from doing other things.

So what are some of the things that, that you’ve seen with other people, um, you know, maybe struggling with as far as maybe it’s a mindset, maybe it’s something like that, but, but basically navigating through all of the, uh, the struggles that they, they might be going through.

Aaron Gray: Sure, it’s a great question and, and, you know, to your point, uh, it’s hard. You know, recovering from something traumatic is hard when you’re in some of the things that I’ll see or hear commonly. And I think that people will appreciate when they hear feelings of being stuck, feelings of being overwhelmed, feelings of this is [00:13:00] just my lot in life.

I’m not I’m not supposed to go any further. I’ve been through too much shit. I’m not supposed to be happy or, and all these types of things. And that is all mindset. And it’s so hard to dig out from underneath that, especially when you’re underneath it, looking back in it, it’s like, you know, well, it wasn’t, it was hard.

Like it was really hard. And I now put it. That life is going to be hard. It’s hard being in that position too. It’s hard feeling stuck and overwhelmed and blah, blah, blah. It’s hard feeling like you’re going to be miserable the rest of your life, being suicidal. All these things are hard, man. And it, what’s cool though, is on the other side of this hard, where you work, you, you know, change your mindset and get your why really stable.

And you really work on these things, shifting perspective and working on your mental and physical and spiritual growth. Uh, When it gets hard, you can say, yeah, but at least it ain’t that. And, um, so to get, [00:14:00] to get guys going, you know, when they do feel stuck or, uh, overwhelmed and it’s, you know, no hope. And I talk, I talk to a lot of guys and, and there is a lot of sad, bad things that have happened to, to some good people.

And, um, you know, it sucks, but what I say is, Uh, to these, to these individuals is you’ve just got you first, you’ve got to reach the point where you’re ready. And because like you said, it’s going to, there’s too many challenges, too many hurdles to, and you’re going to get there and be like, what the hell am I doing?

Why am I putting myself through this? Why am I exercising like this? Why am I eating food that I’m not really happy eating? Why am I not hanging out with my buddies, drinking beer? You know, why these whys are going to come up. And if there’s not a, uh, Real solid answer because I want to be a better husband or a better son or a better brother or better employee or owner, whatever it is that you’ve chosen for your why, then you’re, you’re going to peter out and you’re going to give up [00:15:00] because I spent, you know, and I, I feel like you can get to a place where, you know, you think you got it licked and you don’t, and you find yourself at, Whoa, crap.

How’d I get back here so fast? And so what I say to an individual who’s stuck and they’re like, I just can’t do is just start walking, man. Just start walking. Try to get out in nature if you can, because it’s healing. Whether you’re even paying attention to, and I’m sure we’ll get into it here a bit, but paying attention to the specifics in the mindset that you’re going to use while out in nature before you even get there.

There is healing that occurs when we just get out in nature and just leave the world. The Bullshit Behind. You know, leave the phone in the car if you can, uh, or at least leave it in your pocket while you’re walking and just appreciate all the amazing things that are happening around you with the trees and the animals and what’s going on underneath your feet and it, because it truly is, uh, amazing what we’re part of here just on earth and, you know, not going any further than that.

[00:16:00] Just here on earth, what we’re part of is pretty amazing and being grateful helps kind Turn that tide a little bit as well. So the walking and the nature. So walking is an easy one. And then changing your diet, just getting processed foods out of it. You know, they are poisonous to us and I’m not, you know, I’m not trying to get into a big debate with it, because I’m not a dietician, but I know they’re poisonous and they wreck our mental health.

And, you know, we find ourselves behind an eight ball and, and we don’t, we’re just eating food, you know, we’re trying to save some money. I’m buying frozen this or frozen that. I’m trying to save some money. In reality, you’re poisoning yourself and you’re setting yourself back further and you don’t even know it.

And so, yeah, so a good diet, if you can get a good diet, paying attention to the diet, just the focus, the mental control that’s going to come with that. Um, it’s going to be a win, then you’re not putting the poison in your body. So that’s a win. And then the walking is going to start an exercise. It’s going to start some willpower getting [00:17:00] created.

And it’s something we can really force ourselves to do basically with our eyes closed. So those two things are what I would say are it to get somebody off of a depressed couch or out of a bed that they can’t seem to get out of.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. I mean, something as simple as walking, um, for, for folks who’ve never been in this kind of scenario where they’re in that depressed state where they, they’re having a tough time, even just getting out of bed, going for a walk to most people would be like, okay, well just, you know, put your shoes on, go out and do it.

Right. Like what’s the big deal. But for somebody who’s, who’s struggling, it is a big deal. And, um, You know, that’s why you’re not suggesting, you know, go get a personal trainer and get a gym membership and go do, you know, all these other, you know, okay, maybe down the road, that might be a thing that you, you do.

Uh, but for right now, like just get outside and go for a walk. And that, like you [00:18:00] said, builds that, uh, the, the willpower and the, the, the mental, uh, strength to Get out of bed and put some clothes on, put your shoes on, go out and just experience nature, you know, get, get a breath of literally a breath of fresh air.

Um, yeah, some sunshine on your face and, um, you know, you hear the leaves rustling in the trees and the animals kind of running around and, and, and whatever. And if you live in a city, uh, and, and, you know, getting out into the, you know, You know, hiking out in the woods or something like that might not be a thing.

That’s, that’s easy for you to do. Go, go walk down the street. You know, that’s, you know, next best thing, or, or, you know, if there’s a park nearby, walk around the park, you know, something like that. Um, you know, do, do, do things like that. Just get out and enjoy, uh, the scenery that your neighborhood has to offer.

Um, you know, I think that’s, that’s a great. Piece [00:19:00] of advice there. Um, so we got these people, you know, kind of in a negative defeated mindset. Um, we want to get them to a more positive, proactive one. Um, first steps, obviously, you know, getting out, uh, go for a walk, uh, change your, your diet, you know, eliminate those processed foods from your diet.

Um, they’re, what’s the next step there? Like, what, what are we trying to do to kind of shift from that, that kind of mindset?

Aaron Gray: Sure. And it’s all up. It’s, it’s all going to build upon itself. So we’re, we’re just going to, you know, we’ve got to crawl for, we walk, we’ve got to walk for, we run. And that’s why we, we start out walking and you’re, you know, you’re exactly right. And the individual who crawled out of bed and put their shoes on and got out there and walk, they need to be damn proud of themselves when they get home.

And they’re going to take a nice hot shower when they get home. And that’s another step, you know, that’s something else. And so all this is going to build on itself. So, so we’ve started, you know, we’ve started, okay, cool. I’m going to start doing this. I feel, I can see that there could be [00:20:00] some positive things that could occur.

I’ve got a good why I’m strong on that. So now focus on. Perspective and a good way to do this. So there’s going to be emotional identification, there’s going to be perspective, you know, gratitude, uh, staying present, things like this. And so there’s going to be tools that go with each one of these. You’re going to, for perspective, we can, we can find ourselves, um, You know, thinking that we’re doing a good job, but when we really start paying attention to this, if you’re focusing on the negative, that’s where all your attention is going to go, that’s where your energy is going to go, and therefore that’s what’s going to continue to happen.

We need to get shifted over to focusing on the positive things that are occurring, even when it seems like a bad thing. Bad situation. And I’ll use my, my, uh, personal experience as an example. My son is gone and he, um, if, if [00:21:00] we can figure out time travel and I can get back, we can revisit this, but as things sit right now, I cannot get him back.

And I am thankful for all that I have been able to learn and for the people that I’ve been able to help and can continue to help as a result of his death. So I now see his death in a more positive light. Now you can’t get any worse than losing a child. And we know that. And so to be able to look at that, that’s the type of extreme.

Now it took a long time to get to that perspective shift. So an individual who’s just now starting to, to crawl, if you will, and they want to start standing up to walk, well, how do I do that? Well, every time you feel yourself looking at a situation, circumstance, scenario in a negative way. Stop. How can I find the positive in this?

And sometimes it’s learning a lesson. And I just, I learned a lot. I learned what not to do, you know, what not to say. I made [00:22:00] somebody feel bad. I don’t like making people feel bad. So I’m not going to say those words to other people again, because it makes people feel bad. I understood that. And this reflection and accountability is, is another piece of the pie.

And doing this is a, is a practice that will help you train yourself to start seeing things. In a positive light instead of negative. And when we do this, it opens up a whole new world where we can find answers. that we have that we would not have seen otherwise because we’re focusing on the wrong thing.

And I won’t go all, you know, all the way into the reticular activating system, you know, that filters things out for us. But our brain filters a lot of information out because it thinks it needs to go back to hunter gatherer, so much for joining us today, and we’ll [00:23:00] see you in the next one. That filters out what we are actually seeing and not seeing, what we’re experiencing and consciously taking in.

So we’re filtering out good things that could be happening because we’re focusing on the wrong dang thing. So perspective, gratitude, being grateful, eat, be great, just figure it out. Be grateful for what you got. You still got air in your lungs. You still got What you got and you can build upon that. And, you know, Luz and Joel put me back.

I think traumatic events really set everybody back. If it’s a divorce, if it’s a custody issue, um, if it’s, if it’s death, uh, whatever it is, it really sets us back. Make that your foundation. You get, you’ve got a chance to reset. Let’s scratch off all the things we don’t like about, you know, that we didn’t like about ourselves and look in the mirror [00:24:00] and really take accountability and, and, Stand up for ourselves and focus on getting better.

So we’re going to change our perspective. We’re going to have gratitude for the things that we do have. We may want more. Well, there we go. We got some goals to chase, um, start learning what you do and don’t like. So a lot of people, you say emotional identification and especially men, and that’s. You know, my podcast was men talking about mental health and that’s because it’s an icky thing.

You know, you’re a wuss if you’re talking about your emotions, you know, you’re a sissy and all that. It couldn’t be further from the truth, but that’s how we’ve treated it as a society. And so emotional identification is as much about knowing what makes you happy. As it is about anything else. And if we don’t, if we can’t define what makes us happy, then how the hell are we going to set a goal or a dream to chase it?

So we really got to focus on that. A tool you can use for this is to pay [00:25:00] attention to the things that So, I’m going to talk a little bit about the negative things that I don’t like about people. So, I don’t like it when people do such and such, or it makes me feel a certain way. Don’t put yourself in uncomfortable positions.

Don’t put yourself in bad places. And as you begin to see what you don’t like, you can also start taking in what you do like. I use the example of going to a football game with your friends. It doesn’t always have to be a football game. It’s really not the football game itself that you’re as much enjoying.

I’m a huge football fan. I love each game, but it’s, I like this, all the extra that goes with it, right? You go to a game, you get to tailgate, you get to hang out with your buddies, you get to joke around. Everybody’s got a common goal in winning the game. All of these things are really what we like. And if that’s what you like, Great.

Hang out with your friends more, find good friends and make sure you have good friends that you can hang out with. And you can build that camaraderie with, and you can have common goals that you share, build those things. [00:26:00] If you’re more of the guy that likes to get out and hunt because it’s peaceful and you’re by yourself and all that.

Cool. Do more of that. Figure out what it is. It’s being out in nature probably is helping you. And you know that. So do more of that. So emotional identification would be another one because we’ve really got to figure out what we like to do so that we can do more of that and less of what we don’t like.

Scott DeLuzio: yeah, and to that point, when you focus, the things that you focus on, just in general, in life, you tend to get more of, or you tend to notice it more anyways, um, If you’re focused on all the negative things that have ever happened to you, and, and trust me, nobody’s immune to negative things happening to them.

Like everybody experiences some sort of grief or some sort of injury or illness or [00:27:00] something is going, and if it hasn’t happened yet, It’s going to happen. You know, buckle your

Aaron Gray: on.

Scott DeLuzio: It’s coming. Um, everybody experiences it at some point into different degrees, you know, not, not all, you know, super traumatic type things, but everyone’s going to experience something, uh, that’s, that’s negative along the way.

And if that’s all you’re focused on, In your mind, that’s all you’re gonna get, because that’s, you’re, you don’t have room for the good stuff to, to be focusing on. And, um, It is an interesting thing. A few years ago, I had a business that, which I recently sold. Um, but in that business, I was, I had one type of service that I was offering and I decided at one point, you know what, that type of service.

I just don’t enjoy it. I’m not, I’m not having a good time with it. Um, and I had another [00:28:00] product, like it was a software product that I was selling on the side. I wasn’t really giving it much attention. It was. It was just kind of like the field of dreams. Like if you build it, they will come. And it’s like, whoever found it and bought it cool.

And it wasn’t really my focus. My, my focus was on the service. And I was like, I really don’t like this service, but I really liked doing the, the, the software development side of things. So one day I just decided, you know what? I’m not going to do the service anymore. I’ll, you know, finish up the work that I’m doing, uh, with that, but I’m not going to do that anymore.

And I started focusing on the software side and would you guess that the sales on the software side started increasing? Like it, you know, obviously the sales on the service side, they, they went away because I wasn’t doing that anymore, but. The sales on the, on the software side started increasing. I was focusing on it more and I know it’s not exactly the same thing as what we’re talking about, but when, when you, when you [00:29:00] pay more attention to, to one, one thing or another, you’re gonna, you’re gonna get more of that thing.

And. Why not focus on the positive things? Even in a terrible situation like yours, uh, losing a son, you focused on the positives of how can I use this to now help other people so that they don’t experience this kind of negative situation. And Okay, well, that’s a positive thing. You’re helping people, right?

Even in the midst of such a terrible situation, you still figured something positive to do with that. Um, and I would say that that type of loss, losing a child is got to be up there on the top of the worst types of things. And I don’t like to compare cause trauma is trauma, like, you know, but, but that’s pretty damn bad.

And so. For other folks out [00:30:00] there, um, you know, maybe, maybe look at the gratefulness. Hey, at least whatever I went through is not losing my kid, you know, um, you know, maybe start with that. If you’re, if you’re really in that dark, dark place, at least it’s not that right. And then, okay, let’s, let’s see, how can we turn this into a positive, uh, somehow, right.

Aaron Gray: And start stacking. Yeah. Start stacking wins, man. And, and, and, you know, and I’m, I’m a logical person. I’ve always been like, it has to make sense. You can’t just tell, you know, somebody tells you to focus on the positive and things are just going to start being positive. It’s like, well, what are you talking about, bro?

That’s not how things work. You know what I mean? But to your point, If you look at it, I’ll try to come up with an example. If we know that the gas tank leaks on our car, um, and all we’re doing is focusing on the horn that doesn’t work. It’s the horn doesn’t work. The horn doesn’t work. [00:31:00] And you know, we’re going to run out of gas and then we’re going to have to pay attention to this.

And if, if we can, if we don’t pay attention to, uh, if we’re paying attention to the negative things, that’s what we’re going to be focused on fixing. If we’re paying attention to the positive things and the things that we want, but you know, back to the happiness thing, then that’s what’s going to It’s going to get our energy and it’s going to get our, you know, to your sales point.

It’s going to get our, uh, attention to see how we overcome hurdles to get to what we want. it’s not, you know, it’s not when the hurdle comes along, we don’t go, Oh God, here’s another hurdle and just fold up shop. We say, okay, here it is. Let’s, you know, it’s great. It’s a hurdle and he’s about to learn something.

You know, it’s a quick, there’s another positive for, for people out there who are looking for positives. When some negative things come your way, you know, you’re about to learn something and just start working real hard on figuring out what that is. So you can minimize the pain.

Scott DeLuzio: right. When you, when you have any sort of, uh, setback or what [00:32:00] people might perceive as a failure, uh, it, it’s not necessarily a failure. It’s, it’s just. A learning lesson, like, okay, don’t do that thing again. Whatever that thing was, you know, like, okay, cool. I, I got that information. Now I’m, I’m storing that away.

I won’t do that again. Now that makes any next attempt at whatever it is that you’re, you’re trying to do that much easier because you’re not going to go back and do that thing that didn’t work the first time.

Aaron Gray: Exactly.

Scott DeLuzio: The next time you’re more likely to get it right because you’re not going to do the thing that didn’t work.

You’re going to do something else. Now. Maybe that other thing might not work either. Okay? File that away with the first thing, right? Now you got two things that don’t work. And I think it was Thomas Edison. He said, uh, you know, I, I. I haven’t failed. I just found 10, 000 ways that didn’t work or

Aaron Gray: right.

Scott DeLuzio: along those lines.

Right. And it’s like, okay, he learned every single one of those times he learned [00:33:00] how, uh, how not to do something. And eventually he figured out how to do something. And look, we have flights now like that. That’s pretty damn cool.

Aaron Gray: It is cool. Yeah. He, uh, and, and, and to your, I wanted to say this to, uh, to your, to your audience, especially veterans, you know, the United States has done an amazing job figuring out How to turn human beings into killing machines. And they do it the same way that I’m trying to talk to people.

about undoing it. And it is to use mind control. It is, um, now you’re going in a different direction when you’re turning into a killing machine than we’re going now. So I’m, I don’t know how to turn people into killing machines, but it’s the same mind control that you’re being taught there. They don’t unwind it.

And I think that’s unfair. That they don’t unwind it and they don’t help us unwind when, uh, you know, you guys get home, they don’t help you guys unwind. [00:34:00] I’m not an us. I’m, you know, you guys are. I’m not a veteran. I’m very appreciative of what you do for us and, and we owe you guys more, but it’s that same mind control.

So to, so when one tells themselves, well, I just can’t focus. Yeah, you can, just like you didn’t focus on the pain when you were in the field or when you lost a fellow brother in the field. You didn’t just stop and start weeping. No, damn it. You used mind control and you kept pressing forward because you had to.

Just change the mission. The mission is now to be happy. The mission is now to not live with anxiety. The mission now is to not be stressed and to not, not, uh, compromise on these things because Their life, our lives are too short. And, you know, if we have lost others, we know they don’t get to do it. So I’m going to do it because they couldn’t do it.

You can do it in their memory if you want. But yeah, I wanted to say that because you guys have a lot of mind control. It’s just been used in a whole different way. [00:35:00] Oh,

Scott DeLuzio: one of the things that we. Do when we are being trained in the military is that we, we do things for other people. And I think we lose that when we get out because, um, I’m going to keep my head on a swivel when I’m out on a mission, I’m going to be looking around for threats and, and, and all that.

Uh, yes, sure. For self preservation, I don’t want to get, you know, injured or killed or anything, but I also don’t want the guys serving with me to get injured or killed. And, uh, you know, so I’m going to be extra vigilant because I don’t want to be the one who screwed up and cause somebody else to get hurt.

Um, and so we do these things for those other people. And you were talking earlier about finding your why. And, um, I. I really do believe that [00:36:00] serving somebody else, it could be a family member, do it for your, your spouse, do it for your kids, do it for your, your parents or do it for whoever it is, find somebody or somebody’s, you know, some people in your life that you love.

You’re like, you know what? I, I want to be a better father or a better husband or a better whoever Like you were saying before I want to be better. I want to be happier I want to be more more fit so I can go out and play with my kids or I can do, you know Things like that. That’s your why that’s that’s why you want to be happy.

That’s why you want to to fight for You Something better. Um, and trust me, it’s not easy. Um, and you could probably attest to this too. It is not easy. Um, but you have, you have to work through it and And you’ll, you’ll get there [00:37:00] eventually. Um, for, you know, all full disclosure, I’m still going through that.

I’m still working through that, but I have my why I have my reason why I want to keep pushing forward and not just throw in the towel and just stay in bed all day and say, screw it, you know, find a why and, and that, that will help. Uh, I think as well, right?

Aaron Gray: for sure, man. I, you know, I, I say it often. I wish that it was the, why was for the man in the mirror. But I think that again, you know, some more of our patterning, uh, from our society, probably all the way back to, you know, the hunter gatherers, it is that we were the hunters. We were the ones, the men were the ones who went out.

We took care of the, the village or, you know, whatever. And we, we made sure they ate. And then when it came to defending, there we are, we’re the ones that are going to defend. And so we don’t put ourselves first, uh, [00:38:00] historically. And. You know, in a society or any of that. So it does come down to finding a why, and it’s usually somebody else, somebody that we love more than ourselves, really.

And,

Scott DeLuzio: for sure.

Aaron Gray: I hope that people hear what I’m trying. I’m, I want us to love ourselves and it’s, it goes and it’s not, it’s, it is selfish, but that’s, it’s a good selfish. It’s not a, it’s not a selfish in that you’re, you’re doing it for the same reasons that when we’re on an airplane. With our kids, if the oxygen masks drop, we got to put ours on first before we put our kids on.

And why is that? Because if we’re passed out, then we ain’t putting masks on anybody.

Scott DeLuzio: That’s right.

Aaron Gray: and so we’ve got to take care of ourselves. We’ve got to do better for us so that we can do better for them. And so, yeah, man, to your point, find somebody in your life that you can do it for since you’re not doing it for the man in the mirror until you can do it for the man in the air.

Scott DeLuzio: That’s right. Um, and I, it’s, it’s kind of like, why, why fight human [00:39:00] nature? Like this is, this is kind of in our DNA. It’s in our blood. It’s, this is how we were built. Um, why fight it? Right. So find that person. Um, and, but also to your point, you want to get to that point where you can look in the mirror and be like, you know what, cool with this person.

You know, this is a good, good guy that I’m looking at in the mirror. Right. Um, yeah, but it, it’s not an easy. thing to do. Um, especially with that, that kind of selflessness that you were talking about, where yeah, you’ll, you’ll hunt, you’ll defend, you’ll provide, you’ll, you’ll do those things for others. Um, if it was just you, you’d probably just wither away. Um, you know, and so, uh, Yeah, fine, fine. That somebody else that you can, uh, be there for hell, make it your dog

Aaron Gray: That’s what I was about to say, bro. Some people that can say, well, man, I don’t have any family, but we’ll get a dog.

Scott DeLuzio: right.

Aaron Gray: exactly what I’d tell somebody who would, you know, who was about to say that to me and Houston and having this conversation, [00:40:00] it’s like, cool, go get a dog. There’s so many shelter dogs, like go give that dog a second chance and see you in that dog.

Like, see you take care of that dog. See you love that dog. See you do all those things for that poor dog that was in that cage, was going to get put to sleep. And then look at the mirror and see you in that because that’s what it is, man. That was a great, I’m glad you brought that up. Yeah,

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. And there’s even, I heard a story of this guy who he had a dog and he was, he was suicidal and he had had this, this, uh, this issue. And. Yeah. He had firearms in his home, but he took the key to his gun safe and he put it around the dog’s collar, you know, with the tags and everything. And he was like, you know what, if I’m, if I’m going to do this, I got to go through my dog first and I got to look him in the eyes as I’m, as I’m taking this key, key off of his collar and everything.

And, um, he’s like, I, I just couldn’t do it. Um, because that, that was his why. He found his why and, uh, that dog. I mean, I love dogs too. [00:41:00] So I like that, that’s why I mentioned dogs and not a cat because I’m not a cat person, but if you’re a cat person, get a cat, you know, whatever it is that you need to find that why, you know, do that.

Right.

Aaron Gray: for sure.

Scott DeLuzio: you know, and I, I know like if we had. More people, like you said, there might be people who maybe they don’t have family, you know, their, their loved ones are deceased or they moved away or they’re just out of the picture for some reason. Um, there’s other communities, right? And support networks that, that can help out probably playing a big role in, um, in what we’re talking about here, but also just growth and, and, and, uh, that overall positive mindset.

Um, you know, What do you, what are your thoughts on that as far as like kind of getting involved in those and utilizing these types of networks?

Aaron Gray: Uh, agree, agree with you a hundred percent. That community is huge. Uh, it’s big for, it’s big for, it’s good for our healing. I believe that we are a community oriented [00:42:00] creature. that does not mean that some people don’t like to be by themselves a lot of the time. And if that’s you, then okay, focus on that.

And that’s, that’s to my next point. I’m not going to suggest any programs or communities or things like that, because I think this is a very subjective thing. And that goes back to our emotional identification. So start figuring out. You know, what it is that you’re wanting to do to accomplish, what you’re learning, what you’re enjoying learning, if it’s volunteering, whatever it is, man, whatever it is you’re figuring out and you’re learning, then start finding like minded people.

And we do this for a couple of reasons. We are going to become just like those that we surround ourselves with. So surround yourselves with like minded people. With people who you can learn from, who are in the place where you’d like, you, you would like to see yourself. You’d be like, man, if I, if I had what Scott had, man, I’d be happy.

You know what I mean? That doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy. Um, but if you surround yourself and you know, he’s a good dude, he, you’re, you align on, um, your moral compass [00:43:00] and you align on your belief system. And, you know, we didn’t get into core beliefs, but you align on your belief systems and things like that.

Then yes, you surround yourself with those people because, you know, A, they can give you purpose and help you with your why. Um, and, and they can, B, they can help you hone your skills. Uh, they can see, they can teach you. Um, and D, a sense of community to your point of when you guys are out in the field that you’re extra vigilant for that brethren next to you because you don’t want The reason that something happens to them, even over yourself, same thing build camaraderie within this community be a rock for a community you know, be the be the best member of that community you can be and this is a little I guess what I would have used to have called hokey.

We get back what we put out and I think that [00:44:00] I can prove it with a simple example. If you’re going around, uh, yelling at people and being a jerk, um, and you know, just overall being a jerk. Jackass to everybody, then that’s what you’re going to get back. People are going to be rude to you. They’re going to be mean to you.

They’re going to talk funky to you. Uh, that’s going to happen. And we know that like, if I call you a name, you’re going to call me an aim back as long as it’s going to happen. And the exact opposite is true. And if we put positive out there, it comes back. And I, again, when I, when I got going, this was five years ago, I get going in this and it’s, you know, put positive energy out because positive energy come back.

Like, don’t tell me that crap. You know what I mean? I’m, I’m agnostic. I’m not believing in any of this messy hokey stuff, right? Well, it’s true. And I live it now. And here’s how I started with that. So I’m trying to give listeners as many tools as I can for, um, this podcast. Start being nice to [00:45:00] everybody and mean it.

When you’re checking out at the grocery store, I’m in the South and you know, we, we, we’re nosy in the way that we’re nosy is, is that we strip, we talk to everybody and you don’t have to be like we are down here in the South as much, but you can still be kind. So the individual checking you out, you know, Hey, how you doing?

And mean it. And if they say, Whatever they say, then just respond in kindness. And if they say, Oh, I’m doing awful. Well, I’m sorry, you’re having a bad day. I hope it gets turned around. That’s it. You ain’t got to stay any longer. You gave them positive vibes. You know, you go out and you, and you see somebody needs, I don’t know, helps picking something up, or there’s an old lady or something, you’re constantly putting out positive vibes, it’s coming back and I’ve seen it, it happens to me.

And as soon as I start to doubt it, I’ll be damned if it doesn’t happen to me again. I, uh, I had an individual blow by me. I was walking. We have a greenway that I’ll walk on frequently in this car. You know, when these cars drive by you fast, it just pisses you off. You’re like, God, you’re going to kill me, you know, and it’s really scared.

You know, I’m [00:46:00] not mad. I’m mad because I’m scared, you know, and so this individual does it and I’m all, and it’s okay. I’m still everybody. I pass them. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? The next day, the individual who was driving that car caught me on my route and. Apologize profusely. They did not see me because of the sun.

And they saw, they saw how close he’d come to me and they felt awful about it. And I said, well, I, I probably said some negative things about the driver of the car. I didn’t understand that was you, but I did say negative things. They said, well, you should have, and I’m just, I’m sorry. And I, I, it was just a reminder, dude, don’t people aren’t necessarily doing things.

So mess with you or ignore you or whatever. It’s just, they’re in their own lane. So trying to stay positive, positive comes back to us. And, uh, so that, that’s, that’s what I say about that. I think that, that the energy that we put out positive [00:47:00] or negative is going to come back to us.

Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. I agree with that because when you have exactly like you said, when you have somebody who is a jerk and they are putting out that negative energy and they’re calling people names and they’re, you know, whatever, um, Whatever their motivations are for that, it doesn’t really matter because if that person is making you feel like, like you’re, you know, now in a terrible mood, uh, because this person, it’s like, I don’t want, first off, I don’t want to be around that person.

Uh, second off, if I have to be around that person for, for whatever reason, I’m probably going to give it right back, uh, to that person. And, and that, that’s just like, that brings you down and that makes it. That much harder to bring yourself back up because you got people bringing you down all the time And so if you’re that person the people around you are gonna be

Aaron Gray: Those

Scott DeLuzio: you nothing but negativity or they’re just [00:48:00] gonna walk away from you and If you’re, if you’re trying to build a relationship with these people, uh, and they walk a right way from you, well, that’s a lot of wasted effort, um, on, on that person.

So, um, you know, yeah, put out the positivity and, and I like your, your grocery store example there because, um, you know, you could just go right through and very transactional, like, okay, well, how much do I owe? And, you know, Swipe your card or you’ll pay a cash, whatever. If does anyone pay cash anymore? Um, you know, you put your card in, you tap your card, whatever.

Um, and you’re, you’re out the door and you’re on your way. And you know, who cares if that person was having a good day or not, you know, and, and that’s the mindset you could have. But you know, if you, if you strike just a casual conversation, just in the short amount of time that they, uh, You know, take the ring up your groceries.

Um, it might put you in a better mood. Um, you know, if that, that person is [00:49:00] given that positivity right back to you and okay, well, positive and more positive. We’re just piling it on. Okay. Well now, as I’m putting the cart back into the, the thing in the parking lot and then there’s somebody else there, say, say, you know, a couple of nice words to them and there’s a little bit more positivity and, you know, You let somebody cross the street as you’re leaving the parking lot or something like that, a little more positivity going on and, and they wave and they, they, you see the appreciation, a little more positivity, right?

And it builds on itself. And, and just like you were saying, it’s just like now, now with the, just in the short, leaving the grocery store situation, you’ve had like, You know, three, maybe four different scenarios where you’ve, you’ve added some positivity to your life. Doesn’t have to be a lot. Um, but there’s some positivity that you’re adding and it just.

Helps keep that momentum going. Right.

Aaron Gray: And you’re training, you’re training yourself to, uh, and all of this and all of these tools, when you’re using a perspective tool, you know, when, when we meditate to [00:50:00] stay present, I heard so much about meditation, you know, before I started using it, meditation is so great. It’s so awesome. It’s going to change your life.

And you know, I could never, I could never do it. You want to sit down and just not think about anything. It doesn’t even make sense to me. Right.

Scott DeLuzio: Right.

Aaron Gray: uh, uh, What I will offer to people listening who have heard about meditation and had a similar response as I do, what is so helpful about it is the mind control that comes with it.

So, um, in, in, in staying present and the mind control piece, back to what we’ve discussed before, we get to ruminating on things. We want to be positive. You want to stay away from negative so with the meditation, you’re training your, yourself, how to clear your mind of things that are clouding it in these things are

what are causing your negative emotions. So rarely, are we having a negative emotion because of what we’re experiencing in the current. It’s something we experienced in the past or something that we’re worried about happening in the future. Once we learn how [00:51:00] to control our minds and understand that That, you know, that’s a thought that I’ve already dealt with.

I’ve already learned that lesson. I know I’ve already prepared for that or whatever. We clear these things from our minds. Not only does it help us stay present for those that we’re around, but it also gets that all that stuff that just builds on our shoulders and builds on our shoulders and builds on our shoulders.

All day, every day. And we’re like, why am I so drugged dad? If we could look in the mirror and see these invisible things piled up on our shoulders, we’d know why. So that’s another tool. I didn’t talk about meditation earlier, but it’s the mind control that comes with meditation. There’s a bunch of things that go with it, but that is what I’ve really learned is valuable in my fight against the Ruminating thoughts and the, uh, continuing to worry about negative things or worry about, you know, having anxiety about future things.

It’s really given me that. And so all these tools that I’m, I’m talking about are training our mind and our body [00:52:00] how to make sure. We are focused on being our best selves, being our happy selves, and not focused on all the bad things that have happened to us and that we’re just supposed to be unhappy and all that stuff.

So that’s what I was, I was trying to talk about, uh, the training that we’re putting ourselves through, even with being a nice guy.

Scott DeLuzio: Right. Yeah. Because. Uh, like anything, the more you do it, it’s almost like the muscle memory. I know it’s not a muscle per se, but it’s, it’s the same concept where if you’re trying to get better at a sport, um, we’ll go do that sport that, you know, do it over and over and over and over again. And you’re going to get better at the, the baseball swing or the golf swing or, or throwing the ball or, you know, whatever it is that you, you’re trying to do, the more you do it, the, the, the The more you do it correctly, let’s put it this way, the better you get, right?

Because perfect practice makes perfect and that, that practice makes perfect because you could be practicing it wrong. Um, you know, [00:53:00] going out there and trying to, uh, you know, if the goal is spreading positivity and you’re a jerk to everybody and I was practicing it, well, yeah, but you’re a jerk.

Aaron Gray: That’s right.

Scott DeLuzio: It’s not, it’s not working.

You’re, you’re, you’re, you got really good at being a jerk, but you’re still not good at, uh, you know, you know, being positive and being nice to people. So, um, you know, a lot of, a lot of things to think about here though. I think, um, you know, the, the biggest thing. is just getting out of your own head sometimes and, and getting out of your own way.

Um, getting out into nature and just letting all of those thoughts just kind of fizzle away or leave them behind. If you, if you have to think about it, maybe just think about like a box that you just leave at home and okay, that’s where I’m going to leave that stuff here and I’m going to go on this walk and I’m just going to forget about that stuff for a minute and I’ll come back.

I’ll take the stuff back out later when I get back home, but right now [00:54:00] I’m, I’m. I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about the birds and the trees and the, you know, the, the bunnies running across the grass or whatever, whatever it is, uh, you know, that, those are the things that, that you’re focused on at that point, but it’s a practice.

You have to, you’re not going to go out once and be like, Oh my gosh, this is the whole world’s better. You know, like it’s practice. You got to do it repeatedly.

Aaron Gray: and keep, and keep doing it.

Scott DeLuzio: Yes. Yeah. Don’t, don’t give up on it. Um, just cause it didn’t work once or after the first week, you’re like, ah, man, this isn’t working. And I, I, I quit.

I’m not doing this anymore. Well, maybe you need to give it more time, you know? Um, so I know we briefly mentioned at the beginning of the show, uh, your, your podcast, I want to give you an opportunity to tell, tell folks what your podcast is all about, uh, what it’s called, where they can find it, all that kind of stuff.

Um, and, uh, and, uh, And go from there.

Aaron Gray: Sure, man. Much appreciated. Uh, you give me the opportunity to do that. It’s called guys [00:55:00] dealings with feelings. Uh, it’s, it’s because we don’t really deal with them. We just have dealings with them. We have run ins with them. And the basis of the show is. Uh, talking about mental health, specifically men talking about mental health, just so that we can lift this idea that it’s a negative, that, that, that we don’t need to be doing it or that we’re some kind of a wuss because we do it.

It’s actually the opposite. We’re very strong dealing with these things. And so we focus on that. I have guests on who have been through traumatic events. or who specialize in the field of trauma and we discuss these types of tools and processes. I don’t think that the tools I use are the only tools that will work.

I just know that they do work so I share them with people. And uh, I know they’re very practical and things we’ve heard of. But that doesn’t mean they’re the only tool. So I try to have people on who can give you know their experiences and what they used and how it worked for them so that You can just get a variety and what works for you works for you.

And that’s all that matters is, is finding something that works for you. And if you [00:56:00] find, find that this doesn’t work, then do that. And if that doesn’t work, then do the other and just keep trying, man, keep trying because it’s, it’s, it, it ain’t easy even sitting around in the bed, being depressed all the time.

That’s it’s awful. It’s not easy. So get to work and make that your heart. And so where you can find me is on Spotify and Apple. Under guys dealings with feelings, and you can find me on YouTube and on Instagram at I two U Thrive. That’s the letter I, the number two, the letter U and the word Thrive, T-H-R-I-V-E.

So, and that’s also my website, so www.itothrive.com.

Scott DeLuzio: Excellent. And I’ll have links to all that in the show notes for the listener. So you can check that out. Um, and I’ll, I’ll have a link to the podcast, the websites, all, all those, uh, social media, everything like that in there. Um, uh, yeah, Aaron, man, it’s been a absolute pleasure talking with you. It is, um, you know, it makes it seem.

Achievable, you know, [00:57:00] talking to you about this, like, you know, when, when you, you feel like all hope is, is lost and you’re, you’re just barely keeping your head above water and, and you’re, you’re, you’re feeling like that, uh, way to, way to the world is on your shoulders and you’re just not, uh, you’re just not making it through, um, you know, after, after hearing kind of what you’re saying, it seems like, you know what, There’s hope now.

I, I can do a couple of small actionable things right now. I could focus on those things. Um, it may be big to you if you’re, you’re hearing this. Uh, if, if you’re struggling, it might be tough to do. Um, but it’s like, you know what? I, I can do that. I have gone out for a walk before, so I, I know I can do it physically.

So I’m going to go do that. Um, You know, I know I can look at the ingredients on the back of the package of food I’m about to eat and realize, oh my gosh, I can’t pronounce half of these things, [00:58:00] that that’s the stuff I want to cut out, right? You can go through your pantry and you can throw all that stuff out and, and go to the store, uh, make that an outing, go to the store and go, you know, Find the good stuff, you know, shop, shop in the, the fresh fruits and vegetables and, and meats and, and fish and all that kind of stuff.

Get the fresh foods, um, you know, the, the single, you know, single type ingredient, uh, uh, foods, um, I think, you know, you probably can go with a couple of ingredients if you want to get fancy or something, but, but nothing more than like, you know, three, five ingredients or so in, in something, um, you know, and look for stuff like that and I don’t know, make it a scavenger hunt or something.

Give you, give you something to put your mind on. That’s not whatever the doom and gloom is that you might have going on. And, and that,

Aaron Gray: it.

Scott DeLuzio: that’s a great first step, uh, I think. And, uh, you know, I for taking the time to share it. I appreciate it.

Aaron Gray: Sure man, I, I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to come on.

Scott DeLuzio: Absolutely. [00:59:00] Um, yeah, and I think, I think this, this will help a whole lot of people. So thanks again.

Aaron Gray: Alright buddy.

Scott DeLuzio: Thanks for listening to the Drive On Podcast. If you want to support the show, please check out Scott’s book, Surviving Son on Amazon. All of the sales from that book go directly back into this podcast and work to help veterans in need. You can also follow the Drive On Podcast on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts.