Episode 535 Robert Wheeler When the Uniform Comes Off Everything Changes Overnight Transcript

This transcript is from episode 535 with guest Robert Wheeler.

[00:00:00] Scott DeLuzio: You know that feeling when you just take off the uniform and all the stuff that you leaned on is gone. The, the paycheck, the housing, the crew that you always had your back. You know, one day you’re in the next day it’s like you’re just on an island all by yourself. Robert Wheeler went through all that.

[00:00:17] He left the Navy, thought he had all the things lined up, and then the bottom fell out from under him. He blew up to over 300 pounds. He battled depression and felt like he didn’t even want to be a vet claim to be a veteran anymore. And what turned it around for him was pretty simple, but not always the easiest thing to do.

[00:00:38] Uh, he focused on his fitness, his mindset, and discipline. In this episode, he’s gonna talk about why he tells himself to shut up when the spiral starts in his head. How, uh, chapter 31, uh, vocational rehab, uh, and employment benefits from the VA gave him the time and freedom to [00:01:00] reset, and how pain can actually be the thing that pushes you forward.

[00:01:06] Before we get into this episode, though, I wanna take a moment to raise awareness for something that I think is deeply important to our community. The Global War on Terrorism Memorial Foundation. This organization is working to build a permanent national memorial in Washington DC to honor the service members, families, and civilians impacted by the global war on terrorism.

[00:01:26] This memorial will serve as both a tribute to those who served and way to ensure that their sacrifices are recognized and remembered for generations to come. So if you want to learn more or find out how you can support their mission, visit GWOT memorial foundation.org. Now, let’s get in today’s episode.

[00:01:58] Scott DeLuzio: Hey, Robert, welcome to the [00:02:00] show. Really glad to have you here.

[00:02:01] Robert Wheeler: you here. Thank you. It’s good to be here.

[00:02:03] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. So, before we get into kind of your, your whole story and everything give us a little rundown of your, your background, kind of your, your military service and, and kind of, what led you to where you are today.

[00:02:14] Robert Wheeler: That’s a loaded question, brother. I don’t

[00:02:15] Scott DeLuzio: It might be, yeah,

[00:02:16] Robert Wheeler: that might take like three to to five episodes over a course of a couple months.

[00:02:20] Scott DeLuzio: A couple drinks and.

[00:02:21] Robert Wheeler: Born and raised in California for, for 21 years. Kind of was the guy that didn’t have a goal or a vision or a dream. Just, I literally probably thought I was gonna live with my parents till the day they died, and I kind of took over their stuff, which really wasn’t, I guess, the best attitude, but.

[00:02:41] So after I got kicked out of college for Academics and lost my scholarships, my sports scholarships, my dad wasn’t too happy with me. So, he was a business owner, entrepreneur. And every day, literally every day for six months before he went to work at 5:00 AM he would kick open my door. I think literally my door was destroyed by [00:03:00] the end of the day and he’d be like, join the Navy.

[00:03:03] Well, me thinking that, haha, dad, I’m gonna join the Navy and I’m gonna piss you off and you’re not gonna even know he got what he wanted. I got upset one day after the, the abuse to my door and I went down to the recruiter not knowing anything, not having anybody to talk to about getting into the military.

[00:03:23] And ended up joined the Navy where I would do a 10 year career. From there, become a police officer in the federal and local system for about 17 years total, including my military service would leave that to open a strength and conditioning gym which I ran for four years. Would lose that due to COVID and then would eventually pivot into what I’m doing now and who I am today.

[00:03:49] Scott DeLuzio: Excellent. So

[00:03:49] Robert Wheeler: So,

[00:03:50] Scott DeLuzio: you know, not. The military was not something that was on your radar from, from a young age. That was a, that was kind of more of a, a, you know, stick it to, to dad kind of thing. But turned out [00:04:00] that’s what he wanted anyways. And, and it kind of, kind of worked out in his in his eyes probably.

[00:04:04] You know, but you know, so after leaving the Navy after he got out and, and you kind of transitioned into, you know, local and federal law enforcement, what was the hardest part about that transition out of the Navy? Kind of, was it, you know, part of rebuilding that sense of identity or purpose or, you know, what, what was it for you that that was the, the most difficult in that transition period?

[00:04:25] Robert Wheeler: so I, I love talking about this because I’m finding out, even from other veterans I speak to today, transitioning really hasn’t changed, and that’s pretty scary based on how most of us transition.

[00:04:37] So. You know, if you have any civilian listeners, when we transition, when we get out, we lose everything overnight. We lose our community depending on, you know, injuries or whatever. We lose our medical benefits, we lose everything. Base housing, if you have base housing, we lose everything that we’ve been dependent on that I was dependent on for 10 full years, and it was just a huge culture [00:05:00] shock.

[00:05:00] I remember. Sitting in taps class and it was just death by PowerPoint. I wasn’t paying attention. I was more focused on I just want to get outta the military. I’m done with this stuff. Had some issues in my career and just like wanted to be done. And VA benefits wasn’t explained to me. Pension, like nothing was explained to me.

[00:05:21] It was just, oh, you can either take a pension or you can take your VA benefits. And me being like, well, I need money now. I took my, my pension, you know, they, I was a E five so a second class they gave me basically a $50,000 paycheck as that’s what I would make a year. And I get out and then, you know, I’m married, I have kids, I have a house, I have responsibilities, and my money’s like just dwindling.

[00:05:46] And I don’t have a job. Like I don’t know what I’m doing. They, they really need to be a better of things about maybe putting, and I say this just like school too. Like instead of learning about history and stuff, [00:06:00] which some history is important, you know, don’t get me wrong, but teach kids how to balance their money, how to manage money, how to find a job, how to talk to people, how to socialize, like things that matter.

[00:06:10] The same thing in the military. They need to be like, well. We’re gonna check on you for a period of six months. Once a month you’re gonna have this counselor, or this person’s gonna make sure you’re, you’re physically, mentally, and emotionally well, and that you have all the resources you need to succeed when you’re out because we don’t get that getting out.

[00:06:27] So it’s a very frustrating thing. So I probably had the experience that I would say 90% of all vets have. So

[00:06:33] Scott DeLuzio: Right. Right. And I, I think to your point, the, the military does a great job at training us to, you know, put the uniform on, become a soldier, a sailor, you know, marine airman, what, you know, what have you. It, they, they train us to, to do that job, but.

[00:06:48] Robert Wheeler: but

[00:06:49] Scott DeLuzio: kind of fall short when it comes to taking that uniform off and becoming a civilian.

[00:06:53] And, and it’s so strange if you think about it that we all were civilians at one point. [00:07:00] Right, and so like we know what it’s like to be a civilian, but what we don’t realize is that a lot of times for the, the majority of of people, I would imagine in the military, they were a civilian, as a teenager, as a high school kid who didn’t really have a ton of responsibilities.

[00:07:15] They didn’t have a family, they didn’t have a house or mortgage or you know, car payments and all those, those types of things that go along with it. They were. Just, you know, a high school kid, maybe they had a part-time job or, or something like that at a, you know, and, and it’s, it’s not the same level of responsibility that you’re talking about as now, you know, some, someone in their thirties or forties or, or even beyond who now has a family and responsibilities and, and all these other things that you, you have to take care of.

[00:07:40] And when all of those things that you relied on, your, your, your paycheck, your, you know, even, even food allowances and housing allowances and all the things that, that go along with it, all those things are just taken away from you. Now it’s like, oh crap, I gotta figure this out on my own. And that, that’s kind of a, it’s almost like being tossed in the deep end of, of a pool [00:08:00] and, and not really knowing how to swim.

[00:08:02] Right.

[00:08:02] Robert Wheeler: Yeah, definitely.

[00:08:03] And you know, even scarer than that is just the community. You know, even when I left federal law enforcement, once I was out of there, nobody called me, no one said, Hey, are you okay? Like that club, it was over like my time was done. And it’s the same with the military. Like your coworkers, you might be friends on Facebook or Instagram or whatever and say Hi here and there, but essentially they just forget about you because you’re not part of their club anymore.

[00:08:26] And it’s, man, like, what do I do? I’m by myself.

[00:08:30] Scott DeLuzio: Right. And it’s like, it’s just flipping a switch and, and you go from one day you’re in the club, next day you’re out of a club. And yeah, you sure there, you might have some, some friends that you keep from, from your time and, and, and you know, just. Like any other phase of life, you, you know, you might have friends from high school still as, as, you know, an adult.

[00:08:46] You might have friends from college or other places that you might’ve picked up friends. But you know, the, the majority of those people who were friends at that point in time in your life, oftentimes they, they kind of go off and do their own thing. And you know, it’s, [00:09:00] it’s the, the few and far between that end up sticking around for, for the long haul.

[00:09:04] And so that’s been, you know, my experience anyways. But you know, so. Part of military service. You know, you build structure self-discipline, things like that. And when you’re transitioning out, I gotta believe that that is a, an asset that we have as, as we’re getting out. What was your experience with, with that?

[00:09:24] Was that helpful for you?

[00:09:25] Robert Wheeler: for you? It, I mean, it’s helpful for me now. It, you know, I have PTSD, I have major depressive disorder, I have anxiety. And essentially I didn’t know I had those things. It, it took a while through filing VA claims and seeing counselors and getting divorced after 18 years from my first marriage to realize like, oh crap, there’s something wrong with me.

[00:09:47] So. I had the structure, like, and, and that’s the thing I guess I’m trying to fight for, besides just men, but mainly veterans and first responders we’re warriors, we’re fighters. Even like if you were a cook in the [00:10:00] military or an admin person, you still had to do training. You still had to be in some sort of shape.

[00:10:04] You still had to be kind of dangerous. And we get out and, you know, we lose that community and, and we lose that purpose. And I, I mainly say purpose and especially for a man, purpose is huge and. When we lose that purpose, we, we just kinda like, I guess forget about our training, so to speak. I mean, I had, I had blown up to just over 300 pounds due to depression and, and not being in the military anymore.

[00:10:28] ’cause I thought I was gonna do 20 years I was ready to retire and. That opportunity due to injury was taken away from me, and I was very bitter, upset and, and, and mad about that for a long time. So now, yes, my military training is very essential to everything that I currently do, especially in the discipline.

[00:10:46] But from getting out the first point, no, I, I lost like, I think a lot of times, whether you want to or not. We get in that civilian mode and we just kind of say, okay, I’m a civilian now, and we just like. Throw away everything. I remember throwing away my uniforms, you know, and now I’m [00:11:00] like, damn, I wish I at least kept like one to to have as a, a memento.

[00:11:04] But no, I was the guy like, well, f this, I’m done. You know, they fricking screwed me over that bitter angriness and just kind of removed that aspect from my life. So for the longest time, I wouldn’t even, now I’m not the guy, I don’t wear campaign hats and I typically don’t wear like branch specific shirts.

[00:11:23] But I wouldn’t even tell people I was a veteran. I like, I was embarrassed. It, it took a long time for me to lean into everything that the military actually gave me.

[00:11:32] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And you know, that’s not an uncommon reaction. I, I’ve heard that from other people as well, that, that they have something similar to that where they, they’re like, you know what, I, I don’t even identify as a veteran. It’s just, you know, yeah, I, I served, but, you know, so what? Like that, that’s just a part of me.

[00:11:48] It’s like. Yeah, maybe I used to work at a grocery store, but like, that’s not who I am. I’m not, you know, that, that person who, who worked at that grocery store. But, you know, it’s not even something you bring up in a [00:12:00] conversation unless you know someone specifically asks about it.

[00:12:02] Robert Wheeler: Right, right.

[00:12:03] Scott DeLuzio: It, it’s just a, a thing that you did and.

[00:12:06] Th that’s kind of where they wanna just leave it. But I guess to your point there, there’s a lot that the military has given us as far as not just like the, the discipline and structure that you, you kind of can build around your, your life, which are, I think, are valuable assets to have.

[00:12:24] But there’s also a wide range of benefits that are available to us that. Can help out, especially someone like yourself. You mentioned you had PTSD, depression, anxiety, all those things. You know, there there’s mental health resources, there’s there’s, there’s benefits that, that can be offered, you know, as far as like disability benefits.

[00:12:42] ’cause you know, a lot of times you know, I’m sure some of the listeners can probably attest to this is that, yeah, having some of these, these issues affects your, your day-to-day life, and it maybe affects your ability to earn an income. And, and so having some of those benefits coming in doesn’t completely replace your income.[00:13:00]

[00:13:00] And, and it’s not designed to do that, but it, it can help. You know, ease, ease the burden just a little bit so that it’s just, you know, one less thing that you now have to worry about and, and just make, make life a little bit easier so that you can focus on getting better and trying to make, make those strides towards improvement.

[00:13:16] Right.

[00:13:17] Robert Wheeler: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so I, I am a hundred percent disabled vet and it took me a very long time to understand the difference between. What I guess I earned versus what I felt I should deserve. You know, I think a lot of times when it comes to VA disability, it’s a very fine line between do you deserve, you know.

[00:13:38] What you’re gonna get out of it versus the people that just say, oh, well I know it’s free money, so I’m going to to claim something. And it took me a long time to get over that hump and listen to different people be like, no, like you served your country for 10 years, you were put through hell. Like, these are your benefits, like these are for you.

[00:13:55] So having that, and I’m actually currently a full-time student. I’m in a [00:14:00] program called Vocational Rehab. So for the civilian and even veterans that maybe don’t know, that’s called chapter 31. And what that is, is for me, because of my mental health, because of my injuries I can’t necessarily be a, a police officer anymore.

[00:14:14] Not that I want to get back in that position at my age. So you go into your voc rehab counselor, or you fill out your [email protected] and you’re like, Hey, I can’t do this job anymore. I need something. I don’t want to just be on disability. And they actually allow you to go to school. Now there’s some hoops you have to jump through, and the program obviously isn’t perfect, but it does provide me a stipend based on how many hours I’m in school.

[00:14:41] And so between the stipend and my disability. That allows me essentially to do what I’m doing now, be a host, you know, on a podcast, run a coaching business. Everything that I want to do, I now have that time freedom because I’m also learning, you know, I’m getting my degree in communication, so I’m, I’m getting a degree [00:15:00] and I’m getting my disability, and that equals time freedom.

[00:15:03] So, you know, I don’t think everybody necessarily wants to be disabled, so to speak or go to school, but if you have. Other options or other things you want to do, start a business maybe a career change have more time with your kids. You’re right, the military has tons of benefits and options for you to do that, where you can still make a wage now, you know, obviously if I didn’t have the business, like I’m not rich, I’m not, you know, driving around in a Ferrari or Lamborghini right now in my five story, you know, house.

[00:15:37] Miami and the, the rich district. But no, I, I, I’m living pretty decently off of what the military is affording me to have from my benefits.

[00:15:45] Scott DeLuzio: Right, and I, I think an important thing that a lot of people. Overlook when talking about benefits like this is, is sometimes they, they feel like they’re, maybe they’re, they feel like they’re taking away from somebody else who, who might deserve those benefits, you know, quote, unquote more than me, you know, someone who’s [00:16:00] more injured than me, or, or something like that.

[00:16:01] Then it becomes a pissing contest and, and you know, who wants to, to get into all that, right? But the, the, the thing that I think a lot of people fail to recognize is that if, let’s say you didn’t. Get any of the benefits that were afforded to you as, as a, a, a veteran and you were struggling to make ends meet and you were really having a tough time.

[00:16:23] You’re, you’re, you know, life’s falling apart. Your finances are a mess. You’re, you’re just, you know, one bill away from being homeless and, you know, you’re, you’re in that kind of situation. Imagine you have a neighbor who’s, you know. 17, 18-year-old kid who’s considering joining the military, and he sees this neighbor who’s a veteran, whose life is falling apart.

[00:16:46] And he is like, my gosh, this guy went through hell in the military. He’s, you know, injured, he’s got all these, these issues and, and the military didn’t do anything to help him. Why would I wanna sign up to, to join a service that is going to like, [00:17:00] basically throw me out like trash. You know, even though that’s not the case, like the, the military will take care of you.

[00:17:05] The, the, the VA and stuff, they will take care of you. It’s just you’re not taking up the, the, the the offer that, that’s being put out there for you. And if you don’t take ’em up on that, that that’s kind of on your, kind of, on you. It’s your fault that you, you didn’t do that. But but then other people will start to see you and be like, well, shit, I don’t want to.

[00:17:23] Join a service that’s going to basically throw me out like a piece of garbage you know, use me and, and toss me out when I, when they’re, when I’m all used up. So, it kind of hurts that next generation of, of potential good soldiers or sailors, marines, airmen, you know, what have you. They, you know, it ruins those people who might otherwise join and, and you know, make a good career out of the military.

[00:17:45] And so you kinda have to look at it that way too. It’s like, you know what? Take, take the benefits you earned them and there’s, there’s no shame in taking tho those types of benefits, right?

[00:17:53] Robert Wheeler: Yeah, I mean definitely if you, you served, you know, people just do a three year contract. Some [00:18:00] people, you know, do 10 years, some people do 15 years. Some people retire. Like it doesn’t matter if something happened in your military, c career, sexual trauma abuse, you got injured, you were in war, regardless of, you don’t have to, you know, God forbid, lose a limb or get shot or.

[00:18:18] It’s not just combat related. There’s, you know, so much things that go on in the military that I guess civilians and, and the outside world doesn’t know about that. If it makes you feel any kind of way, it’s. Your duty, like you said, it’s your right to be able to apply for these benefits now, doesn’t mean you’re automatically gonna get them no, and sometimes you’re gonna have to fight like hell to get them and as VA medical perfect Hell no.

[00:18:43] But it is definitely better than having no medical at all, and the benefits there are better than having no benefits at all. So take advantage of whatever you can when you can. Yeah,

[00:18:53] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, no, absolutely. And I, I think that that was very well stated, and you’re right, you know, that there, it’s not perfect, but I don’t, quite [00:19:00] frankly, I, I, my, my wife goes to, you know, regular civilian doctors. Like, she’s not a, a veteran and they’re not perfect either. So, you know, there’s a lot of, there’s a lot of, you know, issues going on in, in the entire medical.

[00:19:11] Community. So I don’t think it’s just the VA that has issues. Right. So, so as far as, you know, your, your mental health side of things now you, you’ve obviously talked about that just a little bit there. As far as your, your, your physical health, you know, like fitness and, and things like that. Has that, has that helped you at all? Because you, you said, you know, you kind of ballooned up to you know, you know, much heavier weight and then, you know, obviously you did, did a little bit of work to get yourself back to, you know, a, a, a better physical condition. Did that seem to help your mental state at all?

[00:19:42] Robert Wheeler: all? Definitely. I mean, you know, as a personal development coach and, and former gym owner and someone that grew up playing sports, played college sports, you know, had to be in shape in the military always had that view of if you’re a police officer, you need to be in good shape.

[00:19:58] Just you can, you know, [00:20:00] survive depending the given situation. I always say, you know, fitness kind of saved my life. ’cause at that 300 pounds I could have continued to go down that path of just. Keep eating, keep, you know, not paying attention to nutrition and ingredients and the kind of workouts I was doing because I was always kinda like a big guy, muscular, but I was the kind of guy that was just like, oh, I’m just going to eat as many calories as I can.

[00:20:26] It doesn’t matter. I’m going to the gym. And it took a lot of education and a lot of ego, losing the ego to get where I’m at today. But. In my coaching, it goes fitness mindset, discipline. So fitness is the cornerstone of my life. I tell people all the time that the gym, going to the gym or doing some form of activity, it’s so much more than just looking good.

[00:20:50] The the mental benefits that it provides, the clarity that it provides. Some of my best ideas come to me when I’m in the gym by myself, headphones on, [00:21:00] just focused on that workout because. Nobody’s bothering me. I’m by myself in, in that moment in time, and I’m just doing the work and thinking about, okay, well who do I want to be my next podcast guest?

[00:21:12] Or who do I wanna fricking write my journal for or put my coaching out to? And you know, it just gives me clarity. Like fitness is, I think is the found of youth. I think, you know, I, I have a old way, I tell people all the time, I, I kinda have this old way of thinking of what a man. Should be as far as the whole hard to kill, you know, aspect of being in some kind of shape, having some sort of discipline.

[00:21:38] Know how to either hunt or use a gun or cook or, you know, different things to, you know, make men strong and men be men and, and get rid of this, you know, masculinity, BS because men are meant to protect, provide, and ade over their family. And that’s what I’m trying to build in my communities.

[00:21:57] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And I, I think a [00:22:00] lot of the the culture has kind of shifted away from that where it’s, it’s kind of more like the softer, weaker side of things is seen as what people are, are desiring maybe in, in, in themselves or whatever. But it ultimately, you’re gonna. I think you’re gonna start to feel like you’re, you’re missing something on the inside, right?

[00:22:20] Like, because that’s your, your purpose is like what you said. It’s, it’s there to provide and protect and, and, and all that. And if you’re not capable of doing those things, then. I mean, it’s one thing to just choose not to do those things for whatever reason. I don’t want to start a family. I don’t, you know, whatever.

[00:22:38] Okay, that’s, that’s on you, that that’s your choice. But if you don’t even have the ability to to protect or provide for, for people that’s gotta wear you down on the inside, I would think. Right.

[00:22:50] Robert Wheeler: Well, one of the, the craziest things I think I ever saw, and, and I don’t remember where I’ve seen it, ’cause I saw it a long time ago.

[00:22:56] This guy was talking, they were interviewing him. He was like [00:23:00] a, he was a career criminal. He would aduc children, right? Of all things. One of the worst of the worst people. And he said, plain as day. If someone looks like they’re outta shape, if they look like they’re soft, then they’re my target. He wasn’t going after fathers that were jacked or had some kind of muscle mass on them or looked, you know, dangerous.

[00:23:20] He was going after the parents that weren’t paying attention and was like, okay, I got you and I can get your kid. And that’s a very scary realization, especially, you know, if you’re a father. I have have three kids and I always pride myself on even when they were younger. Two of my kids are adults now, being able to.

[00:23:36] Protect them by all means necessary if I had to. I mean, that’s a father’s love right there. It’s not, and when I talk about like old school way of thinking and masculinity, I also talk about kind of a hybrid model where I consider myself a pretty manly dude. Most people walk away from me on the street.

[00:23:57] I’m actually a pretty nice guy. I’m a big teddy [00:24:00] bear, a softie once you get to know me. But I just have that look I guess of. Leave me alone. I always get asked if I’m a professional fighter or something, or an athlete or you know, I go to Home Depot and the guy’s like, damn, you’re huge. And you know, I like that.

[00:24:15] Like, yeah, I wanna be intimidating even though I’m not an intimidating guy. But it just, I, I don’t know, like I just, at the same time, I can be vulnerable. Like I can cry if I have to. I can cry in front of my wife if I see something on tv. That makes me sad. I, I think people are too caught up on the, it’s either you are vulnerable, emotional, or you’re tough and you’re quiet.

[00:24:39] And a silent man, a man that acts like nothing’s bothering him, that’s a dangerous thing because that man is going through issues. That man needs some sort of help that man is lost. So trying to build the break, the stigma of vulnerability and letting people know that, look. Like you can be a man’s man and you can still have emotions and you can still [00:25:00] dance with your daughter if you want to, and you can act silly and goofy.

[00:25:03] It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you less of a man.

[00:25:06] Scott DeLuzio: Right. And I think the, the, the point of all of that is you’re. Your ability to be intimidating is there, right? It doesn’t mean that you have to be intimidating all the time, that you have to be a, a jackass to people and you have to, you know, you don’t need to do any of that, but you could, if. If the situation warrants Right.

[00:25:27] And I know I have my, my wife and I joke around that, that like, she’ll go someplace, you know, she’ll go get the mail, you know, walk to the end of the street, get the mail, and and it takes her 45 minutes ’cause she’s stopping and talking to all the neighbors and all that stuff. And, and for me, I’m, I’m back in like two minutes because nobody wants to talk to me.

[00:25:44] ’cause I just, I guess I just have that look on my face that nobody wants to talk. And, and here I am hosting a podcast. So it’s kinda like a captive audience.

[00:25:51] Robert Wheeler: I mean, don’t get me wrong. Like I’m, I’m a very, very proper, like even this morning I needed something out of a case in Walmart and I’m [00:26:00] asking the guy, good morning, how are you doing? Could you please get this for me? I’m not like getting the case and get me this now.

[00:26:06] Like, no, I’m, I’m very nice and cordial and hold doors open for people and help people when I can. And that’s that whole totality of, of being a man.

[00:26:15] Scott DeLuzio: Right, exactly. And I, and I think there, there’s, there’s a lot of things that go into that and it, it’s, it’s complex and there’s a lot of kind of moving pieces, but I, I think you know, a, a piece of it is gotta be also disciplined too. That, that goes into it. And you know, I know, I try to be as disciplined as I can be.

[00:26:33] And, you know, we’re all human. We are, we’re all gonna make mistakes. But I, I try to be as disciplined as I can and be consistent with it. And I, I find that for me, when I’m having a day where the motivation is just not there, if I’m disciplined and this is my routine, I, I, you know, I wake up at, at this time and I go to the gym and I do, I exercise and I do this type of thing.

[00:26:55] I’m gonna do it whether I’m motivated to do it or not, just ’cause it’s part of my routine and it, [00:27:00] it’s just gonna be that thing that I do. And it’s a lot harder for me to just stay in bed and snooze the alarm and, and keep sleeping when it’s that thing that I just do every single day. Right. And I, I gotta imagine discipline plays a role in all of that, right?

[00:27:16] Robert Wheeler: I mean, definitely. You know, second pillar of my coaching, and I’m, I wanna tell like the public this, if you have mental health issues, I know it’s not easy. Like if you don’t have mental health issues, it’s not easy. But if you have mental health issues, it’s not easy. There’s some days where I just have a really bad day, I have a really bad, low depressed day, and I may not get.

[00:27:37] Necessarily everything done, but with the discipline, I have more good days than bad. And, and that’s the key, is to be that 1% better every day. If I, if it wasn’t for discipline, I wouldn’t be on the show with you right now. I wouldn’t be hosting my own podcast because being, you know, disabled vet student, I could just focus on that.

[00:27:58] Be home playing video games right [00:28:00] now or watching TV or just wasting my time. But as a man that wants to help as many people as possible, as a man that wants to leave something to, to my kids and leave my mark on the world, so to speak, discipline is literally the only thing. That keeps me, I’m never motivated to do anything.

[00:28:19] I mean, I’m 47 years old. I’m tired all the time. You know, it, it’s always something. My wife’s a teacher. She comes home, she wants to vent about how, you know, Johnny called her a bad name or something, and then you have, you know, responsibilities you have to take care of. Motivation is never a word in my, my repertoire, so to

[00:28:38] Scott DeLuzio: Sure, sure. Yeah. No, and I, I, I hear where you’re coming from. I’m, I’m, we’re not too far off age wise, and, and I, I kind of feel the same way. It’s like I, I, I’m not always motivated to do things, but. When I have that, that discipline kind of built in, I mean even even this podcast, I started this podcast a little over six years ago now, and I’ve been consistent [00:29:00] every single week putting out.

[00:29:01] At least one episode. And I, I eventually switched to two episodes a week, and it’s been consistent and I, I haven’t missed that because I, I built in that discipline that it’s like, this is what I’m going to do. And I, I feel like if I ever missed a week and I just didn’t put something out, that would probably just be the end of it and I just wouldn’t do anymore because I, I.

[00:29:19] It will all just fall apart. And so that, that kind of keeps me going and, and keeps the, the discipline there. Because I don’t want it to end. I want to, I wanna keep doing it ’cause I, I want to help our, our fellow veterans and, and their families and everything like that because you know, we quite frankly, we lose too many of them.

[00:29:35] And, and that’s why this show exists is so that we can, we can help where we can you know. Give the right resources and the right, you know, tips and strategies and mindset and, and all that kind of stuff that we, we might need. And you know, I know we go through a lot of pain, especially the, like you mentioned before, people who go through you know, mental health issues.

[00:29:54] You know, life’s tough as it is and, and then you have that added on top of it that, that just makes things [00:30:00] so much harder. But sometimes you can, you can take that pain and you can kind of transform it into. Something better, something to kind of propel you forward. You were saying, you know, if you get 1% better every day that 1% better doesn’t come with a little bit of sacrifice.

[00:30:15] And so, you know, I, I gotta imagine some pain is, is okay. And, and we can, we can work through that. But, but we learning how to manage that and, and do the right things and not let that take control of everything is, is important too. Right.

[00:30:29] Robert Wheeler: We have to use, so my whole shtick or mantra, everything I do is based on the principle of turning pain into progress. And when I say pain into progress, I don’t mean necessarily physical pain or even emotional pain, it’s just more discomfort than anything. We found that if you’re comfortable, right? If you’re just comfortable all the time, and if you wanna live that way and kind of, I guess, you know, I’m gonna show my age in that matrix, stuck in the matrix all the time, just kind of going day by day and you’re happy, hey, that’s what [00:31:00] works for you.

[00:31:00] But for other people that. Realize crap, I’m gonna die someday, and I, I need to do as much as possible and live as the best possible way that I can. For me, you have to embrace the darkness. I was a very. Dark, negative person for a very, very, very long time. Everything was bad, every day was bad. My current wife now used to say like that, pretty much I was IOR from Winnie the Pooh.

[00:31:25] I was just getting up. The rain cloud was already over my head and I started to learn. I’m like, every time I said I was gonna have a bad day, guess what? I had a bad day. Every time I said I was gonna have a good day, I didn’t always have a good day, but I didn’t necessarily have a bad day either. And it was just that. Change in thought that reframing things. You know, I always tell people, even when I coach ’em and it’s like they don’t believe me, the simplest things in life always tend to work. So, you know, for me, initially practice and I still practice gratitude, but gratitude was huge for me. I was the guy, [00:32:00] how come I don’t have this house?

[00:32:01] How come I don’t have that car? How come. I don’t have the 20,000 followers on Instagram. How come? No one’s given me the light? The, the thing that everybody kind of falls in this trap nowadays. And then I was like, well, crap, I have a pretty nice house. I live in a gated community in Florida. I have a newer vehicle that I can drive that has a warranty if anything happens to it.

[00:32:22] I have, you know, pets in my life, kids in my life that they all love me and wanna spend time with me. My, my wife. So fricking amazing and just meditating on that every night before I go to bed, whether that’s prayer or just meditating on that, that right there was just such a huge, huge game changer for me.

[00:32:46] And then the positive affirmations when I start going down that downward PA path, like even today. And I, I say some funny things. So I’m in the gym today and I’m saying over and over again, I’m gonna be, I say. I’m gonna be as big as Joe Rogan. I’m gonna make a million [00:33:00] dollars and I’m gonna help as many people as possible.

[00:33:02] And I’m just saying that as I’m doing bicep curls in the gym to myself, and there’s just something beautiful and special about when you put that out into the universe. Like I had a neuroscience on my show and, and I literally asked him, I’m like, look, if I put all this negative shit out there. Is my brain gonna think that everything’s negative?

[00:33:19] And he’s like, yes. And I said, okay. So if I put everything out there that’s positive and think everything’s positive, is my brain gonna think it’s positive? And he is like, yes. And I’m like, then why am I angry and upset and mad all the time? Why am I so negative all the time? And so, like that shift right there that was huge, man.

[00:33:37] That, that was just like everything for me. So,

[00:33:40] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, because if, if everything. Is negative and, and depressing and sad and, and just awful. And you’re giving that energy off. It’s kind of hard for you to think of anything else. It’s hard, hard for you to think of something positive. And as you’re talking you’re, you’re saying how, [00:34:00] you know gratitude was a big thing for you and that you know, you have people who love you and, and there are good things in your life and, and you’re, you started mentioning some of those and I started putting myself in in the.

[00:34:11] The shoes of one of the listeners, just, you know, a generic listener. I don’t know who’s actually listening to this episode right now, but I can, I can imagine someone sitting there, it’s like, yeah, I got that too. But, and then they were gonna continue, but, and, and kind of turn it around into something negative.

[00:34:28] And I think the, the key there is to kind of stop it at that. But if you’re, if you’re having that kind of thought and just like, you know what, just shut up. Stop at, at, but, and don’t even get to the, but don’t, you know, just, just. Hey, you got, you got someone who loves you. Leave it at that. And, and you don’t need to keep going down that negative spiral of, of all that other crap that you might have these thoughts in your head.

[00:34:54] And I, I struggle with this too. You know, the, the, these are the way the way my mind works is, is I [00:35:00] live in the, after the, but you know, world and, and that’s like not the place to be. But I’ve, I’ve started to learn that. By just stopping it there and just, you know, just tell yourself shut up or, or whatever you gotta tell yourself.

[00:35:12] Just, just stop it right at that point and, and just live there and just sit with the, the good stuff for a little bit. And then it starts to become a little bit easier and a little bit easier to accept that there are good things in your life. And I, I think everyone can probably point to some good things in their life and, and some people have more than others and that, that’s understandable.

[00:35:33] And I, you know, we’re not all the same. But.

[00:35:35] Robert Wheeler: but.

[00:35:36] Scott DeLuzio: But you can always point to something that’s good and you could find something to, to kind of hold onto that keeps you in the, the good side, you know, on, on the earlier side of the, but if you will, you know, so it’s hard to do, but with practice, you can start to help yourself.

[00:35:55] Stop living in, in the wrong side of, of that, but if you [00:36:00] will. And so, I think that that’s one tool for me anyways that I’ve used is, is just in my head. I just tell myself, shut up. It’s like, stop, stop with this, this nonsense because it, it’s not helpful. And you know, quite frankly, a lot of times it’s not even true.

[00:36:13] You know, there might be a little sliver of truth, but it’s like. Really more me just being negative. And, and that’s, that’s not where you wanna live. And, and so, you know, I, I just tell myself, Hey, knock it off. Take, take the compliment. Take the win, and, and move on from there. Right. Are there any other s.

[00:36:31] Tools or, or strategies or things like that that that you’ve found helpful or, or even with some of the folks that you work with, that, that, that have been helpful for dealing with things like anxiety or trauma or depression, burnout, all those kind of things.

[00:36:44] Robert Wheeler: Yeah, definitely. So, you know, first of all, stay tuned guys for our co-written book called Tell Yourself to Shut Up The Ultimate Guide to talking to Yourself in a positive Manner.

[00:36:54] No I mean, there’s a lot of things out there I think. I, I really like that. Tell yourself to shut up [00:37:00] because I find myself having to do that a lot of times. There’s a lot of times where like I just, I don’t know why and I don’t know if it’s ’cause of the negativity or my upbringing or my parents.

[00:37:09] I’m just a born complainer. Like I just, I tend to complain about everything and I have to tell myself a lot of times like, dude, shut up. Like, what are you complaining about? Like, why are you getting so. Upset or right over that. And that goes into one of the things that I love to teach, especially to veterans of first responder communities.

[00:37:30] And that’s that emotional regulation, that emotional regulation and reframing how we say things and see things. Those two things right there are huge in the personal development mindset space, because. I am the kind of guy, for example, that if somebody would cut me off, I would get mad, I would probably honk at them, I would get on their ass, I would flip ’em off.

[00:37:53] Little bit of road rage, nothing where I’m gonna try to kill anybody, obviously, but stuff that still isn’t very healthy, isn’t [00:38:00] very good. Same thing where if someone messed up my order, I would probably, like, I tell people all the time, like what I would call ’em is adult temper tantrums. I would throw these adult temper tantrums where.

[00:38:12] Coach Rob isn’t getting his way and he’s upset and he’s angry, but he’s not angry at the external factor. He is angry on the internal factor. So that’s that emotional regulation where we have to learn that you have to, you know, take that step. Like you said, tell yourself to shut up or just stop. So taking a pause or a break or some sort of deep breath and realizing like, okay, this dude’s in a rush that’s on him.

[00:38:37] I’m okay. Nothing, you know, I didn’t get into an accident. I’m not losing any time getting to where I need to go. Like chill out. And then usually if you can. Get pick up on that trigger, like, and it’s practice obviously, but if you can pick up on that trigger that right before you’re about to get upset, maybe you start to feel your muscles tense up or you know, you start to feel like an overwhelmed heat in your [00:39:00] body, or you’re getting ready to throw that bird or that cuss word.

[00:39:03] If you can catch that and just briefly pause, take a couple deep breaths, and then you can get back to what you were doing. And I learned unfortunately, too late because I wish I had this a lot sooner. You, you only have so much energy in a day. Just like you only have so much time in a day. And I tell people this all the time, are you gonna spend this injury, this energy, cutting people off, yelling, screaming, being nasty, getting to work?

[00:39:29] And maybe that boss gives you that email you don’t like, and you’re smacking your computer and you’re just like, you know, f my life, everything sucks. Or you’re gonna put that energy into getting a promotion, getting in shape, being a better husband, a better mother, a better parent. You have to essentially take that energy and harness it for good and, and try to block out all that bad stuff so you can be positive.

[00:39:53] So emotional regulation, and then the reframing is just statements. Like if I say, [00:40:00] man, I don’t know if I can do this. I can do this. I won’t do this to, I’m going to do this. Making those positive statements and then taking action on that so you can move forward with your life.

[00:40:14] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. I, I, I think that that’s all great advice. And, and just being able in, in my case, sometimes just being able to distract yourself enough from that situation to be able to focus on.

[00:40:27] Robert Wheeler: on

[00:40:28] Scott DeLuzio: The good things and or, or at least not focus on tho those negative things is, is helpful as well. There, there was someone a while ago who, who said this to me.

[00:40:39] I, I apologize because I forget who it was who said this, and, and this may be a, a commonly known thing anyways, but

[00:40:45] Say hypothetically someone gave you, and I’m gonna give you a very specific number and it’s gonna sound weird, but stick with me till the end. And it’ll make sense.

[00:40:53] Robert Wheeler: sense.

[00:40:53] Scott DeLuzio: Let’s say someone gave you $86,400 right now today, and someone came [00:41:00] around and stole 10 bucks from that stack of money,

[00:41:03] Robert Wheeler: money,

[00:41:04] Scott DeLuzio: would you throw away the rest of the $86,390 to go chase after that 10 bucks?

[00:41:11] Robert Wheeler: Of course not.

[00:41:12] Scott DeLuzio: course not. Right. That would be ridiculous. You’d be like, okay, well, you know, it’s, it’s 10 bucks. Not that, not the big, not the end of the world, right? It’s, I still got a ton more money left. Right. But think about it this way, there’s 86,400 seconds in a day. If someone cuts you off in traffic in, you know, 10 seconds or, or, or so, you know, just screws up those 10 seconds of your life, are you gonna really throw away the rest of the day?

[00:41:35] Because that one jackass decided to screw up 10 seconds of it and,

[00:41:39] Robert Wheeler: to. I used to all the time, but

[00:41:42] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And, and so it’s, I think going along the lines of what you’re saying is that like you, you don’t want to you don’t wanna throw away. All the good, right? I mean, you still got, you know, $86,390. That’s still a, a good chunk of change.

[00:41:56] And just keep this in mind. You get that same, same [00:42:00] dollar amount the next day and the day after that, and the day after that. And God would, would, wouldn’t that be nice? But, you know.

[00:42:05] Robert Wheeler: interest.

[00:42:06] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. Right. But, but you only have you know that, that. That amount is, is finite. And, and you only have so many seconds in a day to enjoy and, and to do something positive and good with.

[00:42:19] And if you’re gonna throw those, those seconds away because you decide to get pissed off and angry and, and you know, start flipping the bird or, or cussing at someone or whatever, it’s like, okay, well you could, that’s just taking away from your own enjoyment of life and you could be doing something better with that.

[00:42:37] And. You know, I’m, I’m guilty of this too, and I, I, I don’t always do the best at this and I, I, I need to, you know, work on that as well. But it’s, it’s a good way to, to kind of frame it because you, you don’t wanna just throw away the, the good time that you have left, you know? Yeah, sure. Someone might have screwed up 10 seconds of your life.

[00:42:58] Alright, well, oh [00:43:00] well, not a big deal. Move on and, and enjoy what, what you have left. Right.

[00:43:04] Robert Wheeler: I’ll give you a, I’ll give you like a quick story so. I live probably 15, 20 minutes max from my gym. And so going to my gym is literally just a straight route. You can take one street all the way up, you make a left, and then pretty much you’re at the gym. Well, they’ve been doing massive, massive, massive amounts of construction on this street for it seems like forever now.

[00:43:27] I, I wonder if they’re ever gonna get it done, and I found myself every time driving to the gym. And every time going home and you know, I’m the kind of guy like, okay, I do a lot of time blocking, so I’m gonna work out from six to seven and then from seven to eight first meal because that’s the structure that works for me.

[00:43:44] And I found myself like just getting so angry because obviously traffic’s down to one lane on both sides of the street. Now you’re, now you’re incorporating school schools back in session. So school traffic and I’m just like. Now, this 15 minute drive to the gym takes me 30 [00:44:00] minutes. Right? And I’m just like, man, like I’m complaining.

[00:44:03] I’m like, this sucks. Like, and I’m so locked in on always going straight, always going straight, always going straight. And I say this because at one point I’m like, I’m just gonna go around the traffic. Well, it take me 30 minutes. No. Will it take me maybe an extra two minutes, three minutes? Yes. But going around that traffic, finding that other direction, instead of being in the middle of being pissed off. Ease my mind so much and all. All it is is I just make a, right before the construction, I go up a street, I make a left, and I’m through the construction and I’m back on my way. And so sometimes, you know, you have to go out of your way. You have to find, it’s not always gonna be a straight line. Sometimes you have to go around, sometimes you have to go under, sometimes you have to go over.

[00:44:45] Sometimes there’s just a different path. You just gotta get outta that insanity loop of always being stuck, of going straight down the middle, straight down the middle, straight down the middle. Yeah,

[00:44:52] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And, and getting out of your own way is important because like in, in your case, it was really you who was [00:45:00] preventing you from getting to your destination sooner. It wasn’t the construction because there was another option. You just. Weren’t taking it. And

[00:45:07] Robert Wheeler: up earlier too.

[00:45:08] Scott DeLuzio: you could have, right. Yeah. There, there’s a lot of options there that you could have done to control that and, and give yourself more time you know, realizing that, okay, yeah, it’s gonna take me an extra bit of time to drive to and from you know, the gym.

[00:45:21] All right, well then I just either get up earlier or find a different way and or, or, or, you know, there, there’s probably some other options that are out there too. But don’t just get stubborn and just keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. ’cause it’s not gonna happen.

[00:45:36] Right? Yeah.

[00:45:36] Robert Wheeler: do it all the time.

[00:45:37] Scott DeLuzio: and, and eventually the, the construction’s gonna go away and you can go back to your old route if you want. And, and that’s, that’s great. But. You, you know, in the meantime, that’s, that’s not the case. So you, you gotta do something different or just deal with the fact that it’s not going to be exactly ideal and you know that that’s gonna be, those are your choices.

[00:45:57] You either do something different or deal with it [00:46:00] and, and don’t do something different, I guess. Right. You know, so I, I guess, you know, for someone who’s maybe just. Just starting to kind of focus on resilience and, and improving themselves, bettering themselves. If you had one thing that you could say to them to, to kind of help, help them along their way what, what would that piece of advice be?

[00:46:20] Robert Wheeler: Take care of your, your, I say health and fitness. By, I mean health and fitness. I mean health, fitness and nutrition.

[00:46:26] It’s a, a complete package. Start there, you know, look at what you’re doing activity wise. Now, and I tell people this all the time, like, I’m a big gym guy. I like living, lifting heavy weights. I believe in strength and conditioning, like is my church. That’s the number one discipline for me as far as working out and longevity.

[00:46:46] But find something that you love, okay, that that’s the ultimate goal. Like if you love walking, walk every day, if you love swimming, swim, if you love bike riding, when I say health, fitness, and nutrition, it doesn’t have to be in the gym. Now, coach Rob would [00:47:00] prefer you to be in the gym, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

[00:47:03] The key to, I guess, bettering ourselves, whether you’re a man, woman, veteran. No matter what your age is you, you have to be happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel. And the only way to do that is change the things that suck. Your eating habits, your inactivity, your doom, scrolling on social media, not ever being outside or not socializing with people.

[00:47:25] You have to change those internal factors first before you can start working on everything else.

[00:47:30] Scott DeLuzio: Sure. Absolutely. I know you mentioned a few times your, your coaching business. Tell us a little bit about the, the business, what you do and, and the types of folks that you work with.

[00:47:38] Robert Wheeler: you work with. So I specialize in helping men 30 over get unstuck. So when I say unstuck, maybe you have some mental health issues, some relationship issues. Maybe you’re just, you know, you’ve been a father, you’ve been in the same company for 20 years, and you’re like, man, I’m, I’m going crazy.

[00:47:54] I want out. I’m the guy that you sit down with. And we start with fitness, then [00:48:00] mindset, then discipline. I look over at your overall health and fitness, see what you can do to start moving, start looking better, start feeling better. Then the mindset work. I have some. Curriculum that I created that looks at things that trigger you emotionally and mentally.

[00:48:16] I have journals that help you log your workouts and practice gratitude and breath work and different things. And then the discipline, because ultimately I want you to be able to. Do this by yourself. I, I wanna work myself out of the job. I don’t want to have one coaching client forever. Like, no. If I, if I’m not helping you do this on your own, then I’m not doing my job.

[00:48:38] And then on top of that, I have, so my brand’s called Battle Fitted. You can find [email protected] everywhere on social media at Battle fitted. So. It’s the coaching, then the battle fitted gear, the clothing, I think. Yeah, I’m wearing one of my older shirts, so the battle fitted clothing, and then the battle harder podcast, [00:49:00] which that’s, I guess I love podcasting so much because I get to tell these stories of people who went through so much worse hell than I ever did in my life.

[00:49:11] And then they get to tell their stories on why they decided not to give up. And I think. Like us doing this podcast and, and the stuff we’re trying to put out there. I always think back to, you know, storytelling days before tv, before radio, you know, ancient Greece philosophers, they would just talk to each other.

[00:49:30] They would socialize. And now we have the technology to literally socialize with anybody around the world. And I’m finding that for those out there, if you feel struck, stuck, or struggling. You’re more than resilient than you think, believe me, because I have these people that have been beaten, sexually abused.

[00:49:50] I had a guy that had cancer that ran a fricking iron man during. Stage four cancer. Like the, the, the mindset, the, our [00:50:00] mind we’re so resilient. So being able to tell these stories, I, I love that. That’s a huge passion project of mine because I, I love when people come and maybe they resonate with the woman who had an emotional eating disorder and they reach out to her and they get the help and.

[00:50:13] That’s what it is. Mainly I just have this service mindset. That’s why initially I became a police officer. That’s why I’m a coach now. I just, I wanna help as many people as possible.

[00:50:23] Scott DeLuzio: And it’s awesome. It, it sounds like that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re, you’re definitely on the, on the right track anyways. And you know, your, your your message out there that you delivered today, and I’m, I’m sure throughout your podcast and your coaching work that you do is a. Is one of positivity.

[00:50:39] It, it’s one of encouragement. It’s it’s hope. And you know, I, I think it’s something that. More people need to hear and you know, keep doing what you’re doing because I, I think it’s definitely, definitely gonna be helping some, some people you know, obviously now and, and, and into the future.

[00:50:55] So, so thank you so much for coming on the, the show and, and sharing, you know, [00:51:00] what you do and, and you know, all the, all these tips and strategies and everything that we, we talked about today, it’s really been a pleasurable conversation. I’m, I’m glad that you were able to come on and share it with us.

[00:51:10] Robert Wheeler: Thank you. It was a joy to be here. I love being able to talk about everything and in between, which I think we covered quite a bit today,

[00:51:16] Scott DeLuzio: We did. Yeah, absolutely. So thanks so much.

[00:51:19] Robert Wheeler: No worries.