Episode 538 Ashley Sylvester The Warning Signs Military and Veteran Families Can’t Afford to Miss Transcript
This transcript is from episode 538 with guest Ashley Sylvester.
[00:00:00] Scott DeLuzio: Before we get started with this episode, I wanna let you know that this conversation will touch on topics of suicide. So if that is something that hits a little bit too close to home for you or something that you have a little trouble with, uh, please take care of yourself as you listen to this episode.
[00:00:17] And you know, if it’s something, if it’s more than you can, can handle for certainly we understand that and, and, uh, catch you at the next episode. In this episode, we’re gonna talk a lot about the weight that we carry home after deployments, the sleepless nights, the outbursts that we don’t even recognize are happening the way that our families sometimes get the fallout of things that maybe we just can’t explain.
[00:00:40] There, there’s pain there and there’s also ways to start recognizing these warning signs sooner either in ourselves or in a, in a loved one. Recognizing it earlier, opened up the doors to conversations that sometimes might feel impossible. Maybe it’s due to your job or security clearances. [00:01:00] And, and we can push for changes in ourselves or in our loved ones that make the support more accessible without risking these careers or, or security clearances.
[00:01:10] That’s a hope. Anyways Ashley Sil Sylvester, our guest today, lived through all of this alongside her late husband, army Sergeant Jason Sylvester. In the episode, she opens up about the deployments he went on the walls that went up at home, the warning signs that she noticed, and the heartbreak of losing him.
[00:01:28] Her story isn’t an easy one to tell, and I definitely commend her for coming on and being able to share the story. Um, but it’s a real story. And they’re real people and it’s not something that just happens to other people. It’s exactly the kind of story and honesty that we need to hear and we need to talk about these things more.
[00:01:49] So I’m glad to be able to have Ashley on the show. Before we get into the episode, though as I do on a lot of episodes, I, I do wanna take a moment to raise awareness for something that’s deeply important to me, and I [00:02:00] think to a lot of us in our community here. The, uh, global War on Terrorism Memorial Foundation, uh, is an organization that is working to build a permanent national memorial in Washington DC to honor the service members, families, and the civilians who are impacted by the global war on terrorism.
[00:02:16] This memorial will serve as both a tribute to those who served and. As a way to ensure that their sacrifices are recognized and remembered for generations to come. If you would like to learn more about the memorial or find out how you can support their mission, visit GWOT memorial foundation.org.
[00:02:32] Now, let’s get into today’s episode. .
[00:02:35]
[00:02:49] Scott DeLuzio: Hey, Ashley, welcome to the show. I’m really glad to have you here. I’m looking forward to our conversation for you to be able to share your, your story, your family story with us today. But yeah, first off, welcome to the show. [00:03:00] Thank
[00:03:00] Ashley Sylvester: Thank
[00:03:01] you.
[00:03:01] so much for
[00:03:02] having me, Scott. I appreciate it.
[00:03:04] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, you bet. So,
[00:03:06] you know, this conversation just for the listeners talking about you know, we’re gonna talk about your, your husband and and, and kind of stuff that went on with him.
[00:03:13] I’m not gonna give too many, you know, spoiler alert kind of thing right now. I’m, I I, I’m gonna let you kind of fill in some of the blanks on, on all that. But before we, we kind of dive into his story, tell us a little bit about your husband kind of his background and you know, where, where he serves, that type of thing.
[00:03:28] And then you know, all that, that kind of stuff, and that, that way we just kind of have a general idea of, you know, who, who, who it is that we’re talking about here.
[00:03:36] Ashley Sylvester: Yes. My late husband was US Army Sergeant Jason Sylvester, and he we both were from the s small towns of rural areas of Oklahoma. So we. Didn’t really know each other growing up, but our, we were friends of friends and we ended up dating [00:04:00] in early 2000. And he entered into the United States Army going to Fort Jackson for his basics.
[00:04:09] And initially had signed up for, intel analyst work and was very excited about that. He, he wanted to do something for our country, so he wanted to serve and it was a conversation that we had at a very early age him entering into the military. But Wanted to do something with himself also and do something for our country. And he felt really compelled after high school to, serve in the military. He brilliant, brilliant young man. And when we first started dating, he. Was I unbeknownst to me, he told everybody I’m, I’m gonna marry her. It was really super cute.
[00:04:53] I didn’t know that until right before we got married. But people around were talking like, you know, he said he was [00:05:00] gonna marry you a long time ago, but didn’t even know it. But. And he even told my brothers that he
[00:05:06] he was really good friends with my brothers.
[00:05:07] So,
[00:05:08] Scott DeLuzio: That’s awesome.
[00:05:09] Ashley Sylvester: yeah, he, he served in the United States Army and some of the places that we went
[00:05:17] were our first duty station was
[00:05:18] in Germany,
[00:05:19] Scott DeLuzio: Okay.
[00:05:20] Ashley Sylvester: he was really excited about that. Vilsack, Germany, shout out. So, we were there for almost four years. Four years, serving over in Vilsack, Germany. We got to know the community very well. And while we were in Germany, he deployed, his first deployment was to Kosovo almost a year. Deployment wasn’t near as taxing on his. Mins as the next deployment. While we were in Germany for those four years. His second deployment was for a year to Iraq. It was the second round of [00:06:00] deployments to Iraq. So he, that one was the one that was a bit of a doozy. I say that and loosely, but he really was affected by that first deployment to Iraq, which is was his
[00:06:13] second year deployment.
[00:06:15] Scott DeLuzio: So,
[00:06:16] oh, yeah, yeah. No, I, so I, you, you mentioned how there, there’s kind of a, a, a difference, like the Kosovo deployment was, was not so bad you know, for, for him, but then the Iraq deployment was, was a little bit worse. And I I, I just have to have to ask like kind of, like was there any. Kind of attitude changes or, you know, things like that that, you know, personality changes.
[00:06:40] I, I, I guess, I mean, or, or behaviors. You know, maybe like from what he was before going on that deployment to what he was after, like that, that were you know, kind of things that, that stood out to you like, like, whoa, where, where’s this coming from? You know, that type of thing.
[00:06:53] Ashley Sylvester: Yes. That, well, I wanna say that first deployment was, effective. [00:07:00] It, it did that first 10 months to Kosovo was effective for him. He he did end up coming back, having a hard time sleeping, and it was just the first of many signs that I had seen of having hardships from post-traumatic stress up in the middle of the night, having bad dreams, remembering things that he had to do there, but. Like you said there, you know, from that first deployment to the second deployment, which was to Iraq for a year, that was significantly a huge change. I witnessed several things of his, his demeanor, his patterns, his behaviors were significantly different after that. It was much more than just having bad dreams.
[00:07:46] It was much more than, not being able to sleep or I was noticing even more so of a hypervigilance, so to speak, and remembering things that happened to battle buddies things that he couldn’t talk [00:08:00] to me about. It, it was very
[00:08:02] significant of a change I noticed.
[00:08:04] Scott DeLuzio: Now were, were they things you said, things that he couldn’t talk to you about? Were they things that he couldn’t talk to you about or, or just wouldn’t talk to you about?
[00:08:11] Ashley Sylvester: Both. a
[00:08:12] Scott DeLuzio: both. Okay.
[00:08:12] Ashley Sylvester: of both. He did have things that he could not talk to me about
[00:08:16] being an in in Intel analyst in Special Operations Command. He really couldn’t talk about a majority of things that their operations were their exercises or what their
[00:08:27] jobs were.
[00:08:28] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:08:28] Ashley Sylvester: There were. Several things that he had to do that I didn’t know where he was or I may not hear from him for days.
[00:08:35] And being a young military wife, I didn’t really realize the magnitude. Looking back on it now, it’s it was concerning. It, it is concerning for some of these younger military wives and, and soldiers that are going through the same thing
[00:08:53] right now that
[00:08:53] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:08:54] Ashley Sylvester: through. 12, 15 years ago. One of those things [00:09:00] the significance of the progression that I saw in the characteristics, the demeanor, the behaviors, the hardships that came from just that second deployment,
[00:09:11] was
[00:09:12] significant.
[00:09:13] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, so I, I was asking about the the, the question it was it stuff that he couldn’t talk about or wouldn’t talk about. And the reason why I was asking is, ’cause, you know, you first off you mentioned he was in intelligence and so I, I gotta imagine there’s some classified things, but maybe that he literally just couldn’t talk about.
[00:09:29] You know, ’cause you don’t wanna be leaking that kind of information out to just anybody. And, and not that you’re just anybody, but like. You know, you know, without security clearances and all that kind of stuff, you, you don’t really wanna be talking about that. But
[00:09:41] Ashley Sylvester: Yeah.
[00:09:42] Scott DeLuzio: what I, what I think makes matters worse is that because he couldn’t talk about certain things you know, things that maybe he would be able to, I don’t wanna say unburden himself and, and like burden you or, or anything like that, but just.
[00:09:57] You know how, how life is, you know, you come back from [00:10:00] a, a tough day at work even, and sometimes you just need to vent and just get stuff off of your chest and, and have some, somebody there to just listen for five minutes just so you can get it off your chest. And, and maybe just process things too, you know, like sometimes you, you have stuff that you’re, you’re you got going on.
[00:10:20] And sometimes just the, the action of, of. Talking about it with somebody. Even if the other person doesn’t say a word and they’re just sitting there listening and you’re, you’re talking, sometimes that just helps you process the things in your head and, and make, help you make sense of the things that are, you know, a little, a little crazy in the world.
[00:10:41] Right? And,
[00:10:42] Ashley Sylvester: definitely agree
[00:10:43] with that.
[00:10:43] Scott DeLuzio: And I, I gotta imagine especially being in you know, the special operations community that you know, and, and especially during that time period, you know, back then mental health support was probably not a top priority in a lot of guys’ minds, right?
[00:10:57] Ashley Sylvester: Oh yes. It, it was definitely, and, [00:11:00] and again, to piggyback off of what you
[00:11:03] just said, they can’t really talk about
[00:11:06] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:06] Ashley Sylvester: they. It’s not that they actually wouldn’t, so much different in
[00:11:11] this realm of things where they
[00:11:13] can’t,
[00:11:13] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:11:14] Ashley Sylvester: it’s something about their operation or something that they, you know, have to practice good OPSEC So like, no giving the information out there for the enemy and all that stuff. So, it was a definite hardship and, and, and it speaks volumes that. You know, just like in everyday life you have someone
[00:11:32] to come home to and bounce things
[00:11:34] off of
[00:11:34] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:11:35] Ashley Sylvester: been through through the day and he couldn’t do that. And and if he went to speak with someone about it, then you know,
[00:11:43] there goes his top secret security
[00:11:44] clearance
[00:11:45] Scott DeLuzio: That’s right.
[00:11:45] Ashley Sylvester: to speak. So, and that’s a huge hardship for a lot of these guys. I’ve gotten on my soapbox about that that I feel like that, being in the field that I am in with counseling, [00:12:00] rehabilitation, and so on and so forth, and doing the grief counseling that I have for our kids, it is so imperative to be able to speak things that are on your chest and, and get them off and, and be able to process and transition to the next thing you know, and when they can’t because of their job livelihood.
[00:12:19] That takes a
[00:12:20] toll.
[00:12:21] Scott DeLuzio: Right.
[00:12:21] Ashley Sylvester: serious toll on their
[00:12:23] psyche.
[00:12:24] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, because then, then you’re, you’re just living with your own thoughts and, and you can’t tell that those thoughts to anybody really. And you know, I, I think a lot of our listeners can probably relate to this. Sometimes those thoughts aren’t the best thoughts to be living with especially all alone, you know, and,
[00:12:40] and you, you wanna be able to,
[00:12:42] You know, get some of those thoughts out and, and let them go to wherever they need to go.
[00:12:46] That’s not. Sit in between your ears and that that’s, that’s something that you, you need to be able to at times you need to be able to talk to someone about. And you know, for me as I’m listening to this, this story and, and kind of some of the, the [00:13:00] issues you know, even about just going to talk to a mental health provider about whatever it is that, that maybe is going on to me it, it seems like it would be such a simple solution to have a.
[00:13:14] A, just have a mental health provider who also has the same security clearance that can be.
[00:13:21] Can be you know, talked to about, you know, whatever the, these situations are. I don’t know, maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe, maybe I’m oversimplifying it, but to me it just seems like that would be a simple way to get around some of this and allow that.
[00:13:35] A lot of these people, especially in special operations, where they’re dealing with some high intensity stuff all the time
[00:13:43] and they, they gotta be able to, to.
[00:13:46] Ashley Sylvester: Let
[00:13:47] Scott DeLuzio: Talk. Let it out. Talk to someone. I mean, they’re human too. I know, I know. They’re, they’re like the superstars of the military. Like they’re, they’re they’re put up on that, that pedestal.
[00:13:55] Yeah, exactly. But, but,
[00:13:57] but gosh, they’re,
[00:13:58] Ashley Sylvester: anything on their
[00:13:59] shoulders.
[00:13:59] Scott DeLuzio: [00:14:00] they’re people just like everybody else, you know?
[00:14:02] Ashley Sylvester: beings.
[00:14:03] Yes.
[00:14:03] Scott DeLuzio: And, and it, it would actually be, be weird if they could just turn everything off and, and just be a, a, literally like a robot and.
[00:14:12] Ashley Sylvester: unnatural.
[00:14:13] Yeah.
[00:14:13] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, exactly. That, that as a matter of fact, if that’s how they are, I’m a little more concerned about that.
[00:14:18] If, if they can do that, you know? So, so that, that to me, just, I don’t know, we’re, we’re talking maybe too, too many steps ahead right now as far as solutions go and stuff like that. And I don’t know, maybe things are different now than they, they used to be, but you know, gosh, it just seems like to me that that’s such a simple solution.
[00:14:35] Maybe again, maybe I’m oversimplifying it, but,
[00:14:38] Ashley Sylvester: like that, you know, there are so many things in life that we make so
[00:14:43] much harder than what it really should be. If there’s something that works or something that can help, why don’t we go that
[00:14:50] avenue? Why don’t we try this?
[00:14:52] Scott DeLuzio: Right?
[00:14:53] Ashley Sylvester: have some strategies for it instead of just pushing it aside having military and the [00:15:00] soldiers deal with it in their own way.
[00:15:02] There should be something that is
[00:15:04] addressed even before as a
[00:15:05] preventative measure,
[00:15:06] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:15:07] Ashley Sylvester: you know, ’cause some of these soldiers are young, and when you get that top secret security clearance and you’re, let’s go do this for, you know, are things that need to be processed and transitioned into from one deployment to the next.
[00:15:20] And it, when you stack on which my late husband did four and the last two were to Afghanistan for 18 months each. So, when you stack all that on top and, and, and not really think about the long-term effect and we need to have a goal where we get these addressed, it’s, it’s. It’s
[00:15:42] mind boggling to me.
[00:15:44] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, it is. And, and the way I’ve thought about this type of scenario is kind of like if you’re, you’re wearing a backpack or a rucksack or something and you know, every. E every trauma or every, you know, kind of issue that you’re, you’re dealing with, you, you just kind of throw it in that, [00:16:00] in that ruck sack, you know, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll take care of it later, I’ll take care of it later.
[00:16:03] But when,
[00:16:05] when you don’t actually get the opportunity to take care of it and actually unpack that ruck sack, eventually you’re gonna collapse into the weight of it. You know, I, I don’t see any other way. I mean, I’ve, I’ve carried some really heavy rucksacks before and I’ve, I’ve, I’ve come damn close to, to almost collapsing, you know, under the weight of ’em.
[00:16:21] But, you know, it’s, you know, eventually you say, okay, there, there’s no more room. I can’t fit anymore. Some either somebody else is gonna have to carry it or we’re not gonna bring it, or or, you know, something else has to happen.
[00:16:32] Ashley Sylvester: that up because if someone else has to
[00:16:34] carry it, usually it’s your
[00:16:36] close knit
[00:16:37] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:16:38] Ashley Sylvester: And that’s the sad part about it, is not realizing or recognizing that’s what’s going
[00:16:44] to eventually
[00:16:45] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:16:47] Ashley Sylvester: And then because there, there was a state where I had built up walls and I kind of sheltered our boys from what was really going on while I was trying to help my husband at the time and, and [00:17:00] try to keep it how bad it was in front of them. It just ended up all crumbling down.
[00:17:06] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:17:06] Ashley Sylvester: right,
[00:17:07] you hit it
[00:17:08] right there.
[00:17:09] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:17:10] Ashley Sylvester: ended up starting to ask questions like, what’s going on? Why is dad this? And you know, it just, it was a, a ripple
[00:17:18] effect, severe.
[00:17:20] Scott DeLuzio: So, you know, all these issues compounding you know, eventually, I, I gotta imagine there were some maybe, warning sign signs that maybe stood out to you. And, and maybe things that seemed more off than they had been. You know, kind of in, as these things were accumulating, you know, what were some of those things that, that were kind of piling up for you?
[00:17:44] Ashley Sylvester: Oh, you know, the typical warning signs that they do talk about are very true. There are things where the soldier will distance from even family members or you know, outside family members, cousins, brothers [00:18:00] uncles, and so on and so forth. Some of their behaviors are different as far as every other day when he would come home, we
[00:18:10] would wonder, okay, what
[00:18:11] what version are we
[00:18:12] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:18:12] Ashley Sylvester: today? That was a huge, significant turn. You know, ’cause we could get happy, go lucky, let’s go grill. Let’s go here, let’s go there, let’s do this. And it was. Life was great. And then, you know, two days later it might be, you know, walking in the door and zombie fight and leave me alone and just horrific behavior. Or, you know, three days after that it could be coming home and, and, you know, being agitated, getting really loud and yelling and a hard time decompressing. Which was a huge thing for us. We always talked about decompressing and just, you know, having peace and quiet and [00:19:00] all that good stuff. It was, it was significantly hard
[00:19:04] because the, the boys were so
[00:19:06] young,
[00:19:06] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:19:08] Ashley Sylvester: when this was all transpiring and I just, like I said earlier, I tried to build walls where they would, you know, I
[00:19:14] I have to separate the
[00:19:16] two,
[00:19:16] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:19:17] Ashley Sylvester: you know, okay, let’s go do our homework, this, that, and the other. Let’s go right into this transition. And, you know, as soon as I see something flaring up, then I try to separate and, and do something for both parties and stuff, which was really hard. Because the, the boys would be really confused and question, and, you know, the older they got, the more they started to realize
[00:19:39] and ask questions.
[00:19:41] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. So next kind of logical step in my mind is, Hey, whatever is going on just, just ain’t working. And, and so in, in my mind anyways, it’s like, okay. If you’re doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, that’s kind of [00:20:00] the definition of insanity. Right. So were there any, any resources or any types of things at all that your husband was able to utilize and any kind of support systems, even within his, his own unit or, or you know, whoever he was serving with?
[00:20:13] Were there people there that he was able to, to talk with? And, and if so, like what, was it helpful at all? Or, or were there just not any resources that he could have used?
[00:20:22] Ashley Sylvester: Well, we did reach out to our chaplain and we did utilize our medical clinic on on base facilities and I tried so hard to encourage
[00:20:33] different avenues, even
[00:20:35] off the base, off the military installation because of the fact of, you know, the top secret security clearance, the field exercise. The fact that he didn’t want anyone knowing, you know, he would call me in middle day be in a full blown panic because there’s, you know, helicopters going over our base and he’s reliving something. Something that he had to do during [00:21:00] deployment, it was absolutely a huge red flag warning sign for me. So that is when I did highly encourage that we go talk to the chaplain and first and foremost,
[00:21:11] Because I knew at
[00:21:12] Scott DeLuzio: That
[00:21:12] Ashley Sylvester: okay, this is getting
[00:21:13] pretty severe.
[00:21:14] Scott DeLuzio: point,
[00:21:15] Ashley Sylvester: I don’t wanna tell him, you know, honey, this is not normal.
[00:21:19] Scott DeLuzio: right.
[00:21:20] Ashley Sylvester: you cannot say that type of wording. But it really, in my mind, I’m thinking, oh wow. We’re in America, you know, it’s 2012, whatever it was. And he’s thinking that, that he’s really revealing, that he’s thinking that he’s under attack. There’s something that he’s reliving and it’s not he can just bounce off of and bounce back from.
[00:21:44] And he’s at his desk and his workplace and they’re doing something with, you know, researching and,
[00:21:51] Scott DeLuzio: Right.
[00:21:51] Ashley Sylvester: tho those types of things that you can do on base are all great. They’re, they’re so good that they have those resources on base, but it was almost like a [00:22:00] level of fear for him that I had to strategically think of things off the base. There were even one, even one point in time where we have a son that’s on the autism spectrum. He has he had had services through TRICARE and I at one point in time said, okay. I’m gonna need your help Dr. So-and-so. I know this is appointment for, but he even knew that there were signs and you know, the boy’s dad that okay, you know, we probably
[00:22:29] do need to have like a
[00:22:30] family
[00:22:30] session
[00:22:31] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.
[00:22:32] Ashley Sylvester: and
[00:22:32] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.
[00:22:33] Ashley Sylvester: that.
[00:22:33] So it’s off the
[00:22:34] record
[00:22:35] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:22:35] Ashley Sylvester: and that was my strategy to do that. So he would not feel like he had to make an appointment, do this and talk about it, and reveal all this stuff all up here between his ears that he needs to get out. Because it
[00:22:48] was starting to affect our family at
[00:22:49] that point.
[00:22:50] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:22:50] Ashley Sylvester: And boys were asking questions again, like I said, so I thought, okay Doc, I’m gonna need your help. This is how we’re gonna do things because it’s not [00:23:00] just right here. It’s affecting the boys over here, and I’m gonna need your help with this. Know if that
[00:23:06] was wrong with me.
[00:23:07] Scott DeLuzio: No, I, you know, I don’t, I don’t think so. I mean, it sounds like. You, the outside of the box kind of thinking that you might need to do, right. If, if you have somebody who, you know, they’re, they’re worried they’re gonna lose their job or their, you know, their security clearance or whatever it is, and they’re just not willing to go the traditional route because that’s gonna put a big red flag on them and, and paint a target on their back.
[00:23:33] That’s, I mean, you kind of are put in that situation where you have to think outside the box.
[00:23:39] Ashley Sylvester: Yes.
[00:23:40] Scott DeLuzio: I mean, what else is there? And, and so, you know, I know there’s, there’s tons of organizations out there now, and which they may not have been around at the time, or maybe not all that well known. But they, they offer services you know, maybe it’s counseling service, maybe some other recreational type therapy or, or different things for [00:24:00] folks to do, and they don’t report to anybody. They don’t report to your chain of command or anything like that. It’s like, Hey, you need this. Come on in, and we’re not telling anybody unless, you know, it’s a, you know, a, a safety issue and they have to, you know, do that for, for safety purposes.
[00:24:13] But, you know, hey, come on in. And, and you know, I think those types of things are great because, you know, people like, like your husband or, you know, there’s, there’s pilots and other you know, fields in the military who if they’re seen going to, you know, a mental health appointment, it’s kind of looked at like, gee, I don’t know if you’re gonna be able to do your job anymore.
[00:24:31] And, and that, and that’s. I don’t know it.
[00:24:34] It’s
[00:24:35] terrible. Yeah.
[00:24:36] Ashley Sylvester: it’s really heartbreaking because there are so many other things that are going on within our society, our military, and and so on and so forth that are more detrimental.
[00:24:46] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:24:47] Ashley Sylvester: if these things are things that need to be addressed, I, I’m kind of old school like, okay, we need to nip this in the
[00:24:54] bud type of
[00:24:55] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.
[00:24:55] Ashley Sylvester: okay this is going on. We need to address it [00:25:00] and transition forward. And that’s what I work with, with my students every day. And you know, life is about. Hardships.
[00:25:07] It’s never going to be
[00:25:08] easy,
[00:25:08] Scott DeLuzio: Right.
[00:25:09] Ashley Sylvester: a whole different, like alien to be dealing with as a military wife, and to make the statement that it was tremendously hard to try to strategically maneuver things to help my husband, the boy’s dad would be an absolute understatement, complete understatement. the, the level of significant detriment that was going on for PTSD deployment stacked onto PTSD deployment, stacked, stacked on
[00:25:45] PTSD. You know, it was just stacking
[00:25:47] up on
[00:25:48] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:25:48] Ashley Sylvester: and I, I was witnessing it unfold right in front of my eyes and I, I just I have got to do something. What do I do? this is going to be [00:26:00] so. Such a nightmare. Such a nightmare. So I did strategically try to do things like that. I, I realized pretty early on that it was going to be more hard, and it was starting to bleed off into my shoulders and what I was, what was weighing on me and trying to take care of the kids.
[00:26:19] And, you know, every. In Intel world, you move every two years. You get new doctors for the kids, you get new schools for the kids, you get new services for the, it’s, it was tremendously hard. So, trying to strategically make those connections and resources and, and try to make it where it wouldn’t be such a hard decision for him to go ahead and let go and come and talk about what he
[00:26:45] needed to was hard.
[00:26:47] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, no, I’m, I’m, I’m sure, and you know, some of the things that you, you mentioned some of the kind of warning signs, you know, I, I get that. I, I, I’ve talked to plenty of people who’ve had very [00:27:00] similar you know, issues when, when they came back home. You know, personally, I, I, I was in a, a Walmart one day after, after coming back from Afghanistan.
[00:27:10] And I kind of panicked ’cause I didn’t know where my rifle was. And like, it was, it was just like one, one of those instinctual things. Like I carried my rifle with me everywhere. I mean, I just had it for, for so long with me basically 24 hours a day. And then all of a sudden now I, I don’t have it. It’s like, oh my God, where, where is it?
[00:27:29] And then, then I, I kinda like looked around and I realized like, oh, I’m, I’m home. I’m, I’m safe. I don’t, I don’t need it. I’m, I’m good. You know. Not only don’t, don’t I need it. I I I shouldn’t really have it here anyways. You know, that, that kind of thing. You know, PE people would probably gimme some looks if I was walking around with a, with an M four, walking around Walmart.
[00:27:47] But you know, anyways, you know, to me it was just, it was just like a an eyeopening thing. It’s like, like you really do get into, these, these patterns and, and these things that just like, this made me feel safe, [00:28:00] having my weapon with me. And then there was something, I don’t know what it was, it just made me feel unsafe.
[00:28:05] And it’s like, well, where the hell did the weapon go? And, and I, I need that to make almost like a, you know, a
[00:28:10] kid has like a, you know, a blanket or something that, that just gives him a little security or whatever. You know, that’s what it felt like to me is like, I, I just, I needed that thing for. You know, comfort or security or, or whatever.
[00:28:21] And, but, but I, so I, I can understand where those things kind of manifest and where they, they kind of come from you know, from my own experience. But there’s, there’s also that next step that like, it just gets. To be to the point where it’s like, I, I’m not even sure if we can drag this person back from, you know, the, wherever they are in their head.
[00:28:42] And you know, I, I think some of the, the resources that you said, I mean, you definitely need to do something. But
[00:28:48] Ashley Sylvester: and I, like
[00:28:49] you said earlier, I believe
[00:28:50] things have changed
[00:28:51] Scott DeLuzio: mm-hmm.
[00:28:52] Ashley Sylvester: You know, back then, years ago when I was dealing and going through this situation like I was,
[00:28:58] and I didn’t know where to,
[00:28:59] turn [00:29:00] to, and I
[00:29:00] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:29:00] Ashley Sylvester: to think of things, I, I believe that there are situations and organizations and things that have, you know, come up and better this, these type types of things and PTSD help
[00:29:13] and stuff on bases and
[00:29:15] even off
[00:29:16] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:29:17] Ashley Sylvester: have. Really kind of taking it up on their shoulders to help. I do know that the chaplain was very good about helping Jason with a lot of things that he could talk out. But as far as going the full detail and such hopefully they have changed. Some things on base where I can help with that, but I think you hit it right on the nail when, when you’re overseas and you are in this, you know, war zone, this situation where you know, it gets for a certain period of time in the environment that you’re in and you get to a comfortability level of having your gun and coming back and transitioning back to where you do not.
[00:29:59] [00:30:00] Carry that around with you
[00:30:01] everywhere
[00:30:01] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:30:02] Ashley Sylvester: And it, it is something that’s effective because it’s, it’s in a whole new, okay, I’ve gotta switch back into this, you know, my normal, which,
[00:30:11] what is normal,
[00:30:12] you know,
[00:30:13] Scott DeLuzio: Right. And
[00:30:14] you know,
[00:30:14] I, I’ve had conversations with some people before and, and actually one, one person I, I’m drawing a blank on, on the name right now of, of who this was, but they, they said. What is normal? What, you know, gimme a definition of normal. Normal is something that it, it’s like always changing.
[00:30:28] There, there is no true sense of normal, right? Normal in Afghanistan as a soldier is, you know, having your body armor, having your, your weapon, having, you know, 200 plus rounds of ammo on you and, and all these, all these other things that, that was normal. But then you come home. That’s not normal anymore.
[00:30:47] And, and that’s, that’s just a different way of thinking. And so, now even you know, relationships you know, as a single person, it’s normal to. Have to cook dinner for yourself or go out to dinner and [00:31:00] get stuff for yourself. Then you get married. Now you have two people that you have, you have to do and then you have kids and it makes it even, even more.
[00:31:07] And there’s, there’s like a whole lot of, a whole other layer of complications that go in with, with all that. And, and normal is just like a continuously evolving, ever changing thing. I think the reactions that he was having to the, the stressful situations that he had also were normal. Those were normal reactions to, let’s face it, abnormal situations that, that he likely went through.
[00:31:32] Right.
[00:31:32] Ashley Sylvester: Yes,
[00:31:33] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:31:34] Ashley Sylvester: It, it wasn’t, and that, and that’s what I kept telling him, you know, these aren’t. Things that are abnormal that you’re feeling and that you’re fearing and that things that you’re processing and the getting up in the middle of the night and not being able to, you know, your
[00:31:47] day and night has
[00:31:48] changed
[00:31:49] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:31:49] Ashley Sylvester: back over into the United States and, you know, we just have to give it a little bit of time and you’ve gotta process and, you know, but those things, even just those things just [00:32:00] transitioning from being a 12 months,
[00:32:03] 12 months away
[00:32:04] from your family. That’s a significant timeframe where your kids don’t even
[00:32:10] realize who you are because they were
[00:32:12] so young
[00:32:12] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:32:13] Ashley Sylvester: left for year, you know, it’s, it’s a lot, it’s a lot to tack on trying to process and go through what you’re going through from your deployment, coming back into, you know, family life and being able to just reset. I know that they started doing, some transition sessions on military installations, which I thought was really good for a dramatic play of know, resourceful people, trying to act out some of the things that you may go through when you’re coming back into your family life and stuff. I, which I thought
[00:32:42] was amazing,
[00:32:43] Scott DeLuzio: Great.
[00:32:44] Ashley Sylvester: but that was. I wanna say that was after the third deploy, 18 month deployment to Afghanistan that Jason did. So it was a little bit late in the
[00:32:53] game, but it was definitely needed.
[00:32:56] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.
[00:32:56] Ashley Sylvester: I feel like if he had had that after that second [00:33:00] deployment for a year to Iraq, it would have help tremendously again. Great. I’m very grateful for it and I think it’s an amazing step that they took forward. the military families,
[00:33:14] so that was really
[00:33:15] helpful.
[00:33:15] Scott DeLuzio: Right. And in that case, it may have just been timing. It maybe just was a little bit too late for, for that, that situation. So I know we’ve, we’ve kind of danced around the issue. You know, the, you know, I’m, I’m sitting here talking to you and I’m not talking to your husband and you know, there’s, there’s obviously a reason for that.
[00:33:32] And, and so, you know, kind of leading up to his, his death, were, were there any kind of like big red flags that, that were like right, right before, or, or was there anything that, that kind of stood out to you in, in those, those situations? You know, kind of like right up you know, around that time.
[00:33:49] Yeah.
[00:33:50] Ashley Sylvester: There were several things that stood out to me of the warning signs. I, I, the demeanor changes began to [00:34:00] progressively get even worse, almost into a realm of, oh my gosh, I’m.
[00:34:05] I’m. I’m not
[00:34:07] reaching this person anymore. Like is unreachable and it’s like, he’s just a blank stare in my face and I, I just don’t know.
[00:34:16] I would, I would kind of get in his face and like, Hey, I’m here, please. You know, tell me how to help you. You know, and it was kind of like one of those things you see in the movies, you
[00:34:27] know, that help me,
[00:34:29] help you.
[00:34:29] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:34:30] Ashley Sylvester: just, I, I just need to know what you’re thinking. But. He was just so, it wasn’t even a distance.
[00:34:38] It was like he wasn’t, he was there, but he wasn’t there mentally. He had already,
[00:34:44] Checked out
[00:34:45] Scott DeLuzio: Hmm.
[00:34:45] Ashley Sylvester: and really didn’t know how to help himself. progression had gotten to a point where he just was so
[00:34:55] checked off from us.
[00:34:57] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:34:58] Ashley Sylvester: it was, it was just [00:35:00] heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking. The different demeanors that he would, you know, be when he would come home every other couple of days, every other third day or so on and so forth, I just struggle with, okay. This is kind of like emotional whiplash for me. I don’t know what I can do. It got to a point where even other people were asking me in our neighborhoods or in our church they were very helpful, but they didn’t want to be too much engaged to
[00:35:35] push him away because it would
[00:35:36] eventually push him
[00:35:37] Scott DeLuzio: Yep. Yep.
[00:35:38] Ashley Sylvester: would know, okay, they’re trying to reach me, you know,
[00:35:42] and build up that
[00:35:43] wall and,
[00:35:43] Scott DeLuzio: Yep.
[00:35:44] Ashley Sylvester: know, so, circling back. I really feel like that I probably built up too many walls and I felt to myself,
[00:35:59] how could I [00:36:00] not help
[00:36:00] this person?
[00:36:00] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:01] Ashley Sylvester: can I not help my husband, the boy’s dad? How, you know? But those warning signs, I definitely knew I did not need to ignore. Don’t if anyone listening,
[00:36:11] don’t ignore the warning signs.
[00:36:13] If,
[00:36:13] Scott DeLuzio: Right.
[00:36:13] Ashley Sylvester: tells you, it’s definitely something there.
[00:36:17] If you’ve known that person, that is your person and you know, you know, I, I did do some things strategically, but I also didn’t know certain things to do. For him as far as with the va that last two years was pretty significantly hard on my psyche. I, I was questioning myself of what I was helping with and what I was hurting, or if I was hurting something instead of helping. Definitely reached out to the VA crisis line and just so happened that when I called and I let the people know, like, I don’t know how to help my husband. really don’t know, and I, I need some strategies. I didn’t [00:37:00] know that at the time that this was years ago. I didn’t know. That was about two years before passed away, and I let them know, and I was asking, how can I, what are some strategies?
[00:37:14] I need somebody to tell me what I can do. It’s gotten to a point where, you know, these last couple years have been really hard. I’m, I’m noticing a pattern. And I am noticing when it’s gonna flare up. And as the wife and, and mom and you know, I’m, I’m very concerned that it’s progressively getting worse each year. And we need to address something, but I don’t want to upset him. He has went to a psychologist there at the va and, but he came home and was like. Well, I went to my psychologist today that was supposed to help me with PTSD, and basically they’ve never deployed and
[00:37:55] they’re
[00:37:55] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah,
[00:37:56] Ashley Sylvester: half my age.
[00:37:59] Scott DeLuzio: yeah, [00:38:00] yeah. I, you know what?
[00:38:02] Ashley Sylvester: told me to
[00:38:02] go do this, Ashley,
[00:38:03] and this is what I
[00:38:04] did.
[00:38:04] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And, and that, that’s unfortunate too because, you know, you, you try to do these things and, and help, you know, point ’em in the right direction and do all the, all the right things, you know, quote unquote, you know, everyone, every situation’s gonna be different. So, you know, what is the right thing?
[00:38:19] I don’t know. You know,
[00:38:21] what you did. Is it right or wrong? I don’t know. I can’t, couldn’t tell you. And, and I don’t think anyone really could. But you know, trying to do the right thing anyways, obviously with good intentions in your heart. And then, you know, something like that happens and that becomes a turnoff for that individual who just doesn’t want to talk to someone half their age or talk to someone who hasn’t experienced what they’ve experienced.
[00:38:43] And you know, I, I, I understand now that those are. Automatic deal breakers that, that you should, you should just not talk to someone because they haven’t deployed either or maybe they never served either. Like I’ve, I’ve talked to plenty of people who’ve never served and [00:39:00] doesn’t mean that they don’t understand what trauma is and that they don’t understand what, what, you know, maybe not the exact scenario that you went through.
[00:39:08] Maybe they’ve never experienced something like that. Okay, great. They don’t need to, they, but they know what trauma is and they can talk about that and.
[00:39:17] And so that’s, that to me was something that I needed to wrap my head around as well. When I came home, when I, when I first came home man, I, I lied through my teeth about.
[00:39:26] Needing mental health support or whatever they, they, I went through like the mandatory screenings and everything after coming home and nope, nope, everything’s fine. I’m sleeping fine, everything’s good. I, you know, everything’s, everything’s just great. And it, they weren’t, they were far from great, but I was like, you know what?
[00:39:40] I’ll figure it out. I’ll, I’ll be okay. You know, and it wasn’t until I realized, you know, months later that I wasn’t gonna be okay. That’s when I act, I, I started, but my God, if I, if I had just started earlier and, and gotten the help. Like at that point you know, how much better would things be now and, and how much pain and heartbreak, heartache and, and all [00:40:00] these things that you know, I, I put on my family how much would have been avoided if I, if I just did it a little bit sooner, you know?
[00:40:06] So.
[00:40:06] Ashley Sylvester: feel like that a lot of military soldiers that come back, this is just something
[00:40:13] that I’ve had, you know, kind of an
[00:40:14] opinion on. I
[00:40:15] Scott DeLuzio: Hmm.
[00:40:16] Ashley Sylvester: that they don’t realize how
[00:40:17] fast it could spiral.
[00:40:20] Scott DeLuzio: Oh yeah. No,
[00:40:21] I,
[00:40:22] I I think it.
[00:40:23] Ashley Sylvester: can handle
[00:40:24] Scott DeLuzio: Y
[00:40:25] Yeah, I think, I think in my mind, it, it was just one of those things that I’ll, I’ll figure it out. I’ll, I’ll handle it and, you know, yeah. Obviously stuff happened and I, I had some traumatic experiences and you know, so I was like, yeah, obviously I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be sad or I’m gonna be depressed, or I’m gonna be angry about the situations that that took place.
[00:40:45] But it’s like, they just happened a couple weeks ago, so obviously I’m still gonna be a little. You know, affected by ’em. Give it some time and it’ll, and it’ll, it’ll get better. But it wasn’t until, you know, like I said months later that I realized, holy crap, this [00:41:00] has not gotten any better. And if anything, I don’t even recognize the person who I’m looking at in the mirror anymore.
[00:41:06] This has gotten way worse, not, not better, and it’s gotten worse. You know, I, I just like, have outbursts over like the, the littlest things, and it’s like, who the, who the hell is this person? You know? Like what?
[00:41:19] Ashley Sylvester: the, yeah, the, I think that’s what I remember. Jason coming home one day before he passed, and it was a couple of weeks before, and he mentioned, you know, I just, I just ki I had a, I said, how did your doctor’s appointment go? And he said, I just kind of went off on the whole office and I don’t even, I, I just came straight home and I was like, what you, what happened? said, you, you know, they mentioned something about an extra charge of this, this, or this, and, and I’m. I’m thinking to myself, but I’m not saying it to him. Like that’s kind of the way that they, you know, that’s the name of the
[00:41:58] game and the, [00:42:00]
[00:42:00] know,
[00:42:00] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.
[00:42:01] Ashley Sylvester: you kind of get hit and tagged with different, you know, extra charges and stuff.
[00:42:07] And he just, I was like, this is not something new. So we’ve, we’ve, you know, witnessed this and he said, I just went off on the entire office, Ashley, and I was like. What, and at the time I’m thinking, oh my gosh, he’s never done that. You know, he’s never, it’s like one of those things that you see in a grocery store where someone’s like going off about something, you know what I mean?
[00:42:32] You’re just like, okay, there’s enough like
[00:42:34] belts here for you to put your groceries up on,
[00:42:36] Scott DeLuzio: Right, right. Yeah.
[00:42:38] Ashley Sylvester: or something kind of wild like that. And I just, I was like, well, well what did you say? What did they do? Like were they. He said, I don’t know, I just stormed out. just the fact that he came home telling me about it was huge.
[00:42:52] Spoke volumes that I think he was realizing within himself, I, there’s something that I can’t handle. There’s [00:43:00] something that I need to get addressed. And I said, you know, and that’s at the point where it was pretty evident to him that
[00:43:06] he did need something.
[00:43:09] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, exactly. And you know, unfortunately there, there’s just far too many of us who’ve gone overseas. You know. Served, you know, in a, in a combat zone. Literally lived in places where people wanted to kill us. They wanted us dead, and we, we survived that. And we come home
[00:43:27] and then that’s where we end up losing people.
[00:43:29] I’ve, I’ve lost several friends that way. I know, you know, anyone listening to this probably. At least if they don’t know about somebody personally like that you know, who’ve, who’ve taken their own life. They, they likely have heard stories from, from other people who, who do know that you know, that type of situation.
[00:43:45] And my gosh, it, it’s like. How little sense does that make? You know, you, you survive some of the worst things in the world just to come back to America where you know you should be safe [00:44:00] and should be able to get all the support that you need. But that’s where we end up losing people. And that, that to me is, I mean, quite frankly, that’s why I started this show.
[00:44:08] It was like, I, I just don’t want. This type of thing to continue you know, with, with, with these people. And it’s not just the people I knew that I served with. Obviously those people are, you know, near and dear to me, and, and I, you know, I wanna, you know, help support them in any way. But you know, it’s, it’s a widespread issue throughout the entire military and, and veteran community, military families dealing with this all the time.
[00:44:29] Ashley Sylvester: Well, I remember when I
[00:44:31] reached out to you how hard it
[00:44:33] was for me
[00:44:33] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:44:34] Ashley Sylvester: to just
[00:44:36] reach out
[00:44:36] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:44:37] Ashley Sylvester: and I remember you saying, I’ve been wondering if you were gonna contact me. And it, it is hard. It’s a hard thing to talk about after, you know, four deployments and. Over 12 years in the military moving around every, sometimes we moved less than two years. keep in mind we had a special needs child on [00:45:00] the autism spectrum and a younger baby, and he had some special needs as well. And, you know, we’re away from family as soon as, I mean, it would, as soon as we got to Fort Bragg. Jason was 19 days at home and then he was gone and over in Afghanistan. So, I mean, it was, it was. Unfortunately the boys hardly saw him. And, and it’s just, you know, it leaves so many questions after these four deployments and then longest that dad is home then you know, we
[00:45:35] we’re trying to get back into
[00:45:37] family life And,
[00:45:38] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:45:39] Ashley Sylvester: The last deployment, 14 months into the last 18 month
[00:45:44] deployment to Afghanistan, we lost
[00:45:46] our house,
[00:45:46] Scott DeLuzio: Oh.
[00:45:47] Ashley Sylvester: started all over nothing, not even our cars. And he had to come home from devastation to devastation. And [00:46:00] that was a significant shift as well. It was very overwhelming for all of us. You know, we had thought, oh my gosh, you know. Every time he flies off and goes to East or deploys, we have to worry about him not coming home and for hours, you know, he was not able to get ahold of us and know if we were okay we had went through an F five tornado and when he returned back home, that was. The start of how it started kind of spiraling because we, he hit the ground running. We hit the ground running with starting all over trying to find those resources after a natural disaster of a tornado and, and trying to make sure that we get everything we can for our kids and, you know, make sure they’re okay.
[00:46:53] And so, ultimately it did take a toll, all the PTSD stacked on PTSD and then [00:47:00] going through that and then, you know. He ultimately
[00:47:05] took his life.
[00:47:07] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, and it’s, and obviously a, a, a very. Unfortunate situation that, you know, I, I, I think these things are. Avoidable you know, given the right, the right attitudes, the right mindset, the right you know, willingness to seek out the help. There. There, there’s plenty of it out there. I talk to people all the time on this show that.
[00:47:31] That are offering all sorts of different kind of resources. And, and I say this to a lot of people, like if, if you’ve gone out there and you, you’re like, yeah, I, I tried the therapies, I tried this and that and the other thing, and I, I, I feel like I’ve tried everything and just nothing’s working. I guarantee you’re wrong.
[00:47:47] There’s, there’s something else out there. I guarantee there’s something else. And, and you just maybe haven’t figured out what it is yet, but there’s something else. And. You know, best advice I, I think I can give is [00:48:00] just keep trying things. Don’t, you know? Yeah, sure. Maybe you go to one therapy appointment and you don’t hit it off with the, the therapist right away.
[00:48:08] Give, give it a few appointments. Don’t, don’t, no, I, I don’t know, like anytime I, I, I first talk to someone, I, I don’t know, I, I can be kind of awkward sometimes and it’s gonna be an awkward conversation the very first time I’m talking to somebody. So I feel like. Maybe give it a couple times and maybe get to know the person a little bit more and, and maybe get a little more comfortable with the person.
[00:48:28] And if not, guess what? There are tons of therapists out there you can call, talk to a different one,
[00:48:34] you know?
[00:48:34] Ashley Sylvester: I kind of encourage. I highly encourage a lot of my students and people that I work around. You know,
[00:48:41] not everybody clicks.
[00:48:42] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, right.
[00:48:44] Ashley Sylvester: everybody clicks. And when you ha, when you don’t feel, you know, warm and fuzzy with this counselor, you know, and you give it, like you said a few times and you’re still not, feeling like I’m getting anywhere.
[00:48:56] I, you know, try a
[00:48:57] different avenue, try a different
[00:48:59] counselor, a [00:49:00]
[00:49:00] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:49:00] Ashley Sylvester: I’ve done the same thing with, with our sons. If I. See a developmental pediatrician. I went through several
[00:49:07] developmental pediatricians for my son
[00:49:09] on the spectrum.
[00:49:10] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:49:10] Ashley Sylvester: there’s something that I did not, you know, feel like, okay, I think we need to keep trying, you know, find a different maybe in this military installation we won’t see a developmental pediatrician.
[00:49:21] Maybe we’ll see a, you know, psychologist or a pediatric neurologist, you know, for, you know, it’s, there’s so many avenues that
[00:49:31] you can take and. When you realize that it’s kind of like,
[00:49:35] I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t
[00:49:36] make a drink.
[00:49:37] Scott DeLuzio: exactly. You know?
[00:49:38] Ashley Sylvester: that all the time, and that’s
[00:49:40] so
[00:49:40] very true.
[00:49:41] Scott DeLuzio: Yep. Yeah, and, and honestly, like when I was talking about my experience coming back from Afghanistan, went through the, you know, the, the mandatory mental health screenings, that was them literally leading me to water. I’m the horse, so they’re leading me to water.
[00:49:53] I didn’t wanna drink. And so I, I just avoided it all and I, I, I got in and out, checked the [00:50:00] box, and, and I, I moved on. And, and I think looking back on it now, I’ve. Obviously realized the error in my ways, I guess, you, you can say. But you know, I, I think just a lot of folks out there make those same kind of. Mistakes not realizing how detrimental it is, not only to themselves, but to their families.
[00:50:19] I mean, we didn’t talk about this necessarily, but I’m, I’m sure we can, you know, maybe get into it another time. You know, talking about you know, like a secondary PTSD where, where like the, the family starts to have some, some issues coming off of the, the PTSD of that and, you know, obviously.
[00:50:35] Ashley Sylvester: other episode,
[00:50:36] Scott DeLuzio: I know.
[00:50:36] I know. And, and it’s obviously not something that anybody wants to, to do. But you also have to realize that you, you’re not, you’re not a burden to anybody necessarily. You’re, you’re, they, they love you as much as you love them, and, and they want
[00:50:51] like, like I’m sure you wanted to do.
[00:50:53] Ashley Sylvester: help.
[00:50:53] Scott DeLuzio: You would move heaven and earth if you could to, to get the help that, that he needed.
[00:50:58] And, and would not have looked [00:51:00] at it like, oh man, I gotta go do this thing. Oh geez, come on. You know, get it together.
[00:51:04] Like, you would not have felt that way at all. You would’ve, you would’ve been like, I’m glad I’m, I’m able to help and that you’re allowing me to help. And, and I’m sure that’s, that’s more along the lines that you would’ve felt as, as opposed to frustration or annoyed or, or anything like that.
[00:51:19] Right.
[00:51:19] Ashley Sylvester: That’s a huge step for those in special operations command
[00:51:24] or special forces or
[00:51:25] rangers or seals. That’s a huge
[00:51:28] step to allow someone to help you.
[00:51:30] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:51:30] Yeah.
[00:51:31] Ashley Sylvester: you’re supposed to be
[00:51:33] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.
[00:51:34] Ashley Sylvester: superhero and hold
[00:51:37] everything on your shoulders and be able to do everything there, there’s a huge pressure that comes along with it.
[00:51:43] And, and I knew that, but as the wife, I, I, I knew I was
[00:51:48] seeing things
[00:51:49] unfold
[00:51:50] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:51:51] Ashley Sylvester: Were concerning.
[00:51:53] Scott DeLuzio: Well. Unfortunately it did end in, in tragedy you know, with, with your husband and, [00:52:00] and your, your, quite frankly, your family, your community the whole special operations community. I’m, I’m sure, you know, felt that loss as well. And it’s it’s one that, you know, tragically happens all too often. And you know, I did, I do want to have you come on the show to share this story you know, to, to talk about the yeah.
[00:52:19] Kind of the, the warning signs and, and the things like that for, for folks who maybe just don’t know, you know, and they’re, you know, what do I even look out for in, in my loved one? And or, or in myself, you know, like if, if you know anything that. We’ve been saying here for any of the listeners, sounds like, gee, I guess that’s kind of me.
[00:52:38] Well, yeah, maybe you need to go talk to somebody. Or, or if it’s, you know, a loved one, a you know, a spouse or, or a, you know, a sibling or, or you know, whoever. Encourage them to, to go get help and, and think. You may have to think outside the box, kinda like what you were describing. You know, and, and find ways to get them to go to do the thing that, let’s, let’s just face it, I, they [00:53:00] probably don’t want to do it, but they, they probably need to do it.
[00:53:03] And so you might have to think outside the box to, to get ways and, and hell, if you, if you need to share this episode with them to be like, Hey, look, there was somebody else. This is, this is the outcome. We don’t want that for you. I mean, do that. I’m not, I don’t care about, you know, listens and likes and downloads and all that kind of crap.
[00:53:22] I, that’s not it. This, this whole episode exists. If I can help one person, if you and I can help one person,
[00:53:27] Ashley Sylvester: Yes.
[00:53:29] Scott DeLuzio: the intention behind this, is I wanna talk to that one person and, and help that one person out and you know, hopefully hopefully keep ’em around so they can, they can wake up tomorrow and, and see the sunshine and, and realize that, hey, it.
[00:53:40] It, it, it can be okay. And, and, and it can get better. But I, I do, before we wrap up here, I do, I do want to thank you for, for coming on. I know this is a, a deeply personal story. It’s, it’s a, you know, emotional story you know about you, your husband, your family, and, and this. Journey that you all went on, unfortunately you know, [00:54:00] with a, a tragic ending.
[00:54:01] But I, I do thank you for coming on and speaking out about this really important topic that, that I, I think you know, doesn’t, doesn’t get discussed enough. And I, I think this is definitely you know, a great place to start. So thank you.
[00:54:13] Ashley Sylvester: Thank
[00:54:14] Scott DeLuzio: you so much.
[00:54:14] Ashley Sylvester: for having me, Scott. I felt it very heavy on my heart to be on this show to help, and it did take me a long while to muster up the courage. I, it is a very sensitive subject and you’ve made this so, comfortable about talking and I feel my main purpose. Just like you is if I can help one person or if I can help a military wife or even outside of the military, a civilian wife and things that have been noticed after
[00:54:43] military and so on and
[00:54:44] So, forth.
[00:54:45] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.
[00:54:46] Ashley Sylvester: It is important, you know, notice those warning signs, you know, just keep an eye out if you have to go and get the help, and they won’t. I did do that. I, I searched that avenue as well. [00:55:00] thank you so much for
[00:55:00] having me, and I look forward to
[00:55:02] seeing you again.
[00:55:03] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. I’m, I’m looking forward to it as well. Thanks so much.