Episode 552 Brandon Held Choosing Life When Everything Hurts Transcript

This transcript is from episode 552 with guest Brandon Held.

[00:00:00] Scott DeLuzio: Life after the military can sneak up on you, you’re trying to be a solid dad and husband, trying to keep things steady at work, trying to handle the bills at home, and at the same time, you’re carrying years of stuff that you never really got to deal with. You might have had a rough childhood or maybe the stress from your military service, uh, maybe the hits that you took in your marriages or relationships.

[00:00:22] And after enough of these losses or uh, enough late nights staring at the ceiling, those dark thoughts about just checking out start to show up more and more. And eventually, unfortunately, they might start to feel normal. That’s where our guest today, Brandon held lived for a long time. He grew up around chaos, served in the Air Force and the army.

[00:00:44] He fought through multiple divorces, lost day-to-day life with his kids, and he got crushed by job loss and debt in his mid forties. And for years. Whenever life got really hard, his mind went straight to suicide. As the way out. In this [00:01:00] conversation we’re gonna talk about. That headspace that he found himself in, that a lot of people find themselves in.

[00:01:06] Um, and what it’s like to close that chapter in your life and what it actually looks like to pull yourself back and build a life that feels like it’s worth staying for. If you’ve ever had those thoughts and felt ashamed or alone, this one has meant to show you that you can get through. The other side of that darkness.

[00:01:26] Before we get into this episode though, I wanna take a moment to raise awareness for something that’s deeply important to our community. The Global War on Terrorism Memorial Foundation. This organization is working to build a permanent national memorial in Washington DC to honor the service members, families, and civilians who are impacted by the global war on terrorism.

[00:01:44] This memorial will serve as both a tribute to those. A way to ensure that their sacrifices are recognized and remembered for generations to, if you’d learn more, find out how you can support their mission. Visit GWOT Memorial Foundation. Now let’s [00:02:00] get into.

[00:02:03]

[00:02:16] Scott DeLuzio: Hey Brandon, welcome to the show. Glad to have you here.

[00:02:21] Brandon Held: Eh, thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

[00:02:23] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, absolutely. So,

[00:02:25] Tell us a little bit about yourself, kind of your, your background and maybe some military history, things like that. Just for, for the listeners who maybe aren’t familiar with you and, and, and who you are. I know you have you know, a podcast. So there might be some, some folks out there who’ve listened to your podcast and know a little bit about you.

[00:02:40] But for the folks who maybe have just discovered your podcast through, through this episode tell us a little bit about yourself.

[00:02:46] Brandon Held: Yeah, I mean, to try to wrap up a long story short in a brief segment you know, I’m 52 years old. I was in the Air Force for four years. I was in the Army for four years. Done a lot of stuff [00:03:00] in between that, from aerospace to personal training to bartending to, you know, many other things. And you know, I have a bachelor’s degree in communications and a master’s degree in business administration. And I’ve struggled with mental health and stuff in my life And I wanted to help others who were going through those kinds of things because when I was really struggling, I didn’t feel like I had someone there for me or anywhere to turn or anyone to go to.

[00:03:34] And so really the idea behind my show is to be that

[00:03:38] for those people.

[00:03:40] Scott DeLuzio: And that’s, that’s a

[00:03:42] incredible way to do it too because you, you get some people who very likely are, they’re just kind of isolating. They’re, they’re kind of off on their own by themselves maybe. Yeah, sure. They might be listening to some podcasts. They might be you know, connecting with the world, the outside world that way.

[00:03:57] But not really getting out in. [00:04:00] Knowing that there are actual people out there who have gone through these same things, when you share your story and I’m sure we’ll get more into your story in a, in a bit here, but you know, when you share your story and other people’s stories, it kind of starts to get people feeling like, well.

[00:04:13] Crap, that’s, it’s not just me who’s feeling this way. There’s other people and, you know, what do they do to get out of this, this mess? And that’s kind of like the you know, the, the idea behind this show too is, is that there are, we understand there, there are people out there who are going through hell right now.

[00:04:29] They’re going through, maybe they experience a trauma or some other. Difficult time in, in their life and you know, they, they can get past that. It is just a matter of, you know, just sometimes just knowing that you’re not alone and that there’s somebody else out there who, who can help. Right. And so, so yeah, let, let’s get into kind of your, your, your show and your, your journey.

[00:04:49] You know, a little bit about all that stuff you, you mentioned, so you mentioned you were in the Air Force and in the Army. What, what caused you to switch between the two?

[00:04:57] Brandon Held: Well, so I joined the Air Force at [00:05:00] 17 years old straight outta high school. I I graduated high school half a year early. I joined the Air Force two weeks later. Like I wasn’t playing around. I grew up, you know, in, in a poor household, poor circumstances, and I knew the only way

[00:05:17] for me to do anything in life was.

[00:05:20] Get the hell out of there basically.

[00:05:22] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.

[00:05:24] Brandon Held: I knew right away I was gonna join the Air Force and so by the time my high school class was walking for graduation, I had already finished my Air Force bootcamp, my tech school, and I was at my first duty station while everyone else was just graduating high school.

[00:05:41] So, and you know, I thought that was going to be my career. Didn’t work out that way. Something, you know, negative happened to me through no fault of my own. While I was in the Air Force, I got screwed over by a master sergeant, so he made me of rethink my path in life. [00:06:00] So I decided to get out when my four years was up because of that reason.

[00:06:05] Then I went to college and I got that. Mass communication slash broadcasting degree. And I wanted to do Playby play for sports, and I got turned off of that by the, community, that world. So then I was kind, lost there for a little bit, trying to figure out what am I gonna do with myself. I considered going back into the Air Force again as an officer.

[00:06:31] But that didn’t work out. So I decided I wanted to get a master’s degree and I wanted to get it paid for and that’s how I ended up in the Army. ’cause you know, the Army pays a hundred percent up to a certain dollar amount, which kind of learned after the fact, but it doesn’t really matter. I was able to join the Army and get my MBA

[00:06:52] while I was in the

[00:06:53] Army.

[00:06:53] And so that’s how that

[00:06:56] course

[00:06:57] went.

[00:06:58] Scott DeLuzio: Cool. Yeah. And [00:07:00]

[00:07:00] a lot of people have their various reasons for joining the military. You know, in the beginning it seemed like just. Trying to get yourself out of a bad situation. And then you know, later on it was, it was for college. There’s no, I don’t think there’s any right or wrong reason for joining the military.

[00:07:14] And, and in your case, there’s several reasons for joining the military. And you know, it’s just interesting to see, you know, how people’s journeys throughout their life have, have kind of taken ’em to one direction or another and what their reasons were joining

[00:07:30] path.

[00:07:35] Your military experience you know, coming from, you said kind of a, a difficult background challenging, you know, environment that you, you kind of lived in you know, growing up.

[00:07:44] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:07:45] Scott DeLuzio: How did your military experience change your perspective on the world, on life, on, on things that were going on around you?

[00:07:53] Or, or did it you know, maybe, maybe it, maybe it didn’t at all, but I would imagine a lot of times military changes, some folks and, and do that. [00:08:00] The better.

[00:08:02] Brandon Held: Yeah, I mean, I, I have often said and I shot it from the rooftops that for me, in my situation, in my circumstances, joining the Air Force was the smartest and best thing I ever did for myself in my life. Because if had I not done that, you know, I was a, terrible. Student in, in high school, I was a, you know, like a 1.5 GPA student.

[00:08:29] The thought of going to college was, you know, this. The that would never happen to me in my life at that time, you know, that was the way I viewed my intelligence in the world and joining the Air Force gave me so much confidence and control of myself and what I was capable of. It made me mature a lot.

[00:08:54] Of course, you know, I was 17 at the time and it really [00:09:00] just gave me so many. Base foundations of who I am and who I’ve become throughout my life. You know, just being, you know, honorable and having integrity and, and you know, just a good person that, you know, would want to help people that are in distress or anything like that.

[00:09:21] It, it, it really just. In a lot of ways shaped the man that I became. I was in the Air Force, I took a college class in a, you know, in an attempt to help myself in promotions. But taking that college class. Showed me that I, Hey, I actually could go to college. I just, you know, I learned how to apply myself.

[00:09:45] I learned how to what it took. That wasn’t my thought process. Taking that, you know, my, when I took that college class, I was just trying to get promoted. I was just trying to use it as a, Hey, I’m taking college classes. Promote me. Right? [00:10:00] but it really reshaped. What I thought I was capable of and could do along with a lot of the things that the military pushes you to make, you understand the depths of what you’re capable of, that most people in their life would never push themselves like that to see what they’re capable of.

[00:10:19] So it, yeah, it, it was a great

[00:10:22] way, life changing.

[00:10:24] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, and sometimes people who graduate high school, 17, 18 years old, whatever, and they. Maybe just aren’t ready for college, you know? And like in your case, like there, there’s probably some maturing that needed to take place and, and maybe even although you did finish high school early, which was, you know, not, not a ton of people get to to say that they do that.

[00:10:44] But but sometimes you just need, need maybe a couple years just to figure out what do I wanna be when I grow up? What do I wanna do? And how, how do I get there and, and what do I need to do? And. Like what you were saying with the, the Air Force, it [00:11:00] gave you that confidence to say, you know, I can do things.

[00:11:03] I’m not,

[00:11:03] Brandon Held: Yeah,

[00:11:04] Scott DeLuzio: know, I’m not this, you know, 1.5 or whatever you said GPA, I’m not that, that student, I’m, I’m, I’m way better than that. And and then you go in and, and do it, and you go through and get an MBA too. Like that probably wasn’t even on the radar at 17 years old. Right.

[00:11:18] Brandon Held: not, not at all. And what’s funny about that is. know, you, you get taught to believe certain things. And you know, when I was growing up, education wasn’t important in my family. It wasn’t something that was,

[00:11:32] you know, you, you need to do this to be

[00:11:35] successful in life, Right.

[00:11:37] Like we ca

[00:11:38] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:11:38] Brandon Held: from, we were just scraping to get by every day in life, right? So. dealt with fighting, you know, my mom and my stepdad fighting my, my stepdad would physically beat up my mom. You know, they would throw parties on weeknights, like was just no real [00:12:00] solid parenting going on. So part of the reason that I wasn’t a good student was a it. were not promoted as something I needed to concern myself with. And B, a lot of days I would go to school just tired as hell because I was kept up till midnight one 2:00 AM from, you know, bad parenting. And, and I’m

[00:12:21] not here to crap on my mom, but she had me at 16,

[00:12:25] you know, so she was still young, she was

[00:12:27] Scott DeLuzio: Sure.

[00:12:28] Brandon Held: up while I was growing up. So, that was just the situation and the circumstances I was in. Yeah, I was super immature when I joined and, and leaving high school a semester early wasn’t a it wasn’t ’cause I did anything great. It was just simply, you know, you go talk to the guidance counselor and you say, look, this is my path, this is my trajectory. I’m joining the Air Force. And they say, all right, cool.

[00:12:55] Check the box. You can graduate high school and leave. So it wasn’t ’cause I [00:13:00] did anything successful, I just

[00:13:02] convinced them

[00:13:03] that it was worthwhile to

[00:13:05] let me leave early.

[00:13:07] Scott DeLuzio: Well, you successfully convinced them.

[00:13:09] We’ll give you that much credit anyways.

[00:13:11] You know, but yeah, you know, even we were talking before about how, you know, some 17, 18 year olds are maybe just not. Ready for college. And then you’re talking about like your situation with your, your mom having you at, at 16.

[00:13:24] Some people at 16 aren’t ready to have kids, and that’s a huge responsibility. It’s probably even bigger than, or not, probably. It is. It’s bigger than college, bigger than careers and all that kind of stuff. You’re, you’re literally raising a, a, a person and responsible for this person’s life. And you know, to hand that over to a 16-year-old, I mean, I, I, I have a 16-year-old.

[00:13:44] Son right now. And, and to think if he had a, a kid right now you know, it, it would be like, I don’t, I don’t think he’d be able to, to handle

[00:13:51] Brandon Held: let me add to that. I, she, I was

[00:13:54] born when she was 16.

[00:13:56] Scott DeLuzio: Okay.

[00:13:57] Brandon Held: after her 18th

[00:13:58] birthday, she had my [00:14:00] sister. So at

[00:14:00] Scott DeLuzio: Okay.

[00:14:01] Brandon Held: she

[00:14:01] had two children already.

[00:14:04] Scott DeLuzio: Oh wow. Okay. So I mean,

[00:14:07] that’s a lot of responsibility to throw at a young kid you know, at, at that, that stage in life. When, I mean, we’ve all been that, that age before I, I was young and dumb. I, I know I, I did some stupid things back then and,

[00:14:19] Brandon Held: You

[00:14:19] Scott DeLuzio: no, thank God there weren’t cameras and social media the way there, there is today.

[00:14:23] But you know, like back then you know, it just. You know, you, you do a lot of crazy things and, and so it doesn’t, it’s not surprising when you said, you know, growing up there was parties and all that, that kind of stuff. ’cause that’s just what people of that age tend to do. And, and so it wasn’t like it was an abnormal thing, it was just, you know, that, that was just where the, the priority was.

[00:14:43] So,

[00:14:43] Brandon Held: and

[00:14:44] Stepdad is a biker, So, you know, was a biker. He, he’s passed now. He’s, he’s the father of my younger brother. It is what you imagine, you know, if you’re not

[00:14:55] part of a biker gang or you don’t know, you’re not in that world. It is

[00:14:59] [00:15:00] exactly what you think it is. So,

[00:15:02] There’s no such thing as a Friday or

[00:15:04] Saturday.

[00:15:05] Then their life is that. So it

[00:15:07] Scott DeLuzio: sure.

[00:15:08] Brandon Held: to them.

[00:15:10] Scott DeLuzio: So you mentioned earlier that you also kind of struggle with some mental health related issues. Talk to us a little bit about that. Was that kind of stemming from military service, from stuff from early on, combination of things like what, what, where did that all come from? And, and you know, how did that all play out?

[00:15:26] Brandon Held: You know, that’s a, that’s a good question. I don’t really have. A specific answer for that. I can say is, is, you know, I grew up under pretty bad circumstances, but I always had this thing in my brain that when I turn 17 And I go live on my own, like none of that matters, right? I’m gonna make my own life in my life’s destiny. Is in my hands. And then, I don’t know, the first like really bad breaking [00:16:00] point I ever hit as an adult. It had, I’d never felt this way before. Suicide entered my mind, like suicidal ideation entered my mind like, oh, you know, this pain sucks much. It would just be so much better if I wasn’t here, right?

[00:16:18] Like if I die, this pain goes away. All my problems go away, blah, blah, blah. Right? So you get that first thought in your head about. How that can solve your problems. And then you, you work your way through it or, or whatever. And then I just kind of lived a life from, you know, almost 18 until my mid forties, where things got really bad, that’s where my head went. I just thought about, well, maybe I should just kill myself and end it all and then this will solve my problems. ultimately you don’t, ’cause you understand. That it [00:17:00] hurts the people that love you and care about you and, you know, it might solve your problem, but it, it may create more problems.

[00:17:07] Especially as I got, you know, I have three sons now. So, you know, I would think about, well, if I killed myself, then yeah, my worry is over. But who knows what kind of trauma and tragedy I’m putting on. To my sons. And so one time I did attempt to kill myself in my mid forties, it was kind of accidental.

[00:17:33] I know that sounds weird but basically what I did was, is I was having those suicidal ideation thoughts. Was on my third divorce. I, you know. It’s a divorce. I didn’t want, I lost being a father to my kids every day, which was. Heartbreaking for me in, in a way that I could never really truly describe. I got laid off from my career at the exact [00:18:00] same time while I was going through this divorce, and then a judge ordered me to have to pay child support and spousal maintenance even though I was given 50 50 custody. So, you know, I saw myself at that point, I lost my family. I was, you know, 20 something K in the hole like. Just from the, the jump, like even when I get a job or whatever, I have to go pay this spousal maintenance and, and child support and all this stuff before I even break, even before I get back to zero again. Right. And I’m in my mid forties so yeah, I mentally. I’ve felt ready to give up. And so I have sleep apnea and insomnia.

[00:18:46] And I took an Ambien before I went to bed. And then somewhere after I took that one Ambien, woke up in the night and I downed [00:19:00] the rest of the bottle. And so, after that happened, someone actually saved my life. Someone expected me to be somewhere the next morning. I didn’t show up. She called an ambulance.

[00:19:11] And she saved my life. After that happened, I thought, you know, I can’t keep living like this. I, you know, if I’m gonna live, I have to do something differently. Because you know, I need to live the best life I can live. Like I can’t keep doing this up and down, potentially wanting to commit suicide stuff. And so I just kind of made a choice right on the spot, like, this is not going to be my life anymore, and I’m going to start doing the things that I need to do to make sure that this isn’t my life anymore. So I took those steps and I did those things and I got through to the other side, and I’m genuinely living my best life. And I got to that point, [00:20:00] which you know, was a couple years ago, I thought. Man, this is really great. And, and and I would tell other people about what I had gone through and they would be like, you know, you really need to write a book on your, your life story. Right? It’s pretty unique. It’s pretty phenomenal. And I was like, nah, I’m not really a writer, but what I could do. Start a podcast because would like to show people that if they’re going through what I was going through, not only can you get through it, you can be even better than you’ve ever been in your entire life. So basically what

[00:20:38] took me from there to, to how I got

[00:20:40] here.

[00:20:43] Scott DeLuzio: And I think

[00:20:44] from a lot of people that I’ve talked to,

[00:20:46] the a common. Thread that that people have is that they come to a decision like you did, that this is just not gonna be the way I’m, I’m gonna live my life anymore. I’m not going to [00:21:00] let these intrusive thoughts come in and, and start just beating me down and, and saying, Hey, just give up and, and just quit and, and whatever, like you, you just have this.

[00:21:11] Moment, this revelation kind of moment where it just is like, no, that, that’s done, that’s behind me now and I’m just gonna move on and focus on the good things and, and make a better life. And and then, then they do. It’s funny like when you, the things that you focus on become the things that you get more of.

[00:21:35] And when you focus on the good things, you focus on the positives and, and yeah. Sure. Positive thinking isn’t gonna erase 20 K in, in debt right. Overnight, you know? But

[00:21:46] it will, it’ll make that journey a little bit easier. It it, you know, it’s never easy to have to go pay off that kind of debt.

[00:21:53] But then if you. If, if you’re doing it while, you know, depressed and [00:22:00] pissed off and a agitated and all these negative emotions, it’s not gonna really help anything either. So, so you might as well kinda just change how, how your outlook is. I know that’s easier said than done, and in your case it took that kind of rock bottom moment to, to get there.

[00:22:15] I’m not saying that everyone needs to get to that low of a level that they, that they’re deciding to, to hurt themselves. And, and hopefully nobody does that. That’s not, that’s not my intention of, of saying any of that. But, but at some point you do have to just make that decision and, and say, Nope, I’m, I’m done.

[00:22:33] Right.

[00:22:34] Brandon Held: Yeah. I mean a lot of times it’s, it’s really just you creating your own mindset. And I, and like you just said, I know that sounds said than done.

[00:22:45] and it isn’t something you just do overnight. You don’t just go from one way of thinking to bam, I decide I’m not gonna think like that anymore and flip a switch.

[00:22:56] No, it’s, it’s a process for sure. And you still go [00:23:00] through. struggles and, but then you make a decision during those times, all Right.

[00:23:06] I’m not gonna think like this or focus on this. I’m gonna think like this and focus on this. And it really is the, gratitude and the positive mindset. That makes a difference.

[00:23:19] And in the beginning it’s, it’s a hard thing that you have to kind of force yourself to do, but then over time it becomes natural, it

[00:23:28] becomes instinctive and it’s just becomes the way

[00:23:32] you just handle situations

[00:23:34] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:23:36] Brandon Held: And that’s the part that I really hope. People can gravitate to and understand that nothing changes overnight.

[00:23:44] You know, it

[00:23:44] is hard work and

[00:23:45] you have to put in the work, but once you do

[00:23:48] it

[00:23:48] man, does

[00:23:48] it pay off

[00:23:50] Scott DeLuzio: it

[00:23:50] does and, and I think any,

[00:23:55] Habit that you form. Is gonna be hard to change or [00:24:00] just, you’re not gonna change them immediately. It’s gonna takt time and if your habit is

[00:24:04] Brandon Held: 30 years.

[00:24:05] Scott DeLuzio: right,

[00:24:06] right,

[00:24:06] Brandon Held: had to come overcome

[00:24:08] 30 years of thought process.

[00:24:10] Scott DeLuzio: right. And so that, that, that was your, your habit that you got into. Just thinking that way, thinking all those negative thoughts. And, and the longer you do it, the harder it is to, to break. It’s not to say that you can’t break that habit, but. It, it just gets harder the longer you wait. So, you know, the, the best time to start was yesterday.

[00:24:30] The second best time to start is today. And, and I, I think you know, that that’s just, again, that’s a decision that someone has to make and say, you know what? Today’s gonna be the day. I’m just gonna, I’m gonna do the work and I’m, I’m gonna, I, you know, really try to change the way I’m, my, my outlook is, or, or the way I’m thinking about things.

[00:24:46] And,

[00:24:47] Brandon Held: I

[00:24:47] Important part is to allow yourself some grace, Right.

[00:24:50] Nobody’s. Perfect. Nobody makes to, you know, I use this rule in anything in life, even if it comes to, you know, I like to lift weights and, [00:25:00] and eat, you know, a certain type of way. but some days I’m not feeling it and I cheat, Right So that doesn’t mean I just give up on my dietary restrictions and. the way I, I try to eat and say, well, I

[00:25:13] screwed it up, so forget it.

[00:25:15] It’s over. You have to allow yourself some grace. This is the, the same situation, okay? Maybe one night you, it didn’t go you wanted it to. Emotionally you, you really gave in to your old ways of thinking. doesn’t just mean you quit and say you can’t do it.

[00:25:34] You give yourself some grace to say, all right, I screwed

[00:25:36] that night up, but I’m

[00:25:37] gonna be better next time.

[00:25:40] Scott DeLuzio: Right and. Like anything, you’re gonna have good days and bad days of, of anything. You have good days at work, you have bad days at work. You have, you know, good days in, in your relationship. You have some bad days in your relationships, and, and you’re gonna have good days and bad days on this journey as well.

[00:25:56] And, and, you know, our, our emotions will [00:26:00] fluctuate depending on what’s going on in life. What’s, what’s happened to you that day. And that’s normal. I, I mean. You’re a human, so you’re going to experience that at, at some point, you’re gonna have those highs and lows in, in, in your emotions. And that’s fine that you’re, you’re supposed to.

[00:26:17] So don’t, don’t think just, oh, well, today was a rough day. I, I was having a bad day. I was, I was you know, just really feeling down. Well, okay, well, tomorrow’s another day. You know, let’s, let’s,

[00:26:27] Brandon Held: you know, I really can’t think of much in life where you don’t have some highs and lows. right.

[00:26:33] Scott DeLuzio: right.

[00:26:33] Brandon Held: and you have, whether it’s your relationships, your job, your, your kids, what I don’t care really what it is you’re talking about. You have the control to decide just how low it goes. That’s something I struggled with and didn’t and didn’t know how to get through. And it sucks because I have a brother that’s 10 years younger and he hasn’t, he hasn’t gone, you [00:27:00] know, he hasn’t done the steps like I have to make the emotional and mental change.

[00:27:06] I watch him and I listen to him, and

[00:27:08] he’s still on that other side.

[00:27:10] Scott DeLuzio: Hmm.

[00:27:12] Brandon Held: you know, I try to guide him as a older brother, you know, but he’s, you know, I, he’s 42, I’m 52, you know, he’s still his own man. And it sucks because I hear him in that negative space and I hear him taking things that, you know, could be here, but he’s making them up here. And as far as, you know, tragic and difficult and all that. It. I see people go through that, I think, man, I used to be like that too. And I, I want to help people get out of that space and I want to help people understand, know, you really have control to keep it down here.

[00:27:53] And, and that’s one of the main things I want to do because when people [00:28:00] attempt suicide or even just think about it, but mostly attempt and are successful. it really breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because that, I just know that most likely that person’s life wasn’t awful, they were in an awful moment, and now because

[00:28:22] of that awful moment in time,

[00:28:26] the rest of their life is done.

[00:28:27] And

[00:28:27] Scott DeLuzio: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:28] Brandon Held: to me.

[00:28:30] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, it is. And

[00:28:32] there’s even been some people who have attempted and, and failed like. Jumping from a bridge or something like that, and they survived the fall and, and, and those types of things. And they were interviewed after the fact, and almost every single instance, they said basically as soon as their feet left that bridge, they regretted that decision.

[00:28:56] They, they didn’t want to, they, they wish they [00:29:00] could take that back, but at that point, gravity’s taken over and they, there’s no, there’s nothing really that you can do about that except for hope that. The, the, the impact doesn’t, doesn’t kill you. And so think about how many people that were successful in, in committing suicide, that as they, they were, whatever it was that they were doing, were thinking to themselves, man, I wish I didn’t do that.

[00:29:25] You know? Now granted it’s not every single person, but the good, good percentage of ’em were, like you said, just going through. A real tough time right now, but it doesn’t mean that their whole life was terrible, that they have to throw away the rest of the however many years they have left. Like, you don’t have to throw that all away for one situation that you’re going through right now.

[00:29:47] That’s, that’s tough, you know?

[00:29:48] Brandon Held: I mean there, there’s a story of this girl, I don’t know if you’ve read or saw this but she was someone who, who she liked to

[00:29:55] jump out of planes and skydive and

[00:29:58] do you know this story? [00:30:00]

[00:30:00] Scott DeLuzio: I am not sure that I do. No.

[00:30:02] Brandon Held: This, this is fairly recent, within the last few I don’t know, three, four months ago.

[00:30:06] Scott DeLuzio: Okay.

[00:30:07] Brandon Held: She, you know, went up the, in the plane one day, like everything was normal.

[00:30:14] She got up there like, you know, Hey, just another day I’m gonna skydive. And then she jumped out of the plane and then she intentionally disabled her gear so she could fly to the ground and die. And then it wasn’t until after the fact that everyone found out her boyfriend had just broken up with her the night before. And to me that is so tragic. Like she, she really so strongly believed that her life wasn’t worth living without her boyfriend in that moment. That there’s no other choice anymore, but for her to be gone. And that is so sad and so tragic because as we all know,

[00:30:56] we’ve all gone through heartaches and heartbreaks and, [00:31:00] and we

[00:31:00] survived and we moved on.

[00:31:02] Right. And

[00:31:02] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:31:03] Brandon Held: learned. That we’re better for it. We’re better

[00:31:06] off because of that situation,

[00:31:08] Scott DeLuzio: Right.

[00:31:09] Brandon Held: That’s the part that I want to get to people. So they understand that in that moment, however dark and deep it feels, it’s just a moment. It will, it will pass. And it can get better. It will get better, for sure,

[00:31:26] but you are a big determining factor on just how

[00:31:29] much better it gets.

[00:31:31] Scott DeLuzio: That’s right. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, I think especially with this audience, mostly, you know, veterans or military folks who, who are listening to this you know, we’ve all done something difficult. Even if it’s just basic training level of things where like.

[00:31:48] There, there’s been some people I’ve, I’ve talked to that are like, oh, no, basic training was easy and, and I, you know, it was a piece of cake and everything.

[00:31:53] It’s like, okay, whatever. Tough guy. You know, it,

[00:31:55] Brandon Held: that is for

[00:31:56] Scott DeLuzio: I

[00:31:57] Brandon Held: but.

[00:31:57] Scott DeLuzio: yeah, I know, right? Exactly. So, you know, and, [00:32:00] and if that’s you, you know, fine, whatever. It, it, it, it very well may have been, I don’t know. I’m not you, so, I’m not gonna sit here and judge or whatever. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me. I know that.

[00:32:09] But but you got through that, right? And. In that moment, in that, that suck when your, your muscles are burning, when you’re sleep deprived, you’re starving like you’re, you’re hungry, you’re cold, you’re, you’re just miserable all around. You got through it

[00:32:26] Brandon Held: Yeah,

[00:32:27] Scott DeLuzio: you got to it. It ended, and, and you got to the graduation day, and that day probably felt pretty good.

[00:32:32] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:32:33] Scott DeLuzio: That, that phase of life, that that suck was over, and you get to now move on to go do something else that’s, that’s bigger and better than you would’ve been able to do. Just a, you know, a couple months earlier before you started basic training, you wouldn’t have been able to go off and do the job that you did in the military without going through the training that you did.

[00:32:51] So that transformed you into something different. And so when, when you’re going through any sort of tough time. I’m using basic training ’cause it’s kind of a [00:33:00] universal thing amongst this audience that we, we kind of understand that it’s difficult, like varying degrees for, for each people. You know, who, or each person who’s gone through basic training or whatever.

[00:33:11] But, we, we got it. It, it’s hard and, but we got through it. And, and with that, whatever it might be, a divorce, a, you know, a death of a loved one even, even it’s just like a period of life where you’re just depressed for one reason or another. And it may not be related to any of those kind of things.

[00:33:27] It’s, again, it’s just a, a period of time and you’ll get through it. At some point, and when you do, you’ll look back on it and say, okay, I’ve, I’ve transformed, I’ve changed. I’m, I’m a better person like yourself, right? You, you have become this better version of yourself and you have a different outlook on life and things are just looking up.

[00:33:48] They’re better. Like you said, you’re living your best life and you wouldn’t be here talking about that if you were successful, right.

[00:33:56] Brandon Held: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and to further advance your point [00:34:00] about difficulty into pride, you know, people would always ask me, what’s the difference between the Air Force’s Army, air Force, and Army? Mainly more like which one is better? Right? And I would always tell people like, you know what? The Air Force was easier.

[00:34:17] They have more money. It’s a better lifestyle if you’re just talking about quality of life and, and all those things. And if you know. people, I would recommend if you can get in the Air Force, join the Air Force. That’s where, you know, that’s what I would recommend to do. But I also knew how hard it was to be a soldier in the Army. So when I wore my Army uniform, I had more pride. Than I had when I wore my Air Force uniform. And that’s not to crap on anyone in the Air Force. ’cause I respect all veterans and everyone currently serving our country [00:35:00] because, you know, that’s a decision we all make to do. And, and I respect anyone that makes a decision to do that for whatever reason.

[00:35:08] Like you said before, But I just had more pride wearing my army

[00:35:13] uniform. cause I

[00:35:14] knew how hard it

[00:35:16] was to be a

[00:35:17] soldier.

[00:35:18] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. That that’s well said, because the, you, you do have a sense of pride when you accomplish that hard thing. And it doesn’t matter what that hard thing is. It could be a, a problem that you’re trying to solve at, at home or at work or it, it could be you know, troubles in your relationship or, or it could be a lot of different things, but after you’ve gone through that hard thing and you figured it out and you can look back on it and be like, you know, I’m, I’m glad that I stuck through it.

[00:35:42] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:35:43] Scott DeLuzio: I, I can see how, how I’m better off now and, you know, for those, those folks who are in that

[00:35:49] season of life right now where they’re going through this tough time you know, you have survived a hundred percent of your bad days up until today.

[00:35:55] Brandon Held: That’s right.

[00:35:57] Scott DeLuzio: I mean, all you gotta do is make it to, to tonight, go [00:36:00] to bed, wake up tomorrow, and, and you’ve survived another one.

[00:36:03] And, and you know, hopefully over time, those days get better in, in that you, you have fewer of those bad days, but you, you survived a hundred percent of ’em so far. I don’t care how bad it’s been. If you’re here and you’re listening to this, you’ve survived tomorrow. So you can do it. Like, think about how hard that was.

[00:36:19] You can do it and you can do it again.

[00:36:21] Brandon Held: I think one of the main things people should understand is, if you have the strength and and ability and it’s within your power to do something differently that will make your life better or make your circumstances better, then do that. That, that’s to me is one of the most empowering things I think people miss out on.

[00:36:45] Right. You know, I grew up poor. I fought. Being in the military was going to be my life enlisted, right? So not really any thought of having any kind of financial success in life, but just getting [00:37:00] by, just doing enough to make ends meet and support a family. I was trying to break generational curses like alcoholism and abusiveness and, and so those were my focuses.

[00:37:12] So the focus of ever becoming financially independent or anything like that was way beyond my reach at that time in life. But as I got older and realized if I made decisions to make changes with my life. My life can be better. And for that reason, that’s how I ended up with the MBA. You know, slowly but surely got there I was 33 when I graduated with an MBA and, and even that time I was a full-time soldier, a full-time MBA student.

[00:37:46] It was a really, really. Hard time in my life and I had to keep convincing myself this was worth it, right? This was going to be worth it. This was going to pay off. And it did. And, [00:38:00] and when I got through that and was, it opened doors to get me into things and do places that I otherwise would’ve never been able to get into. that’s the thing I want people to understand. If you have the ability to make a decision to make your

[00:38:16] circumstances different, then do it.

[00:38:19] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And.

[00:38:24] And going through that being a full-time army soldier, being a full-time MBA student and going through that difficult time must have made that MBA. When you finally achieve that, that level must have made that feel even, even better than

[00:38:41] Brandon Held: shut up

[00:38:41] about it. People were always like, oh,

[00:38:44] Scott DeLuzio: you still talking about it. Come on,

[00:38:45] Brandon Held: MBA. And I’m like,

[00:38:46] you know

[00:38:47] what? If you went through what I went through to get this

[00:38:49] Scott DeLuzio: right.

[00:38:50] Brandon Held: you wouldn’t shut up about it either. And so I didn’t shut up about

[00:38:54] it for a long time. Probably for like the first two years I had it, I would

[00:38:58] spit it out every [00:39:00] opportunity I had. Because A, I knew what it took for me to get there, not just the four years as a soul or you

[00:39:09] know, an army soldier doing the

[00:39:10] MBA program, also

[00:39:12] just where I started

[00:39:14] from in life.

[00:39:15] Scott DeLuzio: That’s right. Yeah. And, and you rightfully so. You should be able to,

[00:39:19] You know,

[00:39:20] be, be proud about that and brag about it and, and say, Hey, look what I did. Look what I accomplished. ’cause I mean, it, it’s not a small feat to, to go through and do that for, for folks who you know, are, aren’t familiar with it.

[00:39:32] It’s, it’s not an easy process. And and being a soldier and doing that.

[00:39:37] Brandon Held: do it. You can do it right,

[00:39:39] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, exactly.

[00:39:40] Brandon Held: it. just takes. Put the nose to the grindstone effort to do it. You know, I’m not exceptionally intelligent or anything, you know, I feel like I’m an intelligent person because I’ve acquired knowledge and intelligence over time in my life. I wasn’t

[00:39:58] born like this whiz kid [00:40:00] or

[00:40:00] Scott DeLuzio: Right.

[00:40:00] Brandon Held: that.

[00:40:01] I had to, I had to work hard

[00:40:03] to get there. And so if I

[00:40:06] can do it, anyone can do it.

[00:40:08] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:40:09] Yeah. absolutely.

[00:40:10] You mentioned your podcast just briefly ear earlier in the conversation but the, the Life Is Crazy Podcast. Tell us about that, that show and kind of the, you told us a little bit about the, the inspiration behind it and kind of what your, your goals are with that. But you know, just, you know, let’s tell us a little bit about that, that show and, and how you know, how it’s help you, you see it helping folks.

[00:40:29] Brandon Held: Yeah, I mean, I, you know, I, I don’t get a lot of feedback on it, so that, that I would say is the downfall, or not the downfall, but the downside of it. I really just. I put the show together in a hope to have something. Like you said, we live in a virtual world now. People are barely face to face anymore. I wanted something to be out there for people to go to, to understand like, I’m in this place. Who [00:41:00] can I identify with me? Who can I identify with? I make sure that I have guests on? Outside of a rare few exceptions because they’re doctors who are in the field of psychiatry or something like that, but still, not even, not even the case for them that they went from rock bottom get to where they are today.

[00:41:24] Maybe they were suicidal. Maybe they’ve attempted suicide. Maybe they, you know, whatever they went through, they were in a really bad place themselves now they’re living their best life or a great life and that, and that really is a requirement to be a guest on my show because that’s the message we’re sending. And it, it doesn’t do me any good to bring someone on the show that has lived this phenomenal life and oh, by the way, now they’re successful doing well. Who’s that helping? That’s not helping anyone. [00:42:00] So I really try to, I really do. I don’t even wanna say try. I really do bring people on that have lived through it They walk the walk and talk the talk, and now they’re trying to do what I’m doing, which is trying to help people get through those same circumstances. the more diverse that can be and the more different types of people that I get on there that have gone through those things, whether you’re black, white, Asian you know, male, female, it doesn’t matter. Hopefully that’ll connect with speak

[00:42:36] to someone. And that’s really what

[00:42:39] I’m trying to do.

[00:42:41] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. And again, that, that way of sharing a story

[00:42:47] can really help somebody who’s sitting there thinking to themselves, you know, this is, this is just me. I’m, I’m the one who screwed up. I’m the one who has all these problems. I’m

[00:42:56] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:42:57] Scott DeLuzio: the problem. Maybe even,

[00:42:58] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:42:59] Scott DeLuzio: and. [00:43:00] When they start hearing other people having very similar stories and maybe some, nobody has the same story, so you’re not gonna listen to your show and, and hear your exact story coming outta somebody.

[00:43:11] They’re we’re all different and, and that’s fine, but you might

[00:43:13] Brandon Held: different. They’re, you know,

[00:43:14] I’ve, I’m I’m on 80 something

[00:43:17] episodes at

[00:43:18] this point. I’ve

[00:43:19] recorded over a hundred.

[00:43:20] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. Right.

[00:43:22] Brandon Held: Every story’s

[00:43:23] different.

[00:43:23] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah. They’re, they’re all gonna be different. And but.

[00:43:28] There’s, there’s similarities. There’s enough similarities there that, that, like someone who’s listening to your story that you just talked about today they might have had something similar happening, happening with them, or they might be in a, a very similar season of life that, that you were talking about, that you were in and, and they might say, okay, this is what I need to do.

[00:43:48] This is kind of the roadmap for me to get out of this. Crappy situation that I’m, I’m finding myself in. And, and you know, maybe they, they give that a shot and it, and it works, and it gets [00:44:00] them, gets them moving to a better, happier, more fulfilling life. And without having heard a story like yours or the ones that you share on your show you know, they, they may, they may not realize that, Hey, there, there is something better for me out there, you know, and, and I’m not alone.

[00:44:17] Right.

[00:44:18] Brandon Held: I wanna make it clear to people, like, in a perfect world, I would be able to, a minimum break even doing this podcast, but, but even better be able, you know, to make money doing it so I could devote my time in my life to it. But where it stands now you know, I work Monday through Friday contracting for the government.

[00:44:41] Type of job, I pay money to do this. This is outta my pocket cost to, to help people. And, and I don’t mind doing that, but I, I want people to understand that this is something that I’m passionate about and I want to help people. [00:45:00] And I tell everyone that, you know, ever ask me. More important to me than someone giving me money is someone coming to me and saying, you know what?

[00:45:10] I listened to your podcast and it saved my life. I’ve never heard that. I’m

[00:45:15] hoping that that’s happening. But that’s really

[00:45:19] what I want to hear.

[00:45:20] Scott DeLuzio: Y Yeah. Same as far as the, the cost go

[00:45:23] as far as the, the financial side of it, the show. And you know, I’ve, I’m a little further along than, than you are as far as like, number of episodes and all that kind of stuff. But you know, same thing, I I, you don’t always hear those messages from folks, but on occasion you’ll, you’ll get a message from somebody and saying they won’t necessarily come right out and say, Hey.

[00:45:42] You know, this episode saved my life, or, or something like that. But they might just say something like, Hey, I really needed to hear that today. I needed to hear that message. And, and when you get a message like that, it’s like, okay, this is working, this is doing some good. And just like all that hard stuff that we were talking about earlier, like [00:46:00] running a podcast like this is not the easiest thing to do, especially with a full-time job and, and family commitments and other things that you have going on.

[00:46:08] It’s really not the easiest thing. It’s not cheap either to, to do.

[00:46:13] Brandon Held: it’s, it’s definitely not.

[00:46:15] Scott DeLuzio: and,

[00:46:16] and so, you know, you, you end up doing it. And when, when you do hear those types of messages from somebody or even they leave a review for the, the podcast and it, it’s, it’s you know, five stars and hey, this was a great show.

[00:46:28] You know, great conversation. You know, whatever. It, it feels good. Like you can feel proud that you, you have accomplished something good and. I thought from the day one of this podcast, if I could help just one person, then this show is, is gonna be a success because if that, that person is still here tomorrow and they get to wake up tomorrow and their family still has them around, then mission accomplished and.

[00:46:52] Brandon Held: I mean, that is so invaluable. You know, it’s, I’m sure you’ve probably heard this [00:47:00] analogy, but you know, if I were to ask you,

[00:47:03] would you want $10 million, would you take it and.

[00:47:07] then

[00:47:07] you’ll see. Hell Yeah, I would

[00:47:09] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah, of course.

[00:47:10] Brandon Held: and I’d say, okay, well if I were to ask you if you

[00:47:13] want $10 million, but tomorrow morning you die, you don’t get to

[00:47:17] wake up, would you take it?

[00:47:19] Scott DeLuzio: No, no, obviously not.

[00:47:21] Brandon Held: day, like your life is worth

[00:47:23] more than $10 million. Right.

[00:47:25] So

[00:47:25] Scott DeLuzio: Right.

[00:47:26] Brandon Held: think about the fact that if you just saved one person’s

[00:47:29] life That’s invaluable, like you can’t put a value

[00:47:33] on how much that’s worth.

[00:47:35] Scott DeLuzio: That’s right.

[00:47:36] Yeah, exactly. ‘Cause

[00:47:38] that, that person’s,

[00:47:40] everybody, you know, I don’t care who that person is that person’s life is, is priceless. And, and so even, even that $10 million. I mean that, that could been a hundred million. It could been,

[00:47:51] Brandon Held: exactly.

[00:47:52] Scott DeLuzio: It doesn’t matter what the.

[00:47:53] Brandon Held: I mean, I mean, you could probably put a number on there where I would say yes, just because I have three sons and, you [00:48:00] know, if, if I could take care of great, great grandkids from now on, I mean, okay, my life is worth that. But you know, that’s in jest of course. But

[00:48:10] I like you. I

[00:48:11] really wanted to reach veterans. That was

[00:48:13] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:48:14] Brandon Held: Thought process I went through this. ’cause we all know how many

[00:48:19] veterans commit suicide a

[00:48:21] Scott DeLuzio: Yep.

[00:48:22] Brandon Held: And you know, that’s so sad to me. Making a choice to

[00:48:26] serve this country and, and do the tough things that

[00:48:30] we did when we served

[00:48:32] Scott DeLuzio: Yep.

[00:48:32] Brandon Held: go through the things that we do when we served.

[00:48:35] Which by the way I don’t know if people are watching this Marines documentary on Netflix, but that’s a pretty freaking great show about how, what marines go through. In a, in a life as a marine. So there’s a lot that veterans sacrifice in their time in service and you know, they deserve everything.

[00:48:57] And for

[00:48:58] a veteran to commit [00:49:00] suicide and give up

[00:49:01] it’s tragic to me. And

[00:49:03] Scott DeLuzio: It is.

[00:49:04] Brandon Held: and that’s not

[00:49:05] something I want to see happen.

[00:49:07] Scott DeLuzio: No, absolutely not.

[00:49:09] Before we, we wrap up any, any last things that you might want to mention to folks? You know, any, you know, maybe words of advice, other places that they can go and, and find find out more about you in, in the, the type of stuff that you have, have out there or anything like that?

[00:49:23] Brandon Held: Yeah.

[00:49:23] I appreciate that. So I have my website, brandon held.com, when you get to brandon held.com, the fir on the very first page, there’s multiple things you can do. The first thing you can do. If you wanna support the podcast, you can subscribe to the podcast. But right down below that you have access to My life is crazy podcast.

[00:49:47] It’s a link that takes you to it or you have a link that takes you to YouTube. For my, anyone that likes college football, I also do. Ohio State Football YouTube show. It’s called the Buckeye [00:50:00] Battle Cry Show. I just started it back in August. But it’s, it’s doing really well. I mean, grant, I just started The Life is Crazy podcast back in April, so it’s all pretty new for me.

[00:50:15] But they’re both doing.

[00:50:17] Fairly well considering how new they are, and

[00:50:20] I’m very thankful for that.

[00:50:22] Scott DeLuzio: Yeah.

[00:50:23] Brandon Held: so if you’re into those things and you like those things or you know someone who might be please check those out. then just as far as my, my final nugget goes, we’ve already talked about this, but I feel like people like that, it’s the most important thing to understand and that is whatever you’re going through.

[00:50:46] It’s a moment in time and it will pass and it will get better. that to me is the thing people need to remember more than anything else when they’re going through something. ’cause I know when [00:51:00] you’re in that moment, you can feel like, oh my God, this is my

[00:51:03] life. I don’t wanna live this life. But it isn’t your life, it’s

[00:51:06] just a moment in your life.

[00:51:08] Scott DeLuzio: That’s right.

[00:51:09] Brandon Held: and so remember that and fight through that moment. And, you know, work to,

[00:51:15] to live the best life you can live, and you will live the

[00:51:18] best life you can live.

[00:51:21] Scott DeLuzio: Absolutely. I think that’s a great place to end it. So, Brandon, thanks so much for coming on and, and sharing your journey. Your, your, your inspiration, your, your path with all of us. And you know, for folks who wanna check out the podcast Brandon’s podcast there the Life is Crazy podcast. I will have links to all that in the show notes, so you can check it out there.

[00:51:40] Brandon, thanks again.

[00:51:42] Brandon Held: Thank you for having me. Appreciate it.​